Rebecca Black’s competition: Ark Music Factory’s failed teen dreams
The Internet took time out of its busy schedule to find the worst music video in the world this weekend, unveiling the utterly horrible "Friday," by Rebecca Black for all to see. This teen-pop atrocity, which describes in exhaustive detail one girl’s completely normal weekday routine, is the handiwork of one Ark Music Factory, a vanity music-video business that apparently takes everyday teens with ambitions of pop stardom and provides them with the songwriters, music videos and Auto-Tune to make their dreams come true in the most humiliating way possible.
As Rolling Stone
points out, the computerized, affect-less performances Ark churns out almost act as a
parody of modern pop music. With the same overused synths-and-Auto-Tune aesthetic and the same phoned-in hip-hop guest verses, only the sheer
dreadfulness of the lyrics separates Ark’s jams from, say, the latest
Willow Smith joint.
Black’s already taken enough lumps, so we’re not going to pick on her again. Instead, we’re going to spotlight some Ark deep cuts, and the memes you’ll be quoting with friends this weekend.
"My Jeans" by Jenna Rose
The mundanity of "Friday" taken to its logical extreme: "My Jeans" concerns one girl’s jeans, and how proud she is of them when she sees them being worn by celebrities.
Possible meme: "Ha ha ha ha / Jack my swag," said as innocently as possible.
"Without Your Love" by Britt Rutter
This one’s about social media! You know, for kids!
Possible meme: "Cray-he-zeh, bay-ye-bah!"
"Can’t Get You Out of My Mind" by Kaya
Sort of a weird age difference in this one.
Possible meme: A mash-up with Kylie Minogue’s "I Just Can’t Get You Out of My Head" or maybe the dancing that occurs at 2:30.
"Ordinary Pop Star" by C.J. Fam
Saved the most best for last! Here we have a non-famous preteen paying a lot of money to make a video about how it is horrible to be famous, in the hopes that it will help her become famous. Add in the fact that Ms. Fam appears to be around nine but dresses and emotes like an adult celebrity, and you’ve got a bizarre video that, if it appeared in a fiction film about the pressures put on wannabe child stars, would be criticized for being too on-the-nose.
Possible meme: Creating TMZ-style websites about everyday nine-year-olds.
(Hope you’ve enjoyed these videos! Just FYI: if you’ve read the whole thing, you may need to register with local law enforcement now.)