Lawyer sues groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, seeks death penalty for being dirty liar
While much of the nation is blanketed in snow, millions of people can’t help but shake their fists in rage at that conniving, lying groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, who so casually misled the country into believing we would see an early spring.
One Ohio lawyer refused to sit idly by and let this fur-covered liar get away with it. He won’t stand for it. Oh, no! Not on his watch. Phil will pay, if he has anything to do with it.
Butler County Prosecutor Mike Gmoser has decided to indite Phil for “misrepresenting an early spring,” but that’s not all — Gmoser wants justice — by punishment of death.
That’s right — if Phil is convicted, he will face the death penalty.
“I woke up and the wind was howling, the snow was flying, and I said to myself, ‘Phil, you let us down,’” Gmoser told Metro. “It popped into my head that this must be criminal in some way. Punxsutawney, here I come. ”
When asked what method might be used to put a convicted groundhog to death in Ohio, Gmoser responded, “That raises some issues with respect to what’s called roadkill. We ‘re not sure what the method might be. Right now, it’s lethal injection, but we would have to consult the legislature.”
One might ask, “How can a defenseless animal be sued and put to death?”
“There’s an old saying that prosecutors can indict a cheeseburger if they want to. Well, we can indict a groundhog,” Gmoser said.
Gmoser said Phil’s defense will likely plead ignorance — HA! Fat chance, Phil.
He went on to say that people in Butler County want “a piece of Phil” and have even been submitting recipes with groundhog as the main ingredient.
On Feb. 2, Phil was roused from his cozy groundhog domicile and asked the most important question of the year: Will there be an early spring? It was at that pivotal moment, when Phil did in fact confirm an early spring, that the trouble started. Seeing as how Wednesday was a very snowy first day of spring, Phil’s adoring fans have quickly turned against him in cold fits of fury.
“We have to put a stop to this! These predictions are killing us!” Gmoser exclaimed.
When asked whether Gmoser would ever accept a plea deal or if there is anything Phil can do to save his furry behind, Gmoser said, “If the temperature hits 80 degrees by April 15, my heart may soften.”
Watch your back, Phil. Butler County is coming for you.
Editor’s note: Gmoser wanted to make it clear that this shouldn’t be taken too seriously. “This whole thing is tongue-in-cheek, and we have had a few calls where they thought this was serious, but it is good light humor from an office that does serious work every day,” he told Metro.
Follow Cassandra Garrison on Twitter at @CassieAtMetro.