Royal Wedding: The AP makes it official, Prince William is going bald

Poor William. We feel for you, bro.

For the longest time, it was considered irresponsible for the mainstream media to comment upon the increasing thin-ness of Prince William’s hair. British tabloids could wink at it, yes, but respectable Americans could only mention it in sidelong fashion. It just wasn’t done.

Until now!

In what is sure to be a landmark in the history of the media’s relationship to the Royal Family’s youngest generation, the Associated Press has written an entire article about His Royal Baldness:

Prince William looks like someone who has it all: royal status, a charming fiancee, good health, and an easy touch with his future subjects. But there is one thing he lacks: a full head of hair.

Casual observers who have not paid much attention to Britain’s future king in the years before his recent engagement to Kate Middleton have been surprised by the extent of the 28-year-old’s hair loss. William still cuts a tall, imposing figure, but his bald spot has been spreading as his hairline recedes.

Oh, dear. "But there is one thing he lacks," really? There is literally no way to twist the knife in any more, right? AP, right?

It’s even more apparent since [William's] 26-year-old brother Prince Harry still sports a luxuriant supply of tousled red hair.

So sad for you, Wills. How can William disguise his the genetic tragedy of his follicles? Metro has some ideas:

»Shave his head: Bald men have been doing this for centuries! But it seems a little "common"; we’re thinking the Royal Family might frown upon this look.

»Wear a yarmulke: The Jewish religious cap would certainly cover up Will’s bald spot. But unless he converted to Judaism, this would probably be incredibly offensive! And if did, then he wouldn’t be allowed to lead the Church of England, meaning he’d have to give up his claim to the throne. Too high a price?

»Get hair plugs: We call this "Pulling a Biden." But won’t it be obvious at best and look horrible at worst?

»Wear a hat: This is the AP’s solution, advising William to emulate his famous grandmother. But how boring! Instead, we suggest…

»Wear a crown (all the time!): OK, so as the grandson of the Queen, William doesn’t have an official title that comes with a crown. Who cares? Make one anyway! This is the dignity of the Royal Family we’re talking about. Plus, walking around wearing a crown all the time would be pretty badass.


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