The Word: This viewer’s biggest WTFs of the 2013 VMAs

Now that I’ve had a full day to let the clusterf— that was this year’s VMAs sink in (and to recover from the 12-hour hangover brought on by the magnum bottle of wine required to get through the thing), I have some questions. So many questions (not the least of which is why they still carry on with this charade at all — next year let’s just have a Best Knocked Up Teen Baby Bump Awards and call it a day).

Wherefore art thou Biebs?

And here’s the first question: Where was Justin Bieber?! I can’t be the only one who thought his dopey, overly coiffed absence was conspicuous. You guys, I DO NOT THINK HE WAS INVITED. I think that Justin Bieber’s 2013 Video Music Awards invitation was “lost in the mail.”

My God, if this isn’t the swiftest fall from grace since Lindsay Lohan nosedived her career into a big pile of cocaine and regret, I don’t know what is. Wasn’t the little tyke the unofficial star of last year’s show? I repeat: I do not think that Justin Bieber was present at or even invited to this year’s VMAs.

If he was, you wouldn’t know it from MTV’s coverage of the debacle, which was apparently expressly designed to give viewers alternate play-by-plays of exactly what Will Smith’s family and Taylor Swift made of the whole thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad about this. Moderately amused, at best. But if, as I suspect (hope), the Biebs was really not at the VMAs, I wonder what he spent Sunday night doing instead. I personally like to imagine that he watched an edited tape of the show his camp had doctored to feature clips of his old performances, in his coziest underoos from atop a throne made of Twizzlers and soiled tube socks. But that’s my issue.

‘NSYNC reu…oh.

I suspect that I’m not of the popular opinion here, but WTF was up with that “reunion?” That was not a reunion, that was a travesty.

I cried into my giant goblet of merlot a little bit, thinking about Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone trying on their suits in the semi-wide trailer they now share, practicing the old dance moves and regaling each other with stories of how bright the future is looking now that the old gang is getting back together. So bright they’ll need shades, I bet they said, chuckling.

And then… that “reunion” happened. Timberlake let them out of their crates for, what, maybe 30 seconds? Just enough time for JC to sneak in a warbly “ohhh baby” for old time’s sake, before those poor suckers were ushered offstage and back into obscurity so Justin could get back to work forgetting they existed. For chrissakes, at least Beyonce let Michelle and Kelly sing a whole song before she shut them down again.

And then, later, there’s Timberlake accepting his big shiny award “on behalf of all of them.” Gesturing vaguely off stage, where the four of them were being stripped of their rented suits or whatever while the valet handed them back the keys to their used Kias. Waxing on about he couldn’t have done it without them, when we all know what he really meant was that he could not have continued to do it with them. Oh man, I’m sort of crying right now.

T. Swift throws major shade

I really don’t want to give Taylor Swift any more press than she’s already gobbling up (though she does need the sustenance, sister is skiiiiinny) but deference must be paid to the best moment caught on camera at the 2013 VMAs. And that includes Drake desperately trying to mentally transport himself somewhere else — anywhere else — during Miley’s twerk-pocalypse AND the Smith family’s communal reaction to, well, everything.

I’m talking about Tay Sway not-so-discreetly telling ex-boyfriend and current male pop tart du jour Harry Styles to kindly STFU, of course.

You’ve all seen it by now (and if you haven’t I suggest you stop reading this and go Google it. Or look at that big GIF up at the top of this post). While Styles yaps on about Yeezus-knows-what (JK, I doubt he was listening either), Swift turns to Selena Gomez (I think. All these kids look the same to me) and says what cannot be lip read as anything but “shut the f— up.”

I never thought the day would come that I would agree with anything that fell from the mouth of this particular babe so, you know, that was a thing.

But, srsly, who invited Kevin Hart?

More specifically, why do people continue to invite Kevin Hart to anything, or perpetuate the ill-advised myth that this man is a comedian?

Kevin Hart is not funny. A grown man screaming vaguely offensive strings of words that are definitely not jokes into a vacuum of mild horror and not-so-mild awkward silence isn’t funny. It’s awkward.

I’m going to go on record and say that Kevin Hart’s inclusion in any big event is a bigger buzzkill than your mom popping into your bedroom mid-coitus and offering up her personal stash of sex toys and instructional video tapes. Comedically speaking.

At one point I think he said something about putting his face near Gaga’s butt? I’m not sure because I was too busy humming “We Can’t Stop” as loud as I could and wishing for death.

Let’s stop having Kevin Hart do things, is my point.



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
National

Beer sponsor Anheuser-Busch reproaches NFL over domestic abuse

Anheuser-Busch chastised the NFL for its handling of domestic violence cases, making it the first major advertiser to put pressure on the league.

Local

Sen. Krueger dishes on prospect of legal marijuana…

New Yorkers may see the legalization of recreational marijuana use as early as 2015 if State Senator Liz Krueger (D) gets her way. The Marijuana Regulation and Taxation Act will…

Local

New York City agencies to provide healthcare, legal…

Child migrants who have recently arrived in New York City and are going through deportation hearings will now have access to services from multiple agencies,…

International

Hurricane Odile batters Mexico's Baja resorts, sparks looting

Hurricane Odile injured dozens of people, forced the evacuation of thousands and smashed shops open to looters in the popular tourist area of Baja, Mexico.

Music

FREEMAN makes Freeman a free man from Ween

For nearly 30 years, Aaron Freeman was known endearingly to his listeners as Gene Ween. But with "FREEMAN," he makes it clear that he's gone somewhere else.

Television

'Outlander' recap: Season 1, Episode 6: 'The Garrison…

Whipping, punching, kicking and a marriage contract. "Outlander" is not for the faint of heart this week with "The Garrison Commander."

The Word

The Word: Hey girl, it's a girl for…

It's a girl for Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, who reportedly welcomed a daughter last Friday, according to Us Weekly. The super-private couple managed to…

Television

TV watch list, Tuesday, Sept. 16: 'New Girl,'…

Check out the season premiere of "New Girl," as Jess competes with Jessica Biel for a guy's attentions.

MLB

5 top contenders for NL Rookie of the…

The outing rekindled award talk for deGrom, who appears to hold the top spot for NL Rookie of the Year honors. Metro breaks down a few other contenders.

College

College football Top 25 poll (AP rankings)

College football Top 25 poll (AP rankings)

NFL

Tom Coughlin says Giants 'beat themselves' against Cardinals

Head coach Tom Coughlin, who had a day to cool off and reflect, still sounded like he had a gnawing feeling in his gut.

NFL

Marty Mornhinweg accepts blame for Jets timeout fiasco

Jets fans looking for a scapegoat for Sunday’s timeout fiasco found a willing party on Monday: Marty Mornhinweg.

Style

Rachel Zoe: New York Fashion Week Spring 15

Rachel Zoe goes 'Glam bohemia' for Spring.

Food

Where to find SweeTango apples

Introduced in 2009, SweeTango — a hybrid of Honeycrisp and Zestar — is a sweet apple with plenty of crunch.

Style

London Fashion Week recap

London Fashion week gets in on the action with politics, heritage and summertime living.

Food

Padma Lakshmi's recipe for green mango curry

Padma Lakshmi shares her recipe for green mango curry in UNICEF's new book, "UNICHEF."