Remember to smile. And then smile even more.
You still haven’t found your Valentine’s date yet? Don’t worry. We talk to four flirting experts about the do’s and don’ts of flirting. And it’s positive news; it’s not really that hard to upgrade your skills. By smiling more, not using pickup lines and keeping direct eye contact around 70 % of the time you should be good to go.
Rachel DeAlto, flirting and communications expert and life coach.
What are your three best tips for flirting?
1. Have confidence. Whether or not you actually have confidence you need to fake it to make it. You can’t be a good flirt if you don’t like yourself. Being confident in yourself and knowing that you have something to offer is the number one tip.
2. Making eye contact and adding a smile to it is really essential to starting the initial connection. No one is going to approach and start a conversation with a person that looks miserable.
3. The third thing is to remove fear. Stop being afraid of being rejected. We are all going through it. I have a lot of shy clients and I encourage them to push themselves over the edge. Start by starting a conversation with someone your not attracted to or someone of a sexual preference you are not attracted to.
Tell me about the worst thing to do when you are flirting?
Unless you are a stand up comedian pick up lines don’t work. I really wish people would stop using them. There are still people who think they are funny, but they are not.
Tell be about the appropriate topics to talk about when you’re flirting with a stranger?
Pick three things that you are somewhat of an expert in. If you’ve been to Italy five times choose that. The biggest problem when people are flirting is that they are getting nervous. So it’s a good thing to have these topics in your head.
And then tell me what topics to avoid when flirting?
In the beginning you should avoid to talk about politic and relations. And also relationships. I would stay away from talking about marriage or whether or not you want to be in a relationship.
How direct you should be when you are flirting?
You can be direct, but you don’t have to come out and say ‘I like you’. You can use a smile or a touch to show that.
After how long is it okay to ask for someone’s phone number?
Do it quickly. In the City people have things to do. Make an exit before you do anything that encourages them to not give you their number. And you should never ask permission. Say ‘What’s your number?’ instead of ‘Can I have your number?’.
What is the worst horror story you’ve heard from people about flirting?
I had a client that turned bright red every time he started a conversation with a woman. He was afraid of being rejected, so I advised him to do yoga before he was going out so he could release some of the anxiety. It helped a lot.
Ariel Kiley and Simone Kornfeld, authors of the flirting guidebook ‘Smitten: The Way of the Brilliant Flirt’
What are your three best flirting tips?
1. Show your real self. Lead with your authenticity. As we always say, there’s nothing hotter than being you.
2. Be bold. When you’ve got your eye on someone don’t turn into a wallflower. Operate under the assumption that everyone already wants to hang with you. This way you can boldly approach your target without being totally stifled by self-doubt.
3. Ask interesting questions. Get genuinely curious. Ask unique and quirky questions to spark their imagination and get the fun started.
Tell me about the worst thing to do when you are flirting?
The very worst thing to do while flirting is ask rote questions like “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” This is generic and boring. Also, never misrepresent yourself or try to morph yourself in what you think the person wants you to be. This squashes your authenticity and makes for a bad flirt.
Tell be about the appropriate topics to talk about when you’re flirting with a stranger?
Chat about things that make you feel enthused and centered in your real self – the stuff that genuinely interests you. You can discuss your life’s passion, the quirks of your pet’s personality, the hilarious thing that you saw on the subway platform last weekend, your particular expertise on some unexpected topic, the best bagel spot, and your favorite joke.
And then tell me what topics to avoid when flirting?
There’s no topic that should be avoided when flirting. Brilliant flirtation is about free expression. It is not to be stifled by “social safe zones.”
How direct should you be when flirting?
Use your senses to feel it out. If the person is welcoming your advances, go straight for it. If you sense the object of your attention feels shy, overwhelmed or reserved, then give them a little breathing room. But when you feel the urge to make a move, go for it. Initiative is sexy. In a world with so many choices, being someone’s number one is highly intoxicating.
After how long is it okay to ask for someone’s phone number?
First take a little time to build a rapport. If you ask too soon they might think your intentions are impure. Once you’ve established mutual interest go ahead and ask for their number, or offer them yours. Better to give it a shot than let the opportunity slip through your fingers. Fortune favors the bold.
What is the worst horror story you’ve heard from people about flirting?
Smitten co-author Simone once approached a cutie on the subway. She proceeded to brilliantly flirt her way into scintillating conversation and an exchange of digits. The guy called, and quickly started probing the possibility of having a threesome with his new girlfriend. If that wasn’t awkward enough, a few more questions about this “girlfriend” revealed that she was the sister of Simone’s very recent ex-boyfriend. Obviously Simone knew the girlfriend/sister very well and did not wish to know her any better. It was an utter flirtation success gone horribly wrong. Only in New York!
Tracey Steinberg, dating coach and flirting expert
What are your three best tips for flirting
1. Everyone’s favorite conversation is their favorite topic so encourage them to speak about what they are passionate about.
2. Compliment them on something they are proud of and let them know you admire them.
3. When you are speaking with them give them your full attention and direct eye contact about 70% of the conversation. A pack of wild coyotes could break down the door but you’re too enthralled with the Cutie to notice.
Tell me about the worst thing to do when you are flirting?
I’ve seen so many people spend so much energy thinking about what they should say or try really hard to come up with something hysterically funny. This keeps them in their head and out of the present moment. So, unless you are Chris Rock, don’t do this. Instead just relax, be polite, and enjoy the actual conversation.
Tell be about the appropriate topics to talk about when you’re flirting with a stranger?
Light and breezy topics that the other person enjoys are the best things to talk about.
And then tell me what topics to avoid when flirting?
Always avoid anything controversial or anything that makes them unhappy.
