Ah, the orgasm. To many, it is necessary for everyday living and easy to achieve. But for countless others, it is elusive.
Many of my female patients say they are frustrated that they can’t achieve orgasm when they are with their partners. They’ve read how-to sex manuals, taken herbal concoctions — some have even gotten their hands on Viagra to try and get things moving. Usually they come in after several visits to medical professionals to explore non-medical factors that might be contributing to their inability to get there.
I start the session with one simple question: Can you bring yourself to orgasm? The answer is usually yes. In that case, these women are physically just fine. This tells me that the issue is about how they think about sex, their partners and themselves. Similar to fear and anxiety, changing the way they think about a situation can make all the difference.
• See this issue as an opportunity to improve and know yourself rather than as a problem. Take the opportunity to expand your sexual horizons and learn what works. Remember, you’ve already proven to yourself that an orgasm is biologically possible. So before tweaking your technique, it is important to feel comfortable with your body. Tell yourself that you can enjoy an orgasm while feeling good about taking care of your needs.
• Accept that sex is more than just a methodical process. Much of what stands between a self-induced orgasm and one with your partner occurs in your head.
• Know that the formula for a fulfilling orgasm includes more than just an adjustment of speed and intensity. An emotional bond, closeness and being in sync with each other’s bodies is crucial. Popping Viagra is probably about as effective as eating cherries.
• Don’t focus solely on technique or the genitals. This will only lead to anxiety and tension — both of which are incompatible with relaxing and letting yourself go.
• Realize that there is more to sex than just traditional sexual intercourse. Recognize the entire body has the potential to feel good and attempt to stimulate each other in ways you haven’t tried before.
Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist and executive coach. His book, “Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days,” is available now. Email him your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org. Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages.