‘Bachelorette’ recap: Episode 9, ‘Dominican Republic’

¡HOLA, BACHELOR NATION! What’s better than a date with a hunk on an island? Three hunks, no curfews, and NOOOO MERRRRCCCCCCY!!! Oh, and, they’re in the Dominican Republic, which gives Josh one more opportunity to not shut up about baseball.

Andi and the honorably toiling editing team treat us to a clip-heavy highlight reel about each guy, complete with Andi’s voiceover to give all of that canoodling meaning. Here’s the lo-down on the remaining three contestants:

Chris, we are reminded, is a real man. (If she thinks farming is masculine, just wait until she finds out about hunting and gathering!!!) He was also the sappy scribe behind those extraneous Secret Admirer letters. He spent most of his hometown date being pan-shot in silhouette in front of a cornfield, THAT GOLDEN AMERICAN BOUNTY THAT CRADLES US ALL. He is also the crowd favorite in the Basic-est corners of Twitter, and girls named Kayla can’t stop won’t stop tweeting OMG CHRIS I WILL COME TO IOWA RIGHT NOW I’M SOOOOO OBSESSED <insert like 13 emojis of kissy lips, hearts, a different color heart, a backslash that was a typo, etc.>

There are so many things about Josh that Andi has grown to like. Like his biceps, his smile, and his olive-toned skin. Andi Dorfman’s Bar Exam-passing brain is being outmaneuvered by her vagina on national television. But the footage cannot lie – they do jive. Their progeny could secure the succession of the Prom Monarchy. Andi calls her connection with Josh ‘chemistry,’ but I call it an evolutionary instinct to keep Hot DNA™ pure so the rest of us uggos STOP PEEING IN THE GENE POOL.

Even though Nick is an affable Wisconsinite, he’s been spun as a bit of a villain by the editors. But the Basics of Twitter are EATING. IT. UP. As soon as Nick pops up onscreen, Megyns and Taylors and Brittas have simultaneous, synchronized eMeltdowns. UGH DIE NICK WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE, they tweet in perfect unison, because IM SORRY BUT ANDI IS SO DUMB IF SHE DOESN’T PICK CHRIS and also NICK IS NOT CUTE I DON’T EVEN GET WHAT ANDI SEES IN HIM <emoji of knife, knife, knife, knife.>

sorry, internet h8ers
sorry, internet h8ers

But their protests can’t stop Nick from taking Andi on a one-on-one to a postcard-worthy private beach!!! Nick spends the whole date WANTING to tell Andi that he loves her but HE CAN’T because IT IS SO SCARY. So, naturally, he puts his feelings into a children’s book. It tells the story of Prince Nick and Princess Andi going on a love journey to The Kingdom of Italy and The Land of Wisconsin before joining the subjects of their empires by BANGING IN THE FANTASY SUITE!!!!!!! Then Prince Nick and Princess Andi get married, Nick becomes King, and Andi loses all of her autonomous rights. Not because of historical accuracy, but because Nick and his 10 siblings were clearly raised to believe that God hates IUDs.

LOLOLOL JK WE’RE JUST HAVING FUN HERE :) The fairy tale mentions neither the fantasy suites, nor marriages to politically enjoin empires. Actually, I’m not sure what it said because I was so cheesed out by Nick’s gesture that I died of embarrassment so in conclusion I’M A GHOST NOW.

Josh o’Clock! They walk around a street market in Santo Domingo and Josh browses a vendor selling aphrodisiacs, like he’s never heard of alcohol before. As expected, Andi surprises Josh with a pick-up baseball game with a bunch of local kids who finally get to live their dream of meeting a retired Minor Leaguer. Josh is soooo good with props kids and Andi’s can honestly totally see him as a dad some day.

Chris is up next, and he takes Andi for a horseback ride because city life is unwelcoming and unfamiliar to him. Andi’s terrified when horse speeds to a moderate cantor, and Chris gets to be like, “it’s gonna be okay” and he’s right and it is. He also tells Andi she looks really hot on a horse, maybe because he wants to bone centaurs?

But Andi has to listen to her heart – she’s just not that into it. And besides, HE IS MARRIED TO THE FARM. She casts him off, and Chris’ Twitter fans had to leave their phones on a bed of dry rice overnight after drenching them with tears.

As members of the Church of Chris turn off their TVs to riot in the streets and chant “#ChrisForBachelor,” viewers are treated to an unnecessary rose ceremony. Because it’s not enough for Andi to just offer a rose – they also have to accept it.

For the finale, Nick and Josh will travel to the Kingdom of Georgia to meet Andi’s family. This will be a high-stakes game – and as a Georgia native, Josh has home field advantage. But if he wants to look like a good person, he’ll have to supply his own Dominican orphans.

Grade: C-


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