Lessons from divorcees

Dana Adam Shapiro penned the divorcee manifesto.

The Dana Adam Shapiro of a few years ago would not have ordered a steak while out on a first date with a vegetarian. But after spending years interviewing divorcees for his new book “You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married” (on sale Sept. 4), the Shapiro who ordered the juicy slab of meat was a changed man.

“That was a very tangible effect of the book,” he admits. “So much of the dating process is theatrical. … You’re sort of auditioning, and when you’re doing so you’re not really being yourself. … The inevitability is that your real self is going to come through, so you better do it sooner rather than later.”

This is just one of the lessons the author took away in the writing of his book. He interviewed dozens of anonymous divorcees who offered unvarnished accounts of their own heartbreak. From there, he extracted a few near-universal truths that he offers to Metro readers:

1. Cheating happens because of complacency: “[Divorce happens when] people aren’t putting that effort in any more,” Shapiro observes. “That’s probably the worst thing you can do. You really do just have to re-earn it all the time.”

2. We often expect problems to solve themselves: “One woman said to me, ‘A man marries a woman hoping that she won’t change and a woman marries a man hoping he will change and he doesn’t,’” Shapiro says. “We bury a lot of the problems in the hopes that they’ll just get better.”

3. There is such a thing as compromising too much: “I think a lot of people try to be the ideal spouse, but sometimes it’s at their own expense,” he adds. “You wake up 10 years later thinking, ‘I’m not me anymore.’”



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Mayor announces public housing improvements

Mayor Bill de Blasio spoke at the Lincoln Houses in East Harlem on Wednesday, calling for the scaffolding to come down at NYCHA complexes across…

National

Peter Theo Curtis: American released by Syrian militants…

An American writer freed this week from two years in the captivity of insurgents in Syria spoke briefly outside his family's Cambridge home Wednesday of…

Local

Bratton defends 'broken windows' work as NYPD support…

Sixty percent of those polled said they support the "broken windows" theory approach popularized by Commissioner Bratton since his first term in the 1990s.

Local

Transit changes for Labor Day weekend

The MTA is adding additional service Friday for New Yorkers getting out of the city for the long weekend. On Friday, Aug. 29, 27 additional…

Television

'So You Think You Can Dance' recap: Season…

Season 11’s top four dancers gave their final performances before America’s Favorite Dancers are announced next week.

Going Out

Things to do this week in NYC, Aug.…

MUSIC The Electric Zoo Festival Aug. 29-31, 1 p.m. Randall’s Island Park $99-$369, www.electriczoofestival.com The electronic music celebration returns for a fifth year, with 150,000 attendees…

Going Out

5 things to do this weekend in NYC

The Electric Zoo Festival Aug. 29-31, 1 p.m. Randall’s Island Park $99-$369, www.electriczoofestival.com The electronic music celebration returns for a fifth year, with 150,000 attendees expected. David Guetta,…

Music

The Handsome Family on 'True Detective' Emmy and…

When asked to describe The Handsome Family’s latest album, Rennie Sparks channels Rust Cohle of “True Detective.” “A strange problem that humans have is that…

NFL

Mario Manningham on the bubble as Giants play…

Former Super Bowl hero Mario Manningham hopes his second go-around with Big Blue doesn’t end with Saturday’s final cut day.

NFL

Source: Stephen Hill 'faces a battle' to make…

A team source says Stephen Hill, who has battled injuries and poor performances during his first two years, is no lock to make the Jets’ final roster.

Sports

Serena Williams leaving legacy of talented American women…

It seems only a matter of when, not if, Serena Williams will win her 18th career grand slam championship.

College

When are 2014 college football playoffs? (Schedule, date,…

When and where are 2014 college football playoffs? A look at the schedule, date, TV, time for the semi-finals at championship game.

Food

Recipe: Samuel Adams beer-marinated grilled shrimp

Summer calls for two things: a cold beer and light food. Sam Adams' Latitude 48 IPA fairly bursts with citrus notes, making it an ideal marinade…

Wellbeing

Heart trumps brain when it comes to movies…

When you need a good cry, do you reach for the movie that’s “based on a true story”? Science says you’re giving your brain far…

Sex

The 10 types of people you meet online

Does it ever seem like online dating profiles tend to get a little repetitive? It turns out you are not the only one to have…

Home

Labor Day essentials

Whether you’re soaking up the sun on the beach or barbecuing in the park here are some must-haves for your end-of-summer bash.