Stephen Colbert returns to show, addresses his absence

He's baaaaack.

Several days after taping was suspended for “unforseen circumstances,” funny man Stephen Colbert was right back where he belonged — his desk on “The Colbert Report.”

He opened the show by addressing several of the rumors circulating over his recent absence.

“As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied this,” Colbert said, motioning to his face.

For the record, none of these are the real reason he was gone:

– His show was canceled by the FCC per the request of the Federal Election Commission because he was about to announce his bid for president.

– The show was canceled because he offended the Catholic church when he compared the pope’s hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic.   

– He was in rehab.

– He was getting plastic surgery — specifically getting a nose job or “new eyes,” according to Joan Rivers.

“I had my ass done,” Colbert joked in response to Joan Rivers’ prediction. “The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight it can barely blink now.”

Before moving on with the rest of the show, Colbert added one final remark about this absence.

“One more thing,” he said. “Evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails. Confidential to a lovely lady.”

Colbert is one of 11 children, and while he never gave the real reason for his absence, it has been reported that he took the break from taping to care for his 91-year-old mother Lorna.  

On Friday, Colbert tweeted, “My family and I would like to thank everyone who has offered their thoughts and prayers. We are grateful and touched by your concern.”



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Breaking: National

Peter Theo Curtis: American released by Syrian militants…

An American writer freed this week from two years in the captivity of insurgents in Syria spoke briefly outside his family's Cambridge home Wednesday of…

Local

FDNY debuts new fire simulator for blazes at…

The New York City Fire Department christened its newest, state-of-the-art, custom-built simulator at its training academy on Randall's Island Tuesday.

Local

Bronx cop saves baby who stopped breathing

A Bronx police officer is credited with saving the life of a 2-month-old baby who stopped breathing Tuesday morning. Police Officer Johnny Castillo, 38, was…

Local

Brewer celebrates Women's Equality Day with voter pledge

Manhattan Borough President Gale Brewer celebrated Women’s Equality Day Tuesday by pledging to register at least five women voters before the Oct. 10 deadline. Brewer…

Entertainment

QUIZ: How many English words do you actually…

Are you as smart as you say you are? Are you a word nerd? Take this quick vocabulary test to find out if you're a true wordsmith. Good luck.

Television

'Pretty Little Liars' recap: Season 5, Episode 12,…

If you've wondered whether Ali and Bethany knew each other, you got an answer tonight: Yes, and in a very tangled way. But many lingering…

Entertainment

Cymbals Eat Guitars Have Everything to 'LOSE'

At its most basic level, a rock band can be thought of as a family, a group of people selflessly devoted to a cause. When…

Entertainment

"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: Episode 4, 'Week Four'

Some things are hard to watch in a “Human Centipede” sort of way. Other things in an “American History X” sort of way. Does “Bachelor…

College

When are 2014 college football playoffs? (Schedule, date,…

When and where are 2014 college football playoffs? A look at the schedule, date, TV, time for the semi-finals at championship game.

NFL

Dimitri Patterson suspended only for rest of preseason…

Dimitri Patterson ended up getting just a slap on the wrist.

Sports

Eugenie Bouchard excited for 'rowdy' fans at US…

Eugenie Bouchard is sure to endear herself to New York's tennis faithful as she tries to win her first grand slam title across the next two weeks.

MLB

MLB Power Rankings: Angels and A's still at…

MLB Power Rankings: Angels and A's still at top, Nationals climb

Wellbeing

Who is having the most orgasms?

  Single lesbians report having orgasms more often than heterosexual women but both gay and straight men still come out on top of the climax…

Home

Jonathan Adler shares his tips for a great…

Jonathan Adler took a break from boogie boarding at his beach house to tell us how to keep that Labor Day party festive.

Travel

Most popular Labor Day weekend destinations

Priceline.com released its Top 20 destinations for the end of summer, including Labor Day weekend. If you’re heading to any of these spots, expect a…

Wellbeing

Working your way to type 2 diabetes: Job…

When it comes to type 2 diabetes, a stressful job can be as risky for your health as a bad diet and no exercise. A…