The Tanning Mom releases rap “song” — ears everywhere bleed

Oh dear god, no. We thought the recording industry had reached its lowest pit of scum-sucking despair when it allowed Rebecca Black’s “Friday” to enter the world. Then we thought that actually maybe “My Jeans” had that topped and we could close the book on this thing.

We thought wrong. Because today we heard Patricia Krentcil a/k/a “The Tanning Mom’s” new song a/k/a ”the aural equivalent of sucking pus from a homeless man’s infected big toe while listening to feral cats mate in a meat grinder.” It’s called “It’s Tan Mom” (points for cleverness!) and it is a rap song.

Well, it’s a rap song if your definition of the genre extends to a middle-aged woman who has tanner herself the color of motor oil slur robotically (a sonic feat we didn’t even know was possible — dubbing this strange new genre #drunkrobotgaze) about — you guessed it — gettin’ tan.

Choice drunken robot slurred lines include: “I’m sexier…than…the Teen….Mom….and….Octo….Mom.”

Also, she’s a pretty talented rhymer: “I want you to get away….from me…every day.” “My name is tan mom, tanning is the bomb.”

Also, this is the worst thing. And you can purchase it for a mere $0.99 on iTunes as of right now.

We give up.

The Tanning Mom releases rap "song" — ears everywhere bleed
Event Category: Comedy
When: January 1, 1970


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Video: Car crashes into Cambridge store, man arrested…

A Cambridge man was arrested on gun and drug charges after crashing his car into a Massachusetts Avenue storefront early Saturday morning.

Local

Body found believed to be missing Fitchburg boy…

The body of a child found off of a highway in Sterling last week is likely that of missing Fitchburg boy Jeremiah Oliver, authorities said.

Local

Memorial held for Sean Collier, MIT police officer…

More than 1,600 people gathered at MIT on Friday for a memorial service for Sean Collier, the police officer shot to death a year ago in the aftermath of the…

National

Florida man charged with murdering son to play…

A Florida man annoyed that his 16-month-old crying son was preventing him from playing video games suffocated the toddler, police said on Friday.

Television

'Orphan Black' recap: Episode 1, ‘Nature Under Constraint…

Welcome to your first Season 2 “Orphan Black” recap! Hopefully Tatiana Maslany can help Tatiana Maslany get through this, with the help of Tatiana Maslany,…

Entertainment

Whoopi Goldberg makes her debut as marijuana columnist

"It helps my head stop hurting, and with glaucoma your eyes ache, and she takes the ache out. It's wonderful," she said.

The Word

Kate Middleton made fun of Prince William's bald…

Kate Middleton and Prince William are in Sydney, Australia, right now, and it sounds like that brash Aussie sense of humor might be rubbing off.

The Word

Is Tom Cruise dating Laura Prepon?

"Mission: Impossible" star Cruise is said to be dating Laura Prepon, star of "Orange is the New Black."

MLB

MLB video highlights: Red Sox defeat Orioles, 4-2

Brock Holt the difference in the Red Sox' win

NHL

NHL video highlights & analysis: Red Wings dump…

NHL video highlights & analysis: Red Wings dump Bruins in Game 1

MLB

MLB video highlights: Orioles top Red Sox, 8-4…

John Lackey roughed up for second straight outing

MLB

MLB video highlights: Red Sox score two in…

Lester shines in Red Sox win over White Sox

Parenting

Is camp right for introverts?

We ask an expert for tips on sending your introverted child to camp

Parenting

How to parent without gender stereotypes in a…

Christia Spears Brown, Phd. author of "Parenting beyond Pink & Blue" gives advice on raising kids free of gender stereotypes.

Tech

VIDEO: 'Vein-scanning' may become the future of paying

Designed to make transactions quicker and easier, the technology works by scanning the unique vein patterns in each person's palm.

Tech

#FollowFriday: 10 of the smartest Twitter accounts

Spending lots of time on Twitter? You might as well learn something. Here are some of the smartest accounts to follow.