Stephen Colbert returns to show, addresses his absence

He's baaaaack.

Several days after taping was suspended for “unforseen circumstances,” funny man Stephen Colbert was right back where he belonged — his desk on “The Colbert Report.”

He opened the show by addressing several of the rumors circulating over his recent absence.

“As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied this,” Colbert said, motioning to his face.

For the record, none of these are the real reason he was gone:

– His show was canceled by the FCC per the request of the Federal Election Commission because he was about to announce his bid for president.

– The show was canceled because he offended the Catholic church when he compared the pope’s hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic.   

– He was in rehab.

– He was getting plastic surgery — specifically getting a nose job or “new eyes,” according to Joan Rivers.

“I had my ass done,” Colbert joked in response to Joan Rivers’ prediction. “The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight it can barely blink now.”

Before moving on with the rest of the show, Colbert added one final remark about this absence.

“One more thing,” he said. “Evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails. Confidential to a lovely lady.”

Colbert is one of 11 children, and while he never gave the real reason for his absence, it has been reported that he took the break from taping to care for his 91-year-old mother Lorna.  

On Friday, Colbert tweeted, “My family and I would like to thank everyone who has offered their thoughts and prayers. We are grateful and touched by your concern.”



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Astoria minivan crash kills 1, injures 6: NYPD

Anthony Boyd, 45, died soon after what investigators believe was some sort of medical emergency as he drove his family through Astoria on Sunday afternoon.

Local

NYC pension funds valued at $160b: Scott Stringer

The five NYC pension funds that thousands of city employees contribute to saw its fifth year in a row of increased returns, up $23 billion from last year.

International

Sierra Leone Ebola patient, recovered from family, dies…

An Ebola patient whose family sparked a nationwide hunt when they forcefully removed her from a treatment center and took her to a traditional healer has died.

Local

VIDEO: Cop reassigned as NYPD investigates alleged head…

An officer alleged to have stomped on a Brooklyn man's head last week had his gun taken away and placed on modified duty.

Music

Newport Folk Festival: Photo gallery of 35 moments…

As has been the tradition since Bob Dylan plugged in a bajillion years ago, the Newport Folk Festival embraces more musical genres than its name implies.

Music

MKTO: Behind the bromance

MKTO's Malcolm Kelley and Tony Oller talk about the American Dream tour, Demi Lovato and getting turned down by girls.

Arts

James Earl Jones and Rose Byrne head to…

Two-time Tony winner James Earl Jones returns to the New York stage next month as an eccentric grandfather in a revival of the 1930s comedy…

Movies

Box office: Scarlett Johansson wins battle of brains…

Scarlett Johansson's "Lucy" handily dispatched with Dwayne Johnson's "Hercules" over the weekend.

MLB

Yankees looking to trade for Josh Willingham: Report

CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman reported Sunday the Yankees are interested in Twins outfielder Josh Willingham.

MLB

Joe Torre: I'm in Hall of Fame because…

Joe Torre spent 18 years putting together a near Hall of Fame career as a player. But it was the 12 years he spent as…

MLB

Yankees GM Brian Cashman breaks down art of…

The action frequently accelerates as the non-waiver trade deadline approaches, as it will on Thursday.

Auto racing

Jeff Gordon captures fifth title at Brickyard 400

Jeff Gordon captures fifth title at Brickyard 400

Tech

Amazon offers 3D printing to customize earrings, bobble…

By Deepa SeetharamanSAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Amazon.com Inc will offer 3D printing services that allow customers to customize and build earrings, bobble head toys and…

Wellbeing

This Week In Health: Friends share similar DNA,…

Friends share similar DNA, study finds Location: U.S. Study subjects: Nearly 2,000 people Results: When it comes to our social networks, it seems that birds of…

Education

Are liberal arts colleges turning away from the…

Bryn Mawr College, a small women's college located just outside of Philadelphia, announced last week that it would be making standardized tests like the SAT…

Education

Recent grads discover school superintendent plagiarized parts of…

  Two recent high school graduates made a surprising discovery about the commencement speech their school superintendent delivered at their graduation: portions of it was copied…