‘Scandal’ recap: Season 3, Episode 15, ‘Mama Said Knock You Out’

Only one of them boinks the First Lady. CREDIT: ABC
Only one of them boinks the First Lady.

The first lady is drunk, the assassins are in love, and, whoah boy, *teenagers — am I right? Let’s recap “Scandal.”

President Fitzgerald Grant (Tony Goldwyn) and first lady Mellie Grant (Bellamy Young) bring their children home to participate in a live television interview, which becomes a problem because their kids are dicks. Actually, they’re just adolescents. Actually, that’s the same thing.

Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) gets a weird vibe, so she has her team spy on the First Children. After weeding through, one imagines, megabyte after megabyte of selfies and emojis, Huck (Guillermo Diaz) discovers that the son has an anonymous twitter account dedicated to maligning the President. Also, he was planning to wear, on live television, a campaign T-shirt supporting Fitz’s opponent, Reston.

Basically, they hate their dad because he cheated on their mom. But then the daughter walks in on their mom cheating on their dad. And she’s all, “Ew, you were on your knees with Uncle Andrew,” which sounds like a lyric from a Pink Floyd song (if Pink Floyd lyrics were written by teenagers who were written by screenwriters, which actually might have been the case).

Taking out the trash

Meanwhile, Charlie and Quinn Perkins (Katie Lowes) have a lovers’ spat in front of a stranger, which is embarrassing. Sure, the stranger is currently being tortured by them, but still, I bet he’s like, “TMI! Get a room! And leave me alone in this one?” They’re bickering because Charlie doesn’t believe Quinn told him everything about her encounter with Huck (last episode), which is true (they hate-made-out), but seriously, talk about it later when you’re not covered in terrorist blood.

Apparently, everyone wants to talk to this guy, Dimitri, including Mama Pope and Adnan, who remain far too attractive to succeed in terrorism, which must have some kind of glass ceiling. And anyway, Adnan appears to have cold feet, because Mama Pope is seriously scary, really breaking all kinds of ground for lady violent criminals of the future.

So Adnan flees to Pope and Associates, where she offers to trade everything she knows for immunity. But then, when everyone else leaves the office, she seduces Harrison, drugs him, and returns to her terrorist meeting with all of Olivia’s files about Fitz’s campaign trail, and it’s security detail, which she gives to Dimitri’s boss, Ivan. But wait! B613 Command Jake Ballard (Scott Foley) is watching the whole meeting (Quinn and Charlie persuaded Dimitri to talk). But wait! He doesn’t arrest or kill them, and instead says, “Let’s see how this plays out.” How did he know that’s what I was thinking too?

Pardon the interruption

The interview with the first family is happening in an hour, and the president just found out his wife is boinking his running mate. First things first: find Andrew; punch him. Then, yell at Mellie forever. For, I don’t know, a minute? It felt like forever. Turns out they had been celibate for 10 years before *he cheated, because Mellie said she couldn’t have sex anymore after giving birth. We should probably be concerned that the president of the United States believes this is how vaginas work. She was lying — the real reason she couldn’t be touched is because his father raped her. And at the end of all of his yelling, she is just about to (finally) reveal the incident, when Liv walks in, and Mellie runs away.

What else? When Cyrus Beene (Jeff Perry) hears Jake in the President’s office, he tries to smash in his head, because he knows that Jake killed James, and because he wants the headline to read, “Cyrus Beene, in the oval office, with the China vase. Also, Olivia’s dad decides to help her take down B613. And Quinn made out with Huck again, but this time just to be bitchy.

Episode grade: B+

Follow Jane Borden on Twitter @JaneBorden


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