The Tanning Mom releases rap “song” — ears everywhere bleed

Oh dear god, no. We thought the recording industry had reached its lowest pit of scum-sucking despair when it allowed Rebecca Black’s “Friday” to enter the world. Then we thought that actually maybe “My Jeans” had that topped and we could close the book on this thing.

We thought wrong. Because today we heard Patricia Krentcil a/k/a “The Tanning Mom’s” new song a/k/a ”the aural equivalent of sucking pus from a homeless man’s infected big toe while listening to feral cats mate in a meat grinder.” It’s called “It’s Tan Mom” (points for cleverness!) and it is a rap song.

Well, it’s a rap song if your definition of the genre extends to a middle-aged woman who has tanned herself the color of motor oil — and apparently sun-fried her brains — slur robotically (a sonic feat we didn’t even know was possible, dubbing this strange new genre #drunkrobotgaze) about — you guessed it — gettin’ tan.

Choice drunken robot slurred lines include: “I’m sexier…than…the Teen….Mom….and….Octo….Mom.”

Also, she’s a pretty good rhymer: “I want you to get away….from me…every day.” “My name is tan mom, tanning is the bomb.”

Also, this is the worst thing. And you can purchase it for a mere $0.99 on iTunes as of right now.

We give up.


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