It’s time to talk about dolphin sex
There are questions in life you probably won’t ever get the answer to. Will my life have meaning? Where do we go after we die? Is that girl looking at me? Then there are the questions you get the answers to whether you ask them or not. Questions like: What is like to have sex with a dolphin?
Luckily, author Malcolm Brenner is glad to answer that question for us. Seriously, he won’t stop answering that question. Brenner is the author of the 1970s dolphin-sex memoir “Wet Goddess,” and since his story got picked up by the Huffington Post, this week, his tale of The Love That Dare Not Squeal Its Name has been everywhere. Some questions Brenner’s dolphin-sex media blitz has answered:
How does a lonely dolphin will approach a man?
She began raking her teeth lightly against my arms and legs which was indescribably erotic. Some might find it frightening, I found it erotic.
What is having sex with a dolphin actually like?
While mating, the female holds the male with her flippers tucked in behind his. She pushes, supplies thrust and controls depth of the male’s penetration and timing of the act with her rhythmic thrusts.
Since a dolphin can’t give consent, isn’t this technically rape?
Let me reassure you, the laws of physics make it virtually impossible for a human to rape or sexually abuse a dolphin in the water; they’re big, slippery, fast, strong, and they can kill you five or six different ways without thinking too hard about it. Even out of the water, dolphins are still phenomenally strong, dangerous creatures. [...] If the dolphin hadn’t liked what was going on, she could have chased me out of the water, hurt, injured or even killed me!
[...] Indeed, zoologists and ethologists are rapidly coming to recognize that far from being passive receptacles for male semen, female animals often play an active and involved role in choosing their mates and deciding when mating will take place.
This was certainly my experience with the dolphin.
What was that special post-coital relaxation time like with your dolphin lover?
I know what I’m talking about here because after we made love, the dolphin put her snout on my shoulder, embraced me with her flippers and we stared into each others’ eyes for about a minute.
Oh. Well that’s romantic. What’s wrong with a little human-dolphin love? Besides everything, we mean.