Sure, this episode contained murder, suicide, and statutory rape, but the worst crime against humanity was Quinn Perkins (Katie Lowes) making out with Charlie the Assassin. Dammit, this again? And I didn’t even have Dramamine.Plus last week she almost made out with torture-nut Huck (Guillermo Diaz) — albeit, not next to a corpse, but still. If Quinn is looking for love, she should just troll the apb like it’s Tinder.
Jake Ballard (Scott Foley) is the reason she was with Charlie. Jake kidnapped him and was about to torture him for info regarding Harrison’s death. These people are like Real Housewives the way they take turns torturing each other but never just end it all. But, then Charlie said he’d spill the beans if Jake would only lock Quinn in the room with him for 8 hours. And so the weird conjugal visit began. Highlight: Quinn strangling him. Lowlight: me strangling myself, while they kissed, to keep the vomit down.
Case of the week
Ripped from the headlines this week, a bride is accused of pushing her new husband off a cliff.MellieGrant (Bellamy Young)becomes obsessed with the case, even calling onNASA to help her mock up potential scenarios to bolster the woman’s defense, which is probably the most work NASA’s had in a while. She flies in the defense attorney and calls a meeting with a bunch of bigwigs which is interrupted when theattorney says the case has already been dismissed. Then Mellie becomes embarrassed and sneaks out but I don’t really understand why. Honest mistake, plus it was a good cause, right? It’s not like she pulled this case from the pages of the Enquirer.
Also ripped from the headlines tonight? High school girls are getting “major lady wood” from pictures of boys’ abs on Snapchat. So began Olivia Pope & Associate’s investigation into the case of the week.An old law-school buddy calls Liv (Kerry Washington) for help when her daughter goes missing. Quinn eventually tracks down the girl at a hotel and the mom runs to her side. But then Huck discovers a video of the mom boinking her daughter’s 17-year-old boyfriend, because he gave her major mom wood. He also finds a voicemail in which the daughter threatens to tell her dad everything. Why hasn’t Liv learned that these cases are always more complicated than they first appear, when everyone else in America knows? Anyway, the girl winds up dead, but the mom swears she didn’t do it. Story to be resolved next week. Wood to be resolved at your leisure.
The other white meat
Liv drops by to see her dad, Eli Pope / Papa Pope / Command (Joe Morton), but he doesn’t understand why and neither do I. She really wants to be his friend? He invites her to bring her new boyfriend Jake over for a pork dinner. But Jake says no — because, he says, Liv isn’t his girlfriend on account of being in love with another man. Why hasn’t Liv figured this out, when everyone else in America knows?
But then, after Jake gets the information out of Charlie — that Papa Pope is not onlyresponsible for the death of Harrison, but also ofthe president’s son — Jake accepts the dinner invitation. When Liv is out of earshot Jake blackmails her dad: Disappear to that African island or he’ll tell Liv everything. Papa responds by stabbing a butcher knife between Jake’s fingers. I’ll take that as a no. How is Jake possibly still alive at the end of the episode?Papa Pope is going soft. He’s my least favorite Housewife.
What else?
First, David Rosen (Joshua Malina) meets resistance while trying to push through the President’s gun-control legislation. So he visits his secret blackmailing lair and digs up dirt about the judgekilling people while drunk driving. Partyfor Rosen because the bill passes. Funeral for the judge, who kills himself. Party’s over for Rosen’s conscience. Also,Cyrus Beene (Jeff Perry) finally succumbs to the wiles of prostitute Michael, who’s working for Portia de Rossi, but we still don’t know her master plan. And, finally, the President learns Abby’s name is not Gabby. Abby learns he’s only talking to her to find out information about Liv.
