Too many questions, not enough answers, just enough strangling: here's your weekly "Pretty Little Liars" recap, by way of Q&A.
Q: what's the deal with the house blowing up? A: the Cavanaugh's home exploded last week, and this week, it's blamed on a gas leak, but the girls know that's not true because they received one of those synchronized texts immediately afterward, reading, Q: "Did you miss me, bitches? - A" A: if the bitches in question are me and the other audience members, the answer is "Yes. Very much. Please make this season more exciting, 'A'. Also, where do you get your hoodies? Love them." But in fact the bitches are the Liars, and they are not amused. Yet we don't see them inspecting the house or trying in any way to find clues associated with it. Q: why not? A: they're too busy hanging at The Brew, talking about boys. Q: I don't remember that scene — are you sure? A: it wasn't in the episode but I'm pretty sure it happened.
Q: so who is "A"? A: At this point, we only get non answers. For example, Mr. Hastings didn't kill Mrs. D., which is only "proven" by way of Spencer believing his denial. I never thought he did it anyway, but this is shoddy detective work from the one they call Nancy Drew. I guess she's too busy trying on perfumes at the local mall. Q: okay that scene definitely never happened — what are you even talking about? A: I'm just mad this episode answered no questions. But we did get clues about "A" . First, this person claims to have killed Mrs. D, which we learn in a text sent to Ali: "I buried your mom the same way I watched her bury you." Also, based on the frilly black veil worn by a shapely spandexed figure at the end, "A" is female, and also hot — but is not Jenna, presumably, unless Jenna could "watch" the whole time.
A: for all I know, Lieutenant Tanner could be "A"; she's everywhere. First, she trolled at Radley, asking questions, later at Ali's house, and inbetween at Ezra's apartment, which was a blessing as it saved us from hearing Aria and him discuss their relationship (she said their hook up the night before was "a mistake"), and– Q: because it's illegal? A: because he wrote a book about her. Q: wait, the book is more wrong than him being her high-school teacher? A: I know, I know. Why is it okay to romanticize that onscreen? There were only two episodes, forever ago, that dealt with the magnitude of the transgression, and portrayed how society would actually react. Now it's all hot and oven-top-sex again, and we're supposed to be psyched. Q: so why aren't we also pulling for "A" to go ahead and kill them all? A: good point. Except, hm, I guess many actually are. So maybe we shouldn't have been all righteous just then. Anyway, when Lieutenant Tanner leaves Ezra's, Aria comes out of hiding and they open a package– Q: I thought you wanted to ignore their sex life? A: no, it was a letter containing a drawing of Mrs. D watering her roses, wearing a yellow scarf, unaware of a demon reptile rising from the earth with a dagger the size of her torso. It was drawn by Radley patient Bethany Young, the girl identified in Ali's grave. Also, by watching the footage from the hall camera that's still installed (gross), Ezra discovers the package was delivered by Radley employee Eddie Lamb.
A: by the way, "A" did try to kill Ali this week…or at least pretended to want to kill Ali. It was more of a scare strangle. Q: what's a "scare strangle"? Is that when one of your hair extensions falls out, lands on the floor, and people are scared? A: no, that's a "scare straggler." But that isn't an actual thing either. What happened on the show was that "A" tightened a scarf around Ali's neck and shook her around a bit, like they were in a Hitchcock film. Q: ah, so it was a "flair strangle"? A: nailed it. So then Emily shows up — to stop Ali from fleeing town — and fights off "A", who grunts like a girl (I'm serious; I heard it; the sound engineer put that in). Q: why didn't Emily just rip off the hoodie? A: I would flair strangle someone for the answer to that question. Q: hold on, was the scarf that strangled Ali also yellow? Because that is a serious subtle clue if so. A: you should really be writing these recaps, not me.
Q: What else? A: Hanna neglects Travis, who knows it's because she's distracted by Caleb, who is back, and still may or may not be ghost. No other answers here. Q: if Spencer's dad didn't do it, will he get back with her mom? A: nope, Mrs. Hastings is still peacing out, even though Spencer thought she'd saved the day by tricking them to have coffee together. Q: did she think this was "The Parent Trap"? A: speaking of pranks, Page broke the number 1 rule of Loser Army by talking about Loser Army, to Emily, including names. The next day a dead rat fell out of her locker and she screamed like it was a slasher flick. Q: where's Toby been all this time? A: Spencer asked the same question after the explosion, since he'd run toward the house. He called her to say his family was safe, but never appeared in the episode. Q: Think he might have sent that "Miss me, bitches" text? A: I've said before that people on this show usually die twice.