A dude’s guide to dating

Funny man Andrew Schulz has strong opinions on most things — not the least of which includes women and dating. Since he’s a talking head on the second season of MTV2′s comedy series “Guy Code,” we picked Mr. Schulz’s brain for a few insights on the male mind.

On a first date, what’s a deal-breaker for you?

I wouldn’t say there’s no room for any antics on a first date — the weirder, the better, because the first date is so weird in general that if somebody does something that creates any stimulus that breaks you out of that, “So, uh, did you study abroad? Oh, tell me about that. Oh, what are your dreams?” Anything weird! Just do something weird — I don’t care, fart. You can fart. And I’ll be like, “OK, why did you think it was OK to do that in front of me?” You know, create some conversation.

At the end of the date, a guy walks the girl to the train, makes sure she gets home OK –

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. If you really wanted to make sure she gets home OK, you wouldn’t put her on a subway at 12 o’clock at night. Put a girl in a cab!

Some women say “He was so nice, he walked me to the train,” as though that’s a sign that a guy likes them. Is it?

I’ll be really honest with you. We don’t even know that we like you until after we sleep with you.

And why is that?

Because it’s not even on our radar if we like you. We’re so clouded by the idea of sleeping with you that we can’t even focus on these qualities of you that we think we like. “Oh, I really like how she wears red. I really like girls who wear red a lot. And she’s probably really smart for knowing that she looks good in red.” So we just make up that, and after we sleep with you, we think, “You know what? Red looks awful on you. Why would I even think that I like that?” We have no clue until after. Initially, it’s our goal to sleep with you, and it’s your goal to sleep with us again. That’s your hustle, right? Our anxiety is, “Man, I don’t want to f– this up,” and your anxiety is, “I don’t want to sleep with him and f– this up.”

How do you feel about the “Jersey Shore” idea of a grenade — a usually unattractive female friend who blocks a man’s access to a potential conquest?
   
I think the guys on that show were having sex with their definition of grenades, which is why they were on the show. To jump on the grenade bandwagon is totally understandable. From a girl’s perspective, I go, “That makes sense. Why would I want my friend to have sex with this random dude on TV and send her home in a cab at 5 in the morning so everyone can judge her?” That’s not a grenade, that’s a Captain America.