Hear no evil: Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) may look cozy, but she's not. Credit: ABC
Duct tape, teeth pulling and a toe fetish: It's your "Scandal" recap.
In this week's episode, no one knows who they are, and those who do are hiding their identity from everyone else. Plus, Liv speaks Chinese. Oh — and murder.
We open with Quinn (Katie Lowes), who couldn't decide whether she wanted to be a fixer and gladiator or a blood-thirsty assassin, and is now paying for her indecision in teeth. It would've been toes — which Huck (Guillermo Diaz) announces are his favorite body parts to remove — but because they were coworkers, he gives her the "friends and family discount" and promises just to take teeth. Before he begins, though, like so many torturers before him, he pauses to say he'll enjoy it, particularly because she is so very "soft." Then he licks her face, which is really when the torture begins.
Just then, Liv (aka Olivia Pope, aka Kerry Washington) calls: Her mother is alive and they needs him. He tells Quinn he'll be back, but then decides to pull one tooth before he goes, because "YOLO." You know YOLO, as in, "Go ahead and get a topping on your frozen yogurt!" or "Let's try Vietnamese tonight," or "Maybe just one molar."
Jesus, fire and taxes
VP Sallie is still planning to run against President Grant (aka Fitz, aka Tony Goldwyn, aka His Abs From Last Week Are Still Killing Me). But in order to win, her campaign manager says she'll have to do what he says: get women's votes by abandoning her pro-life stance. The big question: Will he be her copilot, or will Jesus take the wheel? She chooses politics and, presumably, ties Jesus to the vehicle's roof.
Meanwhile, James (Dan Bucatinsky) did have sex with Sally's closeted husband, but doesn't know that Cyrus (Jeff Perry) has seen the pictures, and Cyrus doesn't know that James knows that Cyrus set the whole thing up. But we know this will end badly.
James eventually tells Cyrus he's leaving and taking their daughter. Cyrus threatens to release the pictures, but then calls James later saying he burned them, which probably isn't true and anyway he only did it because Sally called his bluff. But who can blame him — haven't we all once been a gay man who pimped out his own husband in order to blackmail the vice president? YOLO!
So Mama Pope tells the gladiators that Eli (aka Rowan, aka B613 Command, aka Daddy Pope) kept her in prison for all those years because she discovered what he did for a living, stole some files and was about to blow the whistle. They hatch a plan to sneak her to Hong Kong before Daddy catches her again. Then everyone wonders where Quinn is, and Huck is like, "This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy came home." OK, he didn't.
Huck and Jake (aka Captain Ballard, aka Scott Foley) hatch a plan to assassinate daddy, and Jake goes straight to the White House for help. But Fitz is all, "You just want Olivia to think you're cool." And Jake is all, "You do." And Fitz is like, "Nuh-uh, you." American tax dollars at work.
Sex, murder and... murder
Huck removes more of Quinn's teeth. But the next time we see her, she's being rescued by Charlie. When she gets out of the shower, he gives her good advice (to swish vodka as a disinfectant) and bad advice (his lips and tongue). Then she drops her towel and they have sex. But, again, haven't we all been framed as a terrorist and rescued by an assassin, only to go gun crazy, accidentally murder a guard and then be tortured? It makes you randy.
Turns out Daddy put Mama on the FBI's Most Wanted list, so the China trip is on hold. Liv is forlorn, and calls Fitz for a pep talk. He says, "I do have some power around here," i.e. even if you didn't ask for help, you'll get it, i.e. I'm the coolest. He arranges to sneak Mama out of the country on a private flight, so suck it Jake.
Let's see, what else? The reason Huck let Quinn off easy is because he ordered her to do a job: kill Daddy Pope. Except, it turns out he might not be the bad guy: Right after Mama gets on the flight, Liv connects some dots that point to her mother as a terrorist. Also, when Sally told Fitz she planned to run against him, he got creepy and vengeful, saying, "You will regret this day forever." She took the prediction seriously and went home and murdered her gay, cheating husband. Yes, this plot point felt a little forced, but not as forced as her Southern accent.
With everyone either trying or pretending to be someone they're not, our only hero ends up being Huck — because at least he knows who he is. Say it loud, and say it proud: I love separating toes from feet! I love licking soft faces! So soft.