’Tis the season to shop till you (literally) drop

Now that Santa Claus parades have passed, snow has fallen and stores have entered their seventh exciting week of Christmas music, I think it’s safe to talk shopping.

Not that there’s anything safe about it.

The starting gun for holiday shopping is “Black Friday,” though few Americans would use something as feeble as a starting gun to get their hands on a discounted DVD player.

This calls for heavy weaponry. It’s in the constitution.

Even without firepower, Americans bulk up with turkey on “Black Thursday” to prepare for various cannonball moves needed to get at merchandise on Black Friday, shop at smaller stores on “Black Friday Hangover” and then online on “Cyber Monday.” Other important days include “Utensil Blowout Tuesday,” “Paisley Wednesday” and “The Thursday of Regret.”

Meanwhile, Canadians watch the pepper sprayings and shootings and stampedes and can only think one thing: We want in. Though there’s an annual lament that North Americans have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, I can assure you that holiday shopping has been crazy for at least my entire lifetime.

First it was Cabbage Patch Dolls. Nothing evoked the spirit of the season quite like old women having fistfights over ugly, fat-faced dolls.

Then there was Furby, a pricey doll that first spoke gibberish, but eventually learned English phrases like “A fool and his money are soon parted.”

And who could forget Tickle Me Elmo, whose announcement “Heh, heh! That tickles!” was an interesting counterpoint to store clerks yelling, “Dear God! Get off my spine!”

It’s never pretty, but what can be done? Well, I say this with utmost humility: Be more like me. If you shopped as I shop, we’d only need one shopping day. The entire continent would be done in minutes, actually. My goal during any shopping excursion is to treat the inside of the mall like it’s Fukushima Daiichi — the less exposure the better. I’m a mission shopper.

RECORDING: Your mission, should you accept: We need a Chapters gift card, a backgammon set, and some sandalwood soap, whatever that is (women like it, we think). This MP3 player will self-destruct as soon as the warranty expires.

ME: I’ll be in and out in 11 seconds.

With shopping complete, one can get back to the important things, such as enjoying the sights of the season, and repaying crippling shopping debts. And, because you skipped the violence, you’ll have plenty of pepper spray next year for the repo man. Also, any store manager that decides to play Christmas music on Nov. 1.

As we remember the true meaning of the season, let us spray.



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
National

New statue of Penn State's Paterno set for…

By David DeKokHARRISBURG, Pennsylvania (Reuters) - Fundraising for a new statue depicting Joe Paterno "as the man he was and not Joe the football coach"…

Local

Future Boston Alliance invites you to #RidetheLine, support…

#RidetheLine aims to show the city, the nation, and the globe our creative impact as Boston citizens.

Local

(Update) Body of missing BU grad Eric Munsell…

The dead man pulled from the water at Boston's Long Wharf Wednesday afternoon was that of missing 24-year-old Boston University alumnus Eric Munsell, Boston Police said today.

National

On newly released tape, 'Squeaky' Fromme says was…

Manson Family member Squeaky Fromme told a mental health examiner in newly released interview the "X" she carved in her forehead was meant to separate her from "the system."

Music

Championship of Collegiate a Cappella: Students who are…

Tickets to this Saturday’s International Championship of Collegiate a Cappella reportedly sold out within 11 hours of going on sale.

Music

M.I.A. talks 'Matangi,' divinity, spontaneity and holograms

"There’s pressure for me to become a theatrical production like 'Glee,' or something" says M.I.A., "It’s like, 'the pressure’s on, bitches.'"

Movies

Tribeca: 'Goodbye to All That' star Paul Schneider…

Paul Schneider talks about his new film "Goodbye to All That," not acting too much and how he'd rather indulge in simple pleasures than play the scene.

The Word

Taylor Swift battles paparazzi daily at Tribeca penthouse

We're entranced by these photos of poor Taylor Swift leaving her Tribeca apartment.

NHL

NHL video highlights: Bruins edge Red Wings in…

NHL video highlights: Bruins edge Red Wings in overtime of Game 4

MLB

MLB video highlights: Yankees rout Red Sox, 14-5

Felix Doubront struggles for second time in five starts

NBA

Jason Collins named to Time's 100 Most Influential…

Jason Collins was named to the list after coming out as the first openly gay player to appear in an NBA game.

NFL

2014 NFL Mock Draft: Updated, new April 24…

2014 NFL Mock Draft: Updated, new April 24 version

Parenting

New study: Inside the wage gap between boys…

According to a new study, there's a wage gap between boys and girls, with boys earning more allowance for less chores.

Tech

From Apple TV to Fire TV, big changes…

Apple is set to launch a new generation of it's Apple TV, which grossed over $1 billion in 2013. But competition from Amazon and Google looms.

Style

Katy Perry releases a new Claire’s collection

Katy Perry expands her empire by releasing an accessories collection at Claire's.

Style

MAC & Proenza Schouler collection unveiled

MAC Cosmetics is releasing a new collection with Proenza Schouler.