We’re three weeks into the NFL season, and it’s already become clear that there just aren’t too many good teams in the league. You can’t trust anyone, outside of two, maybe three teams. Here’s a look at the league as a whole, broken up into three categories.
For real, like really real
Patriots, Broncos, Vikings
That’s it. These are the only teams I trust.
Very strange that the quarterbacks who have led this group of elites so far are as follows: Jimmy Garoppolo, Jacoby Brissett, Trevor Siemian, Shaun Hill and Sam Bradford. Not exactly the QB class of 1983 here.
As for the teams folks might take umbrage with by not being on this list: The 3-0 Ravens: They beat Buffalo by six, Cleveland by five and Jacksonville by two … cue slow clap GIF. The 3-0 Philadelphia Eagles: I think Carson Wentz is going to be excellent in this league, but teams with a better secondary than the Steelers are going to figure him out soon. Pittsburgh Steelers: Three points against a team that went 7-9 last year? That was a pathetic performance, even on the road against a jacked Philly fan base.
“You’re f***ing your way to the middle!”
Comedian Jeff Ross directed this line toward Pamela Anderson during the gold standard of all roasts 11 years ago. Not only does it apply to Anderson and the buffet of C-listers she bedded over the years, like Bret Michaels and Marcus Schenkenberg (who?), but it also applies to about 88 percent of the current NFL.
Seriously, there’s parity – and then there’s what we’re getting this year. In other words, if you’re in a suicide betting pool – you’re not making it to Columbus Day.
Here are the teams that could wind up anywhere from 10-6 to 4-12: Jets, Dolphins, Bills, Ravens, Steelers, Bengals, Browns, Texans, Chiefs, Raiders, Chargers, Eagles, Giants, Cowboys, Redskins, Packers, Lions, Falcons, Buccaneers, Panthers, Saints, Rams, Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers.
That’s 25 teams!
I get that it’s early and one or two of the teams in this group will emerge from the pack and be legitimate Super Bowl contenders by mid-November, but it’s startling how much mediocrity there is.
2017 plans underway
The Browns are tanking. There’s no other way around how they lost that game in Miami Sunday.
The Jaguars, everyone’s early season darling, are now 0-3 and Gus Bradley just replaced Rex Ryan as the head coach most likely to be fired by Halloween.
As for the Bears – John Fox is like Jeff Fisher without the dirty pictures of his bosses. Fox underachieved in Denver and went 6-10 last season with Chicago. He hasn’t overachieved or even met expectations in over a decade. His seat is as hot as Charissa Thompson on the FOX pre-pre-game show.