The five kinds of men you meet in romantic comedies

Dudes, bein' dudes.

Mindy Kaling’s great New Yorker article about the seven types of ridiculous women in romantic comedies is blowing up the Internet! In tribute to Kaling, Metro presents our own counter-list, the five men who only exist in romantic comedies:

The rough and tumble hunk with a heart of gold

Sure, this guy seems gruff at first. He plays pool with his buddies! He drinks beer! He goes a few days without shaving! This dude comes in many flavors, from lovably immature to rogueishly misogynistic, but either way, he’s there in order to give a little Alpha Male fantasy “for the guys.” He’ll eventually turn into boyfriend material with the love of a Good Woman, so ladies, remember — if you’re dating a guy who doesn’t respect you, it’s because you’re not good enough.

The high-society fiance

The polar opposite of the rough and tumble hunk, the rich fiance will often compete with him for our heroine’s affections. He’s handsome in a generic way and he wears a tie in almost every situation, but still, there’s something missing. Most likely it’s that he’s never made his girl ever really laugh, because people have years-long relationships with people who have never made them laugh all the time in real life. He’s there to show that stability and commitment are boring.

The “Mister Wickham”

The younger, smoother cousin to the hunk with a heart of gold, this dude at first seems to be a charming sort of cad. However! Unlike his rough counterpart, whose flaws are vulgar enough that they need to be overcome, the Mister Wickham’s ugliness is so attractive that it throws him into Too Good to Be True territory. His love affair with the heroine is fast and loose, and he’s generally dumped by the middle of act III. The lesson for ladies: Make sure you know where you’re at in your narrative before you start dating someone. If you’re only in act I, he’s not going to stick around!

The most patient friend in the world

You know that childhood friend you were pretty sure had a thing for you, but you didn’t have time for because you were always fixated on the “bad boys”? Well, now he’s back, with that same “aw shucks” charm! Has he moved on from his juvenile crush? Of course not: Decades-long obsessions are romantic. We get the appeal; this guy plays into the subconscious fantasy of falling in love with someone who knew you before you ever threw up in a barroom bathroom, which isn’t a bad thing. But he also should answer for the countless destruction he’s caused to the love lives of innocent teenage boys the world over. Have an unrequited crush on your friend? Don’t worry, just wait it out, even if it takes decades! It’s true love, it really is.

The cardboard man

Our heroine is an aspiring career woman with a thankless job and a crazy boss! This provides enough drama to fill out 90% of a movie, but what to do with the other 10%? Easy, give her a blandly affable male friend — or even an acquaintance — to complain to and then kiss at the end! Does he need a job, or a hobby, or a personality of his own? Eh, not really. It’s only important that he shows the girls in the audience that you really can Have It All. (And shows the old-timers that not all women with jobs are lesbians!) In the future, this character won’t even have a name because he will be played by a cardboard cut-out.



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

MAP: New York City Street Closures August 22,…

The Percy Sutton Harlem 5K and NYC Family Health Walk-a-thon and Pakistan Day Parade and Fair will cause traffic delays and street closures in New York City this weekend. Plan…

International

U.N. nuclear inquiry on Iran seen making slow…

The U.N. nuclear watchdog appears to have made only limited progress so far in getting Iran to answer questions about its suspected atomic bomb research, diplomatic sources said on Friday,…

National

Violence-weary Missouri town sees second night of calm

By Nick Carey and Carey GillamFERGUSON Mo. (Reuters) - The violence-weary town of Ferguson, Missouri, saw a second straight evening of relative calm on Thursday…

National

Journalist James Foley's parents, after call with pope,…

The parents of James Foley, the American journalist killed by Islamic State militants in Iraq, on Friday called for prayer and support to free the remaining captives held by Islamic…

Television

Recap: 'The Knick,' Season 1, Episode 3, 'The…

The third episode of Steven Soderbergh's "The Knick" finds Dr. Thackery (Clive Owen) meeting an old flame and other characters embracing self-destruction.

Music

Webcast: Watch Polyphonic Spree live on Sunday Aug.…

Polyphonic Spree singer Tim DeLaughter sits with Metro Music Editor Pat Healy for a chat and then the big band performs live. It begins on Sunday at 9:30 pm

Movies

Matthew Weiner on directing 'Are You Here' and…

"Mad Men" creator Matthew Weiner discusses his movie "Are You Here," his history writing comedy and the tiny movie he directed in 1996 you can't see.

Movies

Michael Chiklis on his football past and 'When…

Michael Chiklis remembers playing football in high school and how that prepped him to play a coach in "When the Game Stands Tall."

NFL

Fantasy football draft guide: How to draft your…

Many are wondering if we’re entering a new age in fantasy football drafting — one where running backs take a backseat.

NFL

Jets vs. Giants: 3 Giants storylines to watch

The Giants have plenty to work on as they reach the dress rehearsal preseason game Friday night against the rival Jets.

NFL

Jets vs. Giants: 3 Jets storylines to watch

Metro looks at three Jets storylines to watch as they play the Giants Friday.

NFL

Giants expected to work Corey Washington into first-team…

The day of reckoning for the Giants' fringe players will fall upon them Friday night against the Jets.

Sex

Big weddings may lead to long-term happiness

Dreaming of a big wedding? A new study indicates that the longer your guest list, the happier you’ll be in the long run. l A…

Sex

Online dating for every generation

Frank Jackson and his mother Maggie are like lots of modern families: They have dinner together regularly, keep each other updated on their lives —…

Wellbeing

Going green could be the key to getting…

If we could just pursue the things that would actually make us happy, we could help the environment too, according to a New York researcher.…

Tech

Siren: A new dating app that puts women…

Online dating can be brutal, especially for single women. Noting that many women hate wading through inappropriate messages and photos, two tech entrepreneurs decided to…