Stephen Colbert returns to show, addresses his absence

Several days after taping was suspended for “unforseen circumstances,” funny man Stephen Colbert was right back where he belonged — his desk on “The Colbert Report.”

He opened the show by addressing several of the rumors circulating over his recent absence.

“As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied this,” Colbert said, motioning to his face.

For the record, none of these are the real reason he was gone:

– His show was canceled by the FCC per the request of the Federal Election Commission because he was about to announce his bid for president.

– The show was canceled because he offended the Catholic church when he compared the pope’s hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic.   

– He was in rehab.

– He was getting plastic surgery — specifically getting a nose job or “new eyes,” according to Joan Rivers.

“I had my ass done,” Colbert joked in response to Joan Rivers’ prediction. “The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight it can barely blink now.”

Before moving on with the rest of the show, Colbert added one final remark about this absence.

“One more thing,” he said. “Evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails. Confidential to a lovely lady.”

Colbert is one of 11 children, and while he never gave the real reason for his absence, it has been reported that he took the break from taping to care for his 91-year-old mother Lorna.  

On Friday, Colbert tweeted, “My family and I would like to thank everyone who has offered their thoughts and prayers. We are grateful and touched by your concern.”