A blackjack beatdown could have been avoided

That's not KT Kashman playing blackjack in this 1991 file photo, but it would be funny if it were.

I took a little field trip to Parx Casino over the weekend. During most of my visits to Parx, I usually play No-Limit Hold ‘Em cash games. They are beatable and consume time if you feel like playing for a while.

This trip, though, I decided to try my hand at blackjack. This turned out to be a big mistake.

I should have known that this trip was going to be a disaster the minute I pulled into the parking lot. I hit a pot hole the size of a small swimming pool. I’m pretty sure I damaged something on my car but haven’t seen any evidence yet. Fingers crossed.

As I walked into the casino, I noticed that it was much more crowded than usual. I am not a fan of crowds, particularly in a casino where cigarette smoking is allowed. It almost seemed like they were pumping it in through the ventilation system. At that, I should have turned around and gone to the poker room. Stupidly, I didn’t.

After hunting for about 20 minutes, I was pleasantly surprised to find an anchor seat open at a blackjack table. I quickly sat down and cashed in. To my right was seated an older woman who apparently spoke no English, evidently had a problem with basic math and blackjack strategy (more on that in a second), and had no shortage of money on hand.

My first hand dealt was K-Q. 20! Great start right? WRONG! The dealer, who I called Mr. Wizard because of his penchant for unbelievably impossible wins, dealt himself a six-card 21! This was another omen which I stupidly ignored.

For the next hour or so I floated, up and down, which is fine. There’s nothing I hate more than getting wiped out within a half hour of sitting at the table and having to get back in the car before the engine has even cooled.

Anyway, at this point, the lady to my right decided to “loosen up” her play a little, as if that was even possible. What precipitated this, I have no idea but this is where things took a turn for the absolute worst.

She got dealt 10-10 and decided to split them against a dealer 10! My mouth hit the floor and I turned to her and asked if she was aware that breaking up the second best hand in the game was not a very sound strategy. I would have been better off talking to the garbage can. She grunted and pointed at something off in the distance.

I should have got up at this point and gone home.

I didn’t.

I just sat there and donated.

Within a half hour, the moron to my right proceeded to double on 3-4 against a dealer 3, not double 5-6 against a dealer 8, and refuse to hit 9-7 against a dealer K. Between her antics, the lung cancer I was developing from the cigarette smoke in the air, and the small fortune I had lost, I couldn’t take any more.

I excused myself from the table, turned to walk toward the exit, and tripped over a vacuum cleaner cord, falling flat on my face. Embarrassed as I was, I hurried to the car and got out of there. I’m surprised I didn’t get a speeding ticket on the ride home. It wouldn’t have surprised me.



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
National

Mutant worms stay sober, even on alcohol

U.S. researchers have developed "mutant worms" that do not get drunk by alcohol, a breakthrough that could lead to new treatment for people trying to quit drinking

Local

K-9 nose helps capture $150K in cocaine at…

A furry, four-legged security agent helped authorities stop an illegal cocaine shipment from sneaking past JFK customs.

National

Minnesota man asked to leave Southwest flight after…

A man and his two sons were asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight after the man sent a tweet complaining about being treated rudely by a gate agent.

National

Man sues hospital after surprise penis amputation

An Alabama man who went in to a hospital last month for a circumcision awoke after surgery to find his penis had been amputated, his lawyer said on Thursday.

Movies

Review: Brett Ratner's big 'Hercules' movie is small…

The latest "Hercules," starring Dwayne Johnson as the half-god beefcake of Greek myth, strips its hero and tale of most of its fantastical elements.

Arts

Scientists recreate world's smallest Monet copy

Scientists have reproduced a famous Impressionist painting using nano-printing, to create what has been described as the world's smallest work of art. Reworked at the…

Television

Jerry Seinfeld is ambidextrous, and other Reddit AMA…

See some of the weirder highlights of Jerry Seinfeld's recent Reddit AMA.

Going Out

Grab a pedestrian and start dancing at What…

As a New Yorker, I’ve mastered the art of focusing my gaze straight ahead. Though it occasionally piques my interest, the absurdities that play out…

U.S. Soccer

Orlando City takes shot at NYCFC over Frank…

Orlando City reminded the world how big a signing Brazilian star Kaka earlier this month with a photo of Kaka mobbed by fans juxtaposed against Lampard.

NBA

Jeremy Lin says 'Linsanity' is over as he…

Jeremy Lin lit up the NBA two years ago with his play for the Knicks but he has no desire to recreate "Linsanity" in his new career with the Lakers.

NFL

2014 NFL Fantasy Football Top 100 overall player…

2014 NFL Fantasy Football Top 100 overall player rankings

U.S. Soccer

NYCFC announce signing of Frank Lampard

The tease of a big signing Thursday by new MLS side NYCFC ended up being one rumored for weeks. England midfielder Frank Lampard agreed to…

Tech

Forget Wi-Fi: Li-Fi could be the future

Li-Fi technology – developed by Mexican company Sisoft – is wireless internet connectivity using specialized LED light.

Tech

Weather app Climendo might be the most accurate…

The wait for a truly accurate weather forecast could finally be over thanks to a nifty new app called Climendo.

Tech

Napkin Table puts focus off the phone and…

Michael Jan, a design student at Tunghai University in Taiwan, has invented a serviette-picnic blanket hybrid called the Napkin Table.

Style

Essie's new Color Boutique

Essie launches high-tech kiosks at major airports and malls across the country.