“What do I do if I like two guys?” my client asked. “How will I decide?”
For her, this is a hypothetical question — she’s dating many men but still in the early stages with all of them. But it’s a question I hear more and more from singles. In a world where everyone is dating multiple people, how do you decide?
Each relationship is different, but something I consistently notice is people try to think their way to the answer. They compare matches. It happens because when choosing between any two things in life, we’re taught to consider pros and cons, and rely on logic. But love isn’t rational. To decide, you need to listen to your heart. What matters more than thinking is feeling.
Comparing is natural, but not fair. Each relationship and dynamic is its own. If the other person didn’t exist, would you commit? Focus on your emotions with each person separately to decide.
Here are two questions to draw out your feelings that have helped my clients:
How does this person make you feel? Our feelings about someone are the most real and raw when we’re with them, so ask yourself this at the end of your next date. What you find may surprise you. One of my clients thought she liked a guy because he pushed her in a good way, but realized he made her feel uncomfortable and pressured when she asked herself this.
Is there something here that can grow? If you’re trying to decide, it means you’re looking for a long-term relationship, which means the capacity for growth between you two is important. Another client was having amazing sex with the woman he was seeing, but was unsure about their relationship potential when asked this. He’s begun asking her more personal questions to see if depth in their relationship is possible.
Liking two people enough to delete your dating profile may seem like a good problem to have … and it is! But remember that while choosing can be empowering, your match has to come to the same conclusion on their own, too.
Laurie Davis Edwards is the founder of eFlirt, an online dating concierge service, and the best-selling author of "Love @ First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating."