Opinion: At your Super Bowl party, avoid these types of people

The Super Bowl brings out the best (and worst) in all of us. (Getty Images)
The Super Bowl brings out the best (and worst) in all of us. (Getty Images)

Fans often find themselves at the mercy of outsiders whenever sports cross over into the mainstream culture.

These outsiders aren’t bad people per se; they just don’t grasp, care about or understand sports. This is of particular importance this weekend, because there is nothing more mainstream than the Super Bowl.

In one sense, this is a good thing. Super Bowl parties have a cornucopia of food, drink and socializing. But these sorts of events attract a wide range of people, with an even wider range of interests. Fortunately for you, I’ve compiled a (stereotypical) list detailing the 10 types of attendees at Super Bowl parties. You cannot avoid these people, but knowledge is power – use this as a guide to maintain sanity and, you know, enjoy the game.

TIER 1: Why are you here?

Is That a Safety or a First Down?: These people are horrible. They couldn’t tell you where the Seahawks are from, or who Peyton Manning is. Even worse, they ask questions about the game, rules or players like they actually care. (They don’t.) They’re the equivalent of the friend who asks a million questions about a movie 45 minutes after you started watching it.

Space Fillers: I’m not sure if these attendees are better or worse than the previous group. On one hand, they don’t care enough to ask a question, which is nice; on the other, they’re the type of person that blocks the television at the worst possible time, and then gives attitude when the group complains about missing a big play.

Is It Over Yet?: Probably my least favorite type of person in this tier to watch the Super Bowl with. They don’t – nor do they pretend – to care, which is fine. HOWEVER, they actively diminish the viewing experience by nagging whoever they came with about how LONG and BORING the game is. I never understand this. What type of life are these people leading? Do they have something better to do on a cold Sunday night in February? Their expressions of “SHOOT. ME. IN. THE. FACE.” tells you everything you need to know about them.

Culture Critic: They’ll likely talk about the FCC’s expanded regulations following Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake’s “Nipplegate.” Maybe they’ll make a socioeconomic argument about Richard Sherman, Stanford University, and the connotation and meaning of the word “thug.” They aren’t watching a football game; they’re taking notes and crafting a blog entry on philosophy and sports.

Commonality: As little as they care about the game, each sub-section of this tier cannot get enough of the halftime show and funny commercials. They’ll dissect these ancillary items like Peyton studies game film. It’s a fascinating transition of interest. Zero to 60.

 

TIER 2: Just one of the guys

The Old Timer: The older guy who, without a doubt, will complain about a player’s hair or tattoos. Even crazier, despite overwhelming evidence about the long term dangers of head injuries, this guy will probably make an inappropriate remark about how concussions are overrated, moaning about “Why can’t we go back to the way things were?!”

The Know-It-All: As much as I enjoy watching football with like-minded fans, no one likes a know-it-all. Seriously, try harder. Who are you competing with, Mike Pereira? Calm down with the arcane understanding of the NFL rulebook.

The Guys’ Girl: Kind of a recent phenomenon here, but nowadays many girls “get” sports. If you take the time to really explain the intricacies – starting with what the “yellow line” means – and dive into the larger-than-life personalities, they’ll dig it. I promise. You’ll thank me when, suddenly, your Sunday Funday with the boys transforms into “quality time” with your friends and your significant other. It’s a win-win.

But one thing to fear is the girl who tries to overcompensate in this department and, much like the Know-It-All, comes across poorly. Simmer down. I don’t need you quoting advanced statistics from FootballOutsiders.com. We get it, you can hang.

The Talking Head: Ugh. The attendee who talks about sports strictly in clichés and overwrought narratives. They enjoy ESPN’s “First Take,” most definitely think Skip Bayless is insightful, and say things like, “What does another Super Bowl win for Peyton Manning say about Tom Brady???” at the start of the second quarter.

Commonality: The range of tolerance here depends on how much each of these people play into their given stereotypes. On the plus side, at least you know they’re good candidates to fill up openings in your fantasy league next season. After all, war stories from fantasy football make for great water cooler talk in the office. And make no mistake about it, these people don’t just like water cooler talk, they absolutely live for WATER COOLER TALK.

 

TIER 3: Riverboat maniacs

Virgin Money: I’m a firm believer that there is a little gambler in all of us, and even conservative, risk-averse friends will put some coin on the line to make Super Bowl Sunday more entertaining. But the first subgroup of this tier doesn’t gamble on a regular basis, which makes the game exciting for them, and excruciating for the rest of us. Every play is an update on the “crazy” $100 bet they dropped. STUPID PEYTON MANNING! STOP GIVING THE BALL TO MORENO! Relax, dude. Have a Dorito. It’s the opening drive.

Loose Cannon: This person bets. And bets a lot. Thus, the Super Bowl and the party you’re attending with them is their Christmas. Without pause, they’ll put this month’s rent on a crazy prop bet – like the coin toss or the length of the national anthem (HOLD THAT NOTE AS LONG AS YOU CAN!!!) – which is scary for everyone else at the party.

Look, I cannot stress this enough: Unless you don’t mind making a trip to Best Buy in the morning, hide the remote control. Yes, the remote control. If things go south, this lunatic will find your remote control and riffle it towards your fireplace. Trust me on this. And in terms of durability, BRICK WALL > Plastic Remote Control.

Commonality: Win or lose, these people are at least invested. Literally.

Follow Ryan Hadfield on Twitter: @Hadfield__



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
National

Mutant worms stay sober, even on alcohol

U.S. researchers have developed "mutant worms" that do not get drunk by alcohol, a breakthrough that could lead to new treatment for people trying to quit drinking

Local

K-9 nose helps capture $150K in cocaine at…

A furry, four-legged security agent helped authorities stop an illegal cocaine shipment from sneaking past JFK customs.

National

Minnesota man asked to leave Southwest flight after…

A man and his two sons were asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight after the man sent a tweet complaining about being treated rudely by a gate agent.

National

Man sues hospital after surprise penis amputation

An Alabama man who went in to a hospital last month for a circumcision awoke after surgery to find his penis had been amputated, his lawyer said on Thursday.

Movies

Review: Brett Ratner's big 'Hercules' movie is small…

The latest "Hercules," starring Dwayne Johnson as the half-god beefcake of Greek myth, strips its hero and tale of most of its fantastical elements.

Arts

Scientists recreate world's smallest Monet copy

Scientists have reproduced a famous Impressionist painting using nano-printing, to create what has been described as the world's smallest work of art. Reworked at the…

Television

Jerry Seinfeld is ambidextrous, and other Reddit AMA…

See some of the weirder highlights of Jerry Seinfeld's recent Reddit AMA.

Going Out

Grab a pedestrian and start dancing at What…

As a New Yorker, I’ve mastered the art of focusing my gaze straight ahead. Though it occasionally piques my interest, the absurdities that play out…

U.S. Soccer

Orlando City takes shot at NYCFC over Frank…

Orlando City reminded the world how big a signing Brazilian star Kaka earlier this month with a photo of Kaka mobbed by fans juxtaposed against Lampard.

NBA

Jeremy Lin says 'Linsanity' is over as he…

Jeremy Lin lit up the NBA two years ago with his play for the Knicks but he has no desire to recreate "Linsanity" in his new career with the Lakers.

NFL

2014 NFL Fantasy Football Top 100 overall player…

2014 NFL Fantasy Football Top 100 overall player rankings

U.S. Soccer

NYCFC announce signing of Frank Lampard

The tease of a big signing Thursday by new MLS side NYCFC ended up being one rumored for weeks. England midfielder Frank Lampard agreed to…

Tech

Forget Wi-Fi: Li-Fi could be the future

Li-Fi technology – developed by Mexican company Sisoft – is wireless internet connectivity using specialized LED light.

Tech

Weather app Climendo might be the most accurate…

The wait for a truly accurate weather forecast could finally be over thanks to a nifty new app called Climendo.

Tech

Napkin Table puts focus off the phone and…

Michael Jan, a design student at Tunghai University in Taiwan, has invented a serviette-picnic blanket hybrid called the Napkin Table.

Style

Essie's new Color Boutique

Essie launches high-tech kiosks at major airports and malls across the country.