Here is your anti-V-Day playlist of inappropriate Valentine’s songs
We all instinctively know what goes into a Valentine’s Day mix tape: songs of romantic love and devotion, preferably with lots of rhymes about ‘hearts.’
However, you’re probably listening to a bunch of those songs already today. In the spirit of fairness, we’ve decided to make an anti-Valentine’s Day playlist, full of the inappropriate songs you wouldn’t send to the object of your affection in a million years. (NSFW language, obviously.)
It’s not uncommon to wish your sister a happy Valentine’s Day, but we’d suggest you if you do, you refrain from playing her this ode to incest.
The Rolling Stones, “Andrew’s Blues”
What do you mean, you mean you’re not in the mood for a sexually explicit song about the nighttime exploits of the Rolling Stones’ manager?
Liz Phair, “F**k and Run”
Yes, sex can be a romantic activity. But as Ms. Phair reminds us here, it can also be rote and joyless. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Shaggy, “It Wasn’t Me”
Lying and infidelity — they’re all around!
Love: It’s a beautiful thing.
Crash Test Dummies, “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”
Nothing gets me in the mood like wordless baritone humming.
Liz Phair, “H.W.C.”
This is a really cute song! But it’s also kind of gross.
Joy Division, “No Love Lost”
“Through the wire screen, the eyes of those standing outside looked in at her as into the cage of some rare creature in a zoo. In the hand of one of the assistants she saw the same instrument which they had that morning inserted deep into her body. She shuddered instinctively. No life at all in the house of dolls.” Sexy!
Ace of Base, “All That She Wants”
Send this to a crush, and they will probably get the wrong idea.
The Clash, “Protex Blue”
Nothing says romance to me like “used condoms.”
Everlast, “What It’s Like”
Your relationship, too, will likely end in heartbreak and despair.
Chris Brown ft. Ludacris, “Wet the Bed”
Chris Brown. Ugh.
Happy Valentine’s Day!