#occupy this column

This official statement was voted on and approved by the general assemblies of protesters from various Occupy movements across North America and the globe.

• We write so that all people who feel wronged by the powers-that-be can know that we are your allies. #OccupyWallStreet

• They have taken our houses through an illegal foreclosure process, leaving a man to sleep in a garbage can and a six-year-old boy (we think) to sleep outside in a nest. #OccupySesameStreet

• They have perpetuated inequality and discrimination in the workplace, based on age, sex and gender identity, even hiring undercover police officers based on how sexy they are. #Occupy21JumpStreet

• They have profited off the torture, confinement and cruel treatment of countless non-union actors. #OccupyElmStreet

• They have left us without jobs by outsourcin’ and now we want to cut off their whatnots wi’ a pair o’ garden shears, us. #OccupyCoronationStreet

• They have made terrible sequels with impunity, yet continue to charge exorbitant prices for popcorn. #OccupyWallStreet2:MoneyNeverSleeps

• They have poisoned the food supply with chocolate-flavoured corn cereal bits and crunchy marshmallows. #CountChoccupyWallStreet

• They’re ugly and they smell bad. Na na na ni NA na. #MockupyWallStreet

• They have influenced the courts to put people on trial for the socialistic ideals of handing out gifts for free. #Occupy34thStreet

• They have held students hostage through poor education, meaning their only path to validation is intense dance competitions — no spotlights, no springboards — on the mean streets of Baltimore. #OccupyStepUp2:TheStreets

• They have continuously sought to kick us when we hit the ground, born down in a dead man’s town, we end up like a dog that’s been beat too much, till we spend half our life just covering up. #OccupyEStreet

• They have turned away from the unconditional love of God and the healing redemption of Circle Square Ranch. #Occupy100HuntleyStreet

• They have purposely overcharged for noise-cancelling headphones that are just a renamed version of cheaper headphones, and sold us “long-lasting” gum that doesn’t last very long at all. #OccupyStreetCents

• They have forced women to wear low-friction boards on their feet and push them down steep icy inclines. #OccupyPicaboStreet

• They have taken away columnists’ right to peacefully assemble by making us move along unless we kowtow to capitalism by buying another coffee. #OccupyThatTableInTheStarbucksNearestTheElectricalOutlet

• Hey! Look over there! #PreOccupyWallStreet 



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