Jails are a lot like coffee shops — or they should be

Attention, readers who value their lives: You are in danger! While you read this innocuous-looking sentence (don’t be fooled!), criminals could be violating your home, office or body. 

That’s because crime is everywhere.

It’s in Canadian downtowns, uptowns, upper downtowns, downer uptowns, suburbs, ghettos, bayous, kibbutzes, duck blinds, under the bed, below the gum line, and even in those stubborn and hard to reach places, like Moose Factory. No one is safe.

To be honest, if you’ve read this far without undergoing some form of violent attack, major theft or unwanted touching, such as the “noogie,” then you should count your blessings. If you count them closely, I think you’ll find that several have been stolen.

And now the truly frightening part: There’s nothing you can do about it.

That’s why the Conservative government is getting — nay, must get — tough on crime. 

I for one fully support their tough-on-crime agenda (which dovetails nicely with their tough-on-arts and tough-on-environment agenda).

As a left-wing media stooge, I’m expected to oppose everything the Conservatives do, but truth is the media and the government are on the same page, crime-wise.

We both recognize that the quickest way to get people’s attention is through fear.

That’s why so many newscasts begin with some variation on the question, “Should Canadians be worried?” To which the implicit but unspoken reply is “Yes, OF COURSE you should be worried; otherwise, we wouldn’t be bringing you a story about this unprecedented CRISIS, would we, stupid?”

So I say increase the number of prisons until they rival the number of Tim Hortons. Criminals won’t dare commit crimes if there’s always a clink within view.

Don’t think us crass, though. I think it’s clear that, whether government or media, we scare because we care. We worry about crime because we’re worried about your well-being. By raising your vigilance, we are protecting you from the inevitable crime of the future and the unreported crime of the past.

Understand? You win. We care.

And, if you don’t remain vigilant, who knows what might happen? Personally, I worry you’ll miss out on something truly scary and horrible, and you’ll be so embarrassed you were out of the loop that you’ll just wish you were dead.

And if you do die, we in the media will be there to cover it. Like we care.



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Memorial held for Sean Collier, MIT police officer…

More than 1,600 people gathered at MIT on Friday for a memorial service for Sean Collier, the police officer shot to death a year ago in the aftermath of the…

National

Florida man charged with murdering son to play…

A Florida man annoyed that his 16-month-old crying son was preventing him from playing video games suffocated the toddler, police said on Friday.

International

Powerful 7.2 magnitude earthquake rattles Mexico

A powerful earthquake struck Mexico Friday, shaking buildings and sending people running into the street, although there were no reports of major damage.

News

OMG! Exercise can make skin (and butt) look…

A moderate exercise regime can turn back time and actually reverse the skin's aging process, according to new research. The study showed that a minimum…

Entertainment

Whoopi Goldberg makes her debut as marijuana columnist

"It helps my head stop hurting, and with glaucoma your eyes ache, and she takes the ache out. It's wonderful," she said.

The Word

Kate Middleton made fun of Prince William's bald…

Kate Middleton and Prince William are in Sydney, Australia, right now, and it sounds like that brash Aussie sense of humor might be rubbing off.

The Word

Is Tom Cruise dating Laura Prepon?

"Mission: Impossible" star Cruise is said to be dating Laura Prepon, star of "Orange is the New Black."

Television

'Scandal' recap: Season 3, Episode 18, 'The Price…

Sally is Jesus, Olivia caused global warming, and Mellie's still drunk. Let's recap the Scandal finale. A church full of Washington insiders is about to…

NHL

NHL video highlights & analysis: Red Wings dump…

NHL video highlights & analysis: Red Wings dump Bruins in Game 1

MLB

MLB video highlights: Orioles top Red Sox, 8-4…

John Lackey roughed up for second straight outing

MLB

MLB video highlights: Red Sox score two in…

Lester shines in Red Sox win over White Sox

Sports

2014 Boston Marathon preview: Elite American, International runners…

2014 Boston Marathon: Elite American, International runners to watch

Tech

VIDEO: 'Vein-scanning' may become the future of paying

Designed to make transactions quicker and easier, the technology works by scanning the unique vein patterns in each person's palm.

Tech

#FollowFriday: 10 of the smartest Twitter accounts

Spending lots of time on Twitter? You might as well learn something. Here are some of the smartest accounts to follow.

Style

Light-up nail art syncs with phone

This Japanese technology syncs light-up nail art with your phone.

Wellbeing

Why is dance cardio taking off in NYC?

Instructors at some of the city's hottest classes explain why.