In things that are gross, unnecessary (grossly unnecessary) and indicative of all that is wrong with America news, we were horrified to learn of the new Hands Free Whopper Holder, recently rolled out by titans of childhood diabetes and fat rear ends worldwide, Burger King.
To celebrate their 50th anniversary in Puerto Rico (technically part of America, see above re: all that is wrong) the fast food chain handed out 50 of these contraptions evidently designed to make it even easier for diners to get face-fulls of beef, cheese, and cholesterol down their food chutes and into their heaving guts as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Because god forbid some dude had to actually lift a burger to his greasy mouth to get those extra 600 + calories in. If only BK could devise some way to chew it for us, too, we’d really be in business.
Just another nail in our collective dietary coffins, this gross promotion follows a recent string of disgusting fast food gimmicks that we all ate up like so much processed food stuff, KFC’s Double Down (fried chicken instead of bread in your chicken sandwich!) and BK’s Bacon Sundae (because neither ice cream nor bacon is enough of a treat on its own!) among the grossest.
The promotional video above shows hungry, hungry Whopper consumers using all that awesome hand-space cleared up by the Whopper Holder to get some tattooing, dog walking, guitar playing, massaging, and home manicuring done, all while their whopper bounces around their necks in its plastic carrying case like some sort of beef patty-flavored dental head gear. Pretty handy.
We’re more inclined to imagine a Whopper Holder user delivering his insulin shot with his free hands while he’s face first in his burger, but who knows? He might want to get a round of hoops or some boxing in after he waddles out the door.