‘Spice things up?’ That’s BS

I hate the term “spice things up” — as in, “Hey, love, let’s spice things up!”?— with its simplistic implication that a finger vibrator and a scented candle can relight a sexual flame that has been extinguished by stress, boredom, anger and over-exposure.

When two people get to the point where they can’t be bothered to engage in an activity that was once the highlight of their day, they need more than a back rub to turn them on. Often, the only way that a couple can reconnect in the bedroom is to get the hell out of there. Literally.

Whether they pack a picnic, take a hike and make out in the mountains or meet in a hotel room at noon for hasty sex and lunch from the minibar, the key to keeping sex exciting is changing the script.

When psychologists Arthur and Elaine N. Aron of Stony Brook University carried out a study measuring what happened when couples were asked to participate in “novel and arousing activities” together, they found that participating in “exciting” tasks had a significantly positive impact on their relationship satisfaction.

Aron makes the point that spending time together isn’t enough. You have to change the routine, so for example, “going out to dinner at the same restaurant won’t be as beneficial as eating out somewhere new every time.” The same rules apply to sex. After 10 years, the same recipe week in, week out, is bound to become less appetizing — and yes, different techniques can help, but realistically, there are a limited number of orifices and not everyone is prepared to wear a gimp hood.

The illusion that sex should be spontaneous is also detrimental. When two people are working 50 hours a week and they need to eat, sleep, work out and remain on speaking terms with family and friends, spontaneous sex simply doesn’t happen.

All couples, whether they have been married for five minutes or 15 years, owe it to themselves to have a rational, unemotional discussion about how much sex they can reasonably expect to have, based on both their commitments and their existing sexual frequency. The unanticipated upside to doing something as unsexy as blocking sex time out in a diary is the exponential increase in sexual anticipation. And since expectation influences outcome, knowing that your next sex date involves a limo, a privacy screen and a tour of the one you love pretty much guarantees a happy ending.

–Suzi Godson is editor of Moresexdaily.com and author of “The Sex Book.”

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Send 300-word submissions to letters@metro.us.


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
News

OMG! Exercise can make skin (and butt) look…

A moderate exercise regime can turn back time and actually reverse the skin's aging process, according to new research. The study showed that a minimum…

News

Mets mascot Mr. Met target of Bill Clinton…

Mets mascot Mr. Met has told how he ended up in the crosshairs of a Secret Service sniper rifle. The man behind the Mr. Met…

International

Jews in eastern Ukraine ordered to register, Kerry…

Secretary of State John Kerry condemned reports that Jews in eastern Ukraine had been ordered to register with the authorities "or suffer the consequences."

National

Chelsea Clinton pregnant with first child

Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with her first child.

Television

'Scandal' recap: Season 3, Episode 18, 'The Price…

Sally is Jesus, Olivia caused global warming, and Mellie's still drunk. Let's recap the Scandal finale. A church full of Washington insiders is about to…

Movies

Review: 'Transcendence' is not stupid but sometimes lacks…

The cyberthriller "Transcendence" explores artificial intelligence, nanotechnology and other ethical quandaries, but has too much ambition, if anything.

Television

Dick Wolf to bring fictionalized world of 'Law…

A&E has ordered a pilot called "D.O.A." from "Law and Order" mastermind Dick Wolf that will focus on real detectives reexamining cold cases. A trio…

Television

Shane West talks WGN America's 'Salem'

The actor on history lessons, a new network and showing his butt.

MLB

MLB video highlights: Red Sox score two in…

Lester shines in Red Sox win over White Sox

Sports

2014 Boston Marathon preview: Elite American, International runners…

2014 Boston Marathon: Elite American, International runners to watch

NBA

2014 NBA Finals odds: Ranking which playoff teams…

2014 NBA Finals odds: Ranking which playoff teams have the best shot at a championship. The Thunder, Clippers, Heat and Rockets lead the way.

NFL

2014 Patriots, full NFL schedule release date announced

2014 Patriots, full NFL schedule release date announced

Style

Light-up nail art syncs with phone

This Japanese technology syncs light-up nail art with your phone.

Wellbeing

Why is dance cardio taking off in NYC?

Instructors at some of the city's hottest classes explain why.

Travel

Earth Day travel in the Florida Keys

See why this eco-friendly destination deserves your attention.

Tech

Sorry, Facebook — FarmVille goes mobile with 'Country…

Zynga has released a version of the hit "FarmVille" tailored for smartphones and tablets in the hope of reaping a bumper crop of players.