‘I Wanna Marry ‘Harry” recap: Ep 3, ‘Spotted by the ‘Paparazzi”

"Matt, 23, Not Really Prince Harry"
“Matt, 23, Not Really Prince Harry”

Several among the American contestants are now referring to their mystery suitor — random British guy Matt Hicks — as “Prince Harry.” They also call him “really pasty.” Here is your recap of episode 3, by way of superlatives.

• Most apt analogy: 
Meghan isn’t convinced that Sir is royal, reminding the group, at dinner, “For all we know, he could be the Pauly D of the UK.” This is wrong mostly because, for a minute, Pauly D was actually more famous than Prince Harry.
Then Kimberly replies, “But Pauly D doesn’t have Secret Service.” This is wrong mostly because we all saw Pauly D and his friends fight intruders.

• Most inaccurate question: 
Maggie — the one who’s painted as a drunk, and doesn’t do much to refute it — continues to fall for the ruse, perpetrated by the reality show’s producers, that this guy they’re calling “Sir” is in fact Lady Diana’s second son. At one point, she asks the camera, “Am I a complete idiot or is this Prince Harry?” I’m confused by the question, but I can answer this much: your two options are not mutually exclusive.

• Best editing juxtaposition: 
Matt’s narrative follows his often-expressed fear that, once the women learn he’s nobody, they’ll desert him. As he embarks on a date with Kimberly, he says, “I’m hoping I can be myself and not have to put on too much of a show.” By the end of his voiceover, the camera has cut to a shot of an enormous Union Jack–designed hot-air balloon waiting for them. Good luck, normal guy.

• Most naïve declarative:
On sight of the balloon, Kimberly exclaims that men never plan thoughtful things for her, saying, ”This is by far the nicest thing a guy has ever done, gone out of his way for me.” She’s not convinced this guy is the Prince of Wales. But she’s certain the producers aren’t orchestrating the “dates.”

• Biggest irony:
Later, at the palace, during a raucous pool party, the women grind their butts against the package of a man many believe to be a Prince. I think viewers are meant to feel shocked the girls would be so forward, under the potentially-royal circumstances. But in fact, the real, corresponding royal package has touched many more butts, global butts shaking at parties around the world. The fact that “Sir” hadn’t heard the word twerk before should’ve been a giveaway.

• Best Oscar speech:
When Karina is chosen to “join Sir in the hot tub”, the other women clap, and she stands, joyously overwhelmed, her faux-humble face suggestive of the great honor.

• Clearest reveal of what’s actually fake:
Sir/Matt asks the women about their past dating lives, and believes, when they say not much, that their guards are simply up. But of course they have no serious relationship experience! They’re 21 (basically). I’d have an easier time believing Matt uses a golden chamberpot, than falling for the suggestion that anyone seeks love.

• Most audacious assumption we’re idiots: 
At one point, by the pool, drunk Maggie yell/expresses her jealousy at Meghan. In the first clip of her tirade, Jacqueline sits to Maggie’s left. In the next shot, Jacqueline is gone. But, lo, as Maggie shouts, the fickle Jacqueline ghost returns…only to disperse once more. It’s like being slapped with folded sheets of “What’s Different in These Photo?” pages.

• Best example of the Queen’s English: 
Sadly the women were not sat to tea this week, so I couldn’t watch them fumble with, and eventually give the bird to, whatever proper, mannered wisdoms they were suddenly expected to know. In fact, this week’s mannerisms were all American. When “Sir” finally “upgrades” Karina to the Crown Suite — after a long, tension-building and opaque preamble — she exhales slowly, “You’re trick-eeee-uhh,” adding syllables to words in a way only US girls can. Hell, we’ll even draw out this show for three months.

• Truest love in the castle: 
One of Kimberly’s duties, as last week’s recipient of the Crown Suite, is to hand it off to the next guest. When Karina opens the door, Kimberly screams in excitement, at the sight of her friend, runs, and leap-hugs her so hard they both fall on the bed and roll around. I am as shocked as you that this feels sincere. I’m gladly pulling for Kimberly — even though I know the producers want me to.

• Strongest suggestion that Kingsley will be the actual royal: 
The amount of space between his eyes and his eyebrows, when he raises them — that only develops after years of stretching out the skin with expressions of shock.

• Best moment, period:
The shot of Kingsley, in a bowler hat, eyes cast buttward, remarking, ”Twerking. Jolly good. Shouldn’t be legal.”


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