Remember when November was just that boring month sandwiched between pumpkin-spice-latte season and the holidays? With no long-weekends in the mix, the 30 unspecial days following Halloween would just drag by without any consequence.
Now, this once-dreary month has been taken over by an army of moustached do-gooders. November has been rebranded as Movember — or, as I like to call it, Ironic Facial Hair Appreciation Month.
While fundraising efforts to battle prostate cancer are commendable, fellas with newly acquired ’staches need to realize that these charitable whiskers can be a little uncomfortable for your partner.
If you find yourself getting close to a Mo Bro during this hair-raising month, here are a few things to keep in mind.
In the early stages of moustache growth, your man will probably be working with some pretty weak pre-pubescent hairs. Depending on his growing capabilities, this unsightly stubble may stick around for the entire month. Try to look past the tragic teen ’stache and remember the noble cause behind his creepiness. Is wispy upper-lip hair a turn on? Absolutely not. But there’s something pretty sexy about a man who’s willing to donate his face to a worthy cause.
If you’re used to being with a clean-shaven guy, it’s going to take a while to get on board with kissing a moustachioed man. It’ll feel a bit like making out with a broom at first. Worst-case scenario, you might even find some stray pieces of food in that soup strainer. Just take a deep breath and remember all the times he called you sexy despite your unruly leg hair.
Depending on his level of creativity, your man may decide to groom his altruistic facial hair into a themed mo. Popular styles include the Captain Hook, the pencil, the horseshoe, the Charlie Chaplin, the toothbrush and, of course, the always creepy handlebar. Some thematic moustaches will make you laugh, but most will make you cringe with horror. Resist the urge to look away. Instead, be supportive and walk proudly down the street with your Hulk Hogan look-alike.
Once his ’stache is fully formed, your man is going to be deluded into thinking that he is the new Magnum P.I. In reality, he’ll probably look more like a C-list porn star. To be fair, there are very few men who can pull off a mustache. If you think he might start considering a year-round moustache, quickly insist that Tom Selleck’s ladies’-man status is most definitely the exception, not the rule.