Stephen Colbert returns to show, addresses his absence

He's baaaaack.

Several days after taping was suspended for “unforseen circumstances,” funny man Stephen Colbert was right back where he belonged — his desk on “The Colbert Report.”

He opened the show by addressing several of the rumors circulating over his recent absence.

“As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied this,” Colbert said, motioning to his face.

For the record, none of these are the real reason he was gone:

– His show was canceled by the FCC per the request of the Federal Election Commission because he was about to announce his bid for president.

– The show was canceled because he offended the Catholic church when he compared the pope’s hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic.   

– He was in rehab.

– He was getting plastic surgery — specifically getting a nose job or “new eyes,” according to Joan Rivers.

“I had my ass done,” Colbert joked in response to Joan Rivers’ prediction. “The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight it can barely blink now.”

Before moving on with the rest of the show, Colbert added one final remark about this absence.

“One more thing,” he said. “Evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails. Confidential to a lovely lady.”

Colbert is one of 11 children, and while he never gave the real reason for his absence, it has been reported that he took the break from taping to care for his 91-year-old mother Lorna.  

On Friday, Colbert tweeted, “My family and I would like to thank everyone who has offered their thoughts and prayers. We are grateful and touched by your concern.”


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
News

Explosions in new Boston Marathon bomb panic, 'twisted'…

A fresh Boston Marathon terror alert, which caused Bomb Squad officers to order an evacuation while two controlled explosions were carried out, was today being…

Local

Bomb squad detonates backpacks left at Marathon finish…

The Boston Marathon finish line has been evacuated and the Copley Square T station has been closed as police investigate a suspicious package, WBZ is reporting.

National

Reddit boosts news capabilities in social media turf…

By Jennifer SabaNEW YORK (Reuters) - Reddit, a website with a retro-'90s look and space-alien mascot that tracks everything from online news to celebrity Q&As,…

National

Missouri man charged with sexually torturing five women

A Missouri man has been charged with raping and torturing five women in a St. Louis-area apartment over several years, law enforcement officials said on Tuesday.

Television

'Orphan Black's' Jordan Gavaris talks Felix's Season 2…

Jordan Gavaris plays heroically helpful foster sibling Felix to main clone Sarah on "Orphan Black." We talked to him about what’s ahead for him in…

Television

TV watch list, Tuesday, April 15: 'New Girl,'…

'New Girl' Nick and Jess are hiding their breakup from the other loft residents. And Winston passes the police academy exam! That guy needed some…

Television

'Orphan Black' is back with 'crazy clone shenanigans'

“Orphan Black” is the little show that could. It had a few things working against it: a sci-fi premise, attracting an audience who had never…

The Word

Kelly Osbourne and Paris Hilton fight over a…

Paris Hilton and Kelly Osbourne, both members of famous families and natives of the reality boom of the early aughts, should be great friends. And yet.

MLB

MLB video highlights: White Sox beat Red Sox…

Red Sox fall on walk-off error to White Sox

NBA

NBA Draft Lottery day is May 20: Celtics…

NBA Draft Lottery day is Tuesday, May 20: Celtics percentage odds for a top overall pick

MLB

Opinion: Major League Baseball replay system shouldn't be…

Opinion: Major League Baseball replay system shouldn't be dumped just yet

NHL

Bruins - Red Wings preview: David Krejci ready…

Bruins - Red Wings preview: David Krejci ready to erupt once again in playoffs

Home

Steal home decorating tips from Nattystyle blogger Natalie…

Despite the towering ceilings and enviable exposed brick, it’s easy to see how Natalie Decleve’s apartment could be considered a challenge. Perched above the streets…

Home

How to plant a garden in the city

Small on space but big on gardening? You can still have that welcoming oasis of fresh air with an urban garden. Peter Smith, owner of…

Style

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show moving to England

It will still broadcast on CBS this fall.

Tech

Google Glass finally goes on sale for regular…

The Google Glass finally went on sale for regular people. It only costs $1,500.