After Kristen Stewart cheating, how should Robert Pattinson re-brand himself?

Someone should make this film.

In the narrative arc of any romantic comedy, Robert Pattinson’s life right now would be entering the beginning of its second act: Left broken and alone because of infidelity, our hero strives to grow stronger and re-invent himself.

So, after Netflixing “Bridget Jones,” how should Robert Pattinson re-invent himself? We’ve got some ideas:

A new nickname: “R-Patz” is so 2008. He needs something younger and fresher. We suggest “Bobby B,” preferably said while pointing to himself with two thumbs.

New friends: You know the drill. When you break up with a long-term SO, your friend options are cut basically in half. So, who should he start partying with? We suggest burying the hatchet with Andrew Garfield, and hanging with him and Emma Stone. If there’s one thing we know about couples, it’s that they love helping their single friends through a break-up. (Love it too much, in fact!)

A new career path: Pattinson didn’t want to be Edward Cullen forever, but now it’s a sure bet he wants to sever his ties to the franchise completely. So no “50 Shades of Grey” follow-up, and no string of forgettable indie movies: It’s time to put “Twilight” firmly in the rearview mirror, and you know what that means?

Time to put on the tights.

A tentpole superhero franchise would be the single-best thing for Pattinson’s post-vampire career. After the genre explosion of the past few years, who’s left? We looked at this handy list, and came to one conclusion. Robert Pattinson needs to play Aquaman.


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

DA: Homeless man severely beat by men in…

Two former college football players pleaded not guilty to the alleged severe beating of a homeless man in Allston earlier this year.

National

Hamas, Abbas's PLO announce reconciliation agreement

The Gaza-based Islamist group Hamas and President Mahmoud Abbas's Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) agreed on Wednesday to a unity pact.

Local

Reports: Dead man pulled from water at Boston's…

A dead man was reportedly pulled from the water at Boston's Long Wharf Wednesday afternoon, according to the Boston Fire Department.

Local

Primark to make US debut in Boston

Dublin retailer Primark will make its U.S. debut with a store at the former Filene's site in Boston.

Television

‘Survivor: Cagayan’ recap: Episode 9

It was only an hour-long episode, but there's a lot to cover this week. The drama of Survivor strikes again as the identity of the…

Going Out

Thursty: Revamped Audubon is back in action

Having been a long time fan of Trina's Starlite Lounge in Inman Square, one of my only complaints about the place is that there's only…

Entertainment

Here's what to do in Boston this weekend

MUSIC Huun Huur Tu Friday, 8 p.m. First Church in Cambridge 11 Garden St., Cambridge $28, 617-876-4275 www.worldmusic.org This group comes from the tiny nation…

Television

TV watch list, Wednesday, April 23: 'Suburgatory,' 'Modern…

'Suburgatory' The men of "Suburgatory" go camping and Tessa mentors a social outcast in a Miss Chatswin contest, which brings her, once again, into conflict…

MLB

MLB video highlights: Red Sox top Yankees, 5-1

John Lackey shines, Pineda ejected in Red Sox win

NHL

Bruins - Red Wings Game 4 preview: Boston…

Bruins - Red Wings Game 4 preview: Boston greedy for more dominance

MLB

Fantasy baseball: Searching for early season prospects

It’s relatively rare for a mediocre 30-year-old hitter to suddenly go nuts offensively for 162 games. That’s why minor league prospects are so exciting.

U.S. Soccer

NYCFC 'targeting' US international Mix Diskerud

Metro New York has learned Mix Diskerud has drawn “interest” from the expansion MLS side, NYCFC.

Style

Pippa Middleton's Etsy pick: Golden Thread Jewelry

Get a look at the jewelry Pippa Middleton loves and find out how you can buy it too.

Parenting

What every parent needs to know to get…

Mom and author of "Small Talk," Tracey Blake, shares her five practical tips to help you develop your children's language skills.

Sex

Subway crush: Meet your soulmate on your commute

Read about a couple who has been 40 years after meeting on the train.

Tech

Happy birthday, Game Boy! The handheld console turns…

Nintendo's Game Boy turns 25 this week. To commemorate, we look at some of its better games, like "Tetris" and "The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening."