This episode begins with an ominous greeting my Chris Harrison. Did the sexy occupants of Paradise pull a "tropical Roanoke" and vanish in the night?! Nope! Just some illicit boning.
Apparently, one named Michelle K who left voluntarily last episode got caught hooking up with some sound guy named Ryan, who subsequently freaked out, jumped off the balcony, and broke his feet. The show even proved it with a grainy reenactment that would have been rejected by the Oxygen Network, along with hospital footage of a guy with bandaged feet. Can the show contain its glee about what just happened? No, it can’t.
But why cry over a foot when there is drama afoot? (Full disclosure: HAHAHAH HA HA HA HAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHA in all seriousness an ABC crewmember was seriously injured on the job because he was terrified of facing his employer.)
Anyway, Chris “Maybe This Spin-off Will Finally Make Me As Famous As I Deserve” Bukowski shows up next, and eclipses the Paradise Sun. “I hope he’s not thinking about stealing anyone’s women,” Dylan says, like a brutish Hun warrior.
There are murmurings about how bad Chris’ reputation is in Bachelorland, which is an amazing accomplishment within a paradigm that already explicitly embraces competitive dating. Dude must have slayed so much pussy that it was technically a Pussy Genocide.
Dylan and Elise are on the rocks, and talk about how perhaps they ought to get to know other people. It just goes to show that even relationships that seem perfect for their first ninety minutes eventually get Real after you find out the other person’s birthday.
Meanwhile, Marcus and Lacy have been all up in each other’s grills and everyone else is starting to notice. “To be honest, I think it’s physical,” noted Sarah, regarding Larcus’ fledgling connection. To which I say, LOLOL REALLY, SARAH? Of course it is. They are hot, empty vessels who seem poised to spend the entire serious out-basicing each other in perfect silence.
Don’t believe me? Here’s the first line of Lacy’s Twitter profile: Family • God • Bella • Friends • Love Looks like someone isn’t afraid to talk about THE ISSUES.
Is anyone else having trouble keeping everyone straight, here? Call me a racist, but I think all white aspiring actors look the same. This show is a muddled tornado of sand, triangle bikinis and hair extensions.
So Elyse takes Dylan’s words to heart and starts to flirt with Chris the Aforementioned Sex Criminal. Dylan looks on while sadthrowing a football. At some point, the camera settles on Graham, who at age 35 looks like he’s about to receive his last rites.
Elise did kiss Chris, but IT DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING, I SWEAR. And yet, Dylan is pissed. But you wanted this, Elise pleads. No, Dylan returns. I wasn’t saying “go hook up with the first person who talks to you.” And then he said the one thing that he could never, ever take back: I guess a kiss just means more to me than it does to you.
It was, as Dylan surely knew, a metaphorical knife in the heart. Elise, in turn, metaphorically bleeds to death all over Dylan’s flip-flops.
This is no minor rift. When Dylan receives a date card, he gives it to Sarah. It is as if there never was a Paradise, for we have descended on this land with malice in our souls.
Did anyone remember that there is some guy named Ben here? Okay. Well, a.) there is, and b.) he brought a backpack. And inside of it was a letter. But it was no ordinary letter. It was a letter FROM A GIRL. From a girl he met before the show. And oh, is it a revelatory letter indeed.
As it happens, Letter Girl fell for Ben before the show started filming, and IT MIGHT BE LOVE so Ben MUST LEAVE PARADISE and HE IS SORRY.
Michelle inexplicably cries because he took the place of someone who might have come to Paradise for The Right Reasons™ and fallen in love with her. Her sorrow is not compelling, and I am left wondering why I ordered a breakfast sandwich on a roll when I know I actually wanted one on a bagel. YOU HEAR THAT, MICHELLE? WE ALL MUST MAKE PEACE WITH OUR REGRETS.
It’s time for the roses and I’ve barely paid attention! Bottom line:
Michelle gives a rose to Marquel AshLee gives a rose to Comparatively Geriatric Graham Claire gives a rose to Zack Sarah gives a rose to Robert Elise tries to give Dylan a rose, but he refuses because SOME WOUNDS NEVER HEAL. So she gives one to Chris instead. Lacy gives a rose to Marcus, and she is well pleased to be on a show that lets her experience her entire Twitter bio
And so Dylan is cast out of Paradise like Adam and Eve before him. But unlike them, he probably won't spend eternity ashamed of his nakedness.