Kellyanne Conway, ‘functional FLOTUS,’ would rather ‘slit her wrists’ than be press secretary

KellyanneConway, “functional first lady of the United States,” candidly spoke to New York Magazine about her time at President Trump’s side and her new-found celebrity status.

Here are a few highlights from the article.

She’d rather commit suicide than be White House press secretary.

“Slit my wrists, bleed out, put cement shoes on, jump off the bridge, and then I’ll take the job —are you kidding me?” Conway toldNew York Magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi.

The anti-abortion rights Conway paid for women’s abortions.

“Do I know anybody who ever got an abortion?” she told NY Magazine. “Well, of course I do. I’ve driven them there. I’ve helped pay.”

“You know, when you’re young, you’re thinking about the person, not the issue,” she said. “We were younger, and I was focused on her, not on the larger public policy.”

Her code name is “Blueberry.”

When the Secret Service asked Conway to pick a code name that begins with a “b,” she said “that’s easy!” From picking blueberries as a child insouthern New Jersey to taking the crown of Miss New Jersey Blueberry Princess at 16, the woman who earned the distinction of World Champion Blueberry Packer for her skill at packing berries into crates said she knew exactly whatto choose.

She is so over being recognized.

“Once in a while, somebody will come up to me in the aisle and they just sort of hasten their gait and say, ‘You oughtta be ashamed of yourself! You oughtta look in the mirror!’ And I’m like, ‘I’ll get right on it! Mirrors, aisle eight!’”

Although, Conway told NY Magazine that she more often runs into fans. “All the women coming up to me: ‘My mom’s gonna die if she hears you’re in the grocery store!’ Well, how else would I eat?” she said.

When she said “alternative facts,” she didn’t really mean “alternative facts.”

What she really meant to say was, “additional facts and alternative information,” Conway told Nuzzi.

“Two plus two is four,” Conway explained. “Three plus one is four. Partly cloudy, partly sunny. Glass half full, glass half empty. Those are alternative facts.”

And that Bowling Green Massacre? She meant to say,“Bowling Green masterminds.”

On being the Trump Whisperer, Steve Bannon and flipping pancakes

Bannon once said: “I do think it was a little overplayed when she was quote-unquote the Trump whisperer. There’s no Trump whisperer. There’s just not. It doesn’t function like that. He doesn’t absorb information like that. Everybody that’s looked at as a Trump whisperer? It’s always meant to demean him.”

Conway responded to the man she calls the White House’s “man of mystery:” “I tease him a lot. I told him in December or November, ‘You realize I go on TV to defend you more now than Donald Trump? So while you’re sound asleep and my husband is trying to master how to flip a pancake, I’m actually defending you.’”

She has “walk-in privileges,” meaningshe can enter the Oval Office without being announced.

The woman Trump referred to as“my Kellyanne”said she doesn’t have to go on TV to talk to her boss.

“When I want to talk to him, I go talk to him,” she told the magazine. “Eighty-five percent of what I discuss with him will never be revealed. It’s like any other boss–C-suite-employee relationship. I don’t need to talk to him through the TV. I just go in and talk to him.”

Conway was introduced to her husband by Ann Coulter.

Kellyanne Fitzpatrickmarried George T. Conway III, a lawyer who’d represented Paula Jones in her case against then-President Bill Clinton, in 2001.

Coulter, who introduced the pair, read at their wedding.