“Is this guy red flag central?” Funky Brown Chick has the answers
Question: I am seeing Larry, an older man with piercing blue eyes and a perfect body. He’s 44, still single, and looks like … heaven. He is too good to be true, and I want to find out what’s wrong with him. He was introduced to me by a good friend, and she adores him. She says she thinks Larry is a bit of a loner. I’ve noticed he’s closed off emotionally. When we are together, he’s sweet, affectionate … and dirty! But otherwise, the only time we talk or text is to set up our date. Should I be worried?
He is a serial killer, obviously. Kidding! On a more serious note, it is unfair to assume the only default adult status is “in a relationship” and there is something wrong if you are not snatched up by age 40.
I can think of several reasons why a blue-eyed, 44-year-old, hardbodied man might he’s single: Maybe he wants to be single, or he hasn’t found the right person yet. He might not want to get married, or he could already be married and is hiding it from you.
You might think he is a great catch. Here is the thing: So are you. And yet, you are both single. It sounds like you are looking for red flags, and you want reassurance that you have not missed any. Remember: You already have an in because a friend vouched for him. Ask your friend to elaborate. Additionally, here is my advice for digging deeper into him.
Listen to what he is telling you.
It is not inherently bad that he prefers to talk in person instead of yapping on the phone. Regardless where they take place, your conversations should include a natural flow of ideas and stories. Divulge information somewhat equally.
Get to know him.
You mention this guy is quiet, but he is “affectionate” and “dirty.” He could be shy, or he could be in it for the sex. Here is a quick test: Tell me five things about his life decisions that interest you. If you cannot do this quickly, maybe you have not spent enough time getting to know him. Go about finding things out about him the way that you would for anyone else in your life. Ask questions. Spend time together. Have fun. In time, true intentions usually reveal themselves.
Pay attention to what he does not tell you.
Decide for yourself what you need to hear from him in order to understand who he is and what makes him tick. Does he avoid particulars such as his family situation, living arrangements, or other topics? You don’t need a monologue about his past relationships, but you should engage him in substantive discussions. Moderation is good.
If he doesn’t have anything interesting to say, perhaps he is boring as hell and has not build a full life for himself. [Hint: If this is true, we need to talk about you and why you are interested in him.] On the other hand, if he unloads boatloads of private information very quickly, it could be a ploy to throw you off kilter by feigning intimacy. Remember: Real trust is earned, not given freely.
Ask: “Why do you think you’re single?”
If he answers, “Because females ain’t shit, and I do not have time for that drama,” run don’t walk away from him. When someone reflects on their current relationship status—whether partnered or single—it gives you insights into how they view the world and their current (or potential!) partner’s role in it.
You should care less about this dude’s eye color and rocking body and focus instead on his passions and interests. And don’t forget to pay attention to the most important thing — the way he treats you!
Marry when you find the person worth doing it with, or never marry at all if you don’t want to. Either way, this is an exciting time for both of you to learn more about each other and enjoy some great sex. Good luck, and please keep me posted.
— Twanna A. Hines is an award–winning educator and sex columnist. She has contributed to CNN, NPR, Sirius, Lifetime, Mashable, Nerve, Fast Company magazine, CBC (Canadian National Radio), Paris Première (French television) and Al Jazeera. She’s online at FUNKY BROWN CHICK®, and you can follow her on Twitter @funkybrownchick.