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Do I need to be a jerk to get women to go out with me?

The self-proclaimed “nice guy” asking me this question has spent onetoo many days in I-like-you-as-a-friend purgatory. I figure he deservesan answer.

The self-proclaimed “nice guy” asking me this question has spent one too many days in I-like-you-as-a-friend purgatory. I figure he deserves an answer.


Because you know what he’s talking about right ladies? C’mon, admit it. You hear yourself say it to your girlfriends: “He’s a reeeally nice guy, funny, considerate, a real sweetheart. I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not attracted to him.”


Am I right?


Why go for funny, sweet, considerate when we can go for indifferent, self-centred and manipulative? So much sexier.


So, why do women love bad boys? For some women it’s about the challenge and the excitement. Nice guys are too predictable. They want to love them, but the good girl in them wants to rebel. And since society doesn’t like bad girls, they let bad boys bring out the rebel in us.


“I want to be comfortable but not bored,” a bad-boy addict girlfriend tries to explain. “I’m not sure that exists so I go for the thrill instead.”


One could also argue that going after guys who are clearly lousy long-term relationship material is like the female version of “commitmentphobia.” It’s less scary to long than to genuinely love.


Some women latch on to the naïve belief that she’ll be the one to turn him around. Of course, one could also argue that being attracted to people who make us work a little harder for it is simply human nature. Just as many guys are drawn to indifferent, rebellious “bad girls” who keep them guessing, we all like a bit of a challenge when it comes to relationships. It’s not that you have to turn into a lout to get a date. But the problem with some nice guys, is that, well, they’re a little too nice.


Women do like to be treated nicely but they also appreciate a guy who’s willing to stand up for himself. It’s very hard to respect a guy and believe he likes himself enough for us to like him if he’s willing to take whatever a woman dishes him.


So you can be nice without being a doormat. And you can be self-confident without coming across as an arrogant, well, jerk. And hey, if you ride a motorcycle, it might not hurt.



Josey Vogels is a sex and relationship columnist and author of five books on the subjects. For more info, visit joseyvogels.com.

 
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