‘I Wanna Marry ‘Harry” recap: Ep 4, ‘My ‘Brother’ William’

"Matt, 23, Not Really Prince Harry"
“Matt, 23, Not Really Prince Harry”

Those who disagree with the “Prince” lose their heads. Those who play footsie with him in a hot tub get “eye-hump”ed. Here’s your recap.

Sneakiest moves:
In their continuing efforts to convince the girls that Matt, an average guy from the UK, is Prince Harry, an average royal from Buckingham Palace, the producers employ two schemes. They photoshopped Matt’s face onto a picture of Harry with William on the polo field. You recognize the famous shot from tabloids — presumably Harry subscribes to US Weekly and clips photos for his mantle. Producers also planted a couple of screaming fans on a bridge, who shouted down at “Harry” as he and Karina motorboated by underneath — only two girls, and just randomly hanging out on an otherwise completely deserted bridge.

Clearest sign the girls are fed their lines: 
Rose says, “If it’s really Prince Harry, I will feel like the biggest dingdong that I didn’t know.” Later, Maggie says, “I feel like a big dingdong.” And last week, someone also used the word dingdong. It is an accurate descriptor — which means the only way they’d have all uttered it independently is if they weren’t dingdongs.

Most desperate princess: 
Kelley “mucks” the stables (removes the horse poop) with the sort of dedication and charisma otherwise saved for Habitat for Humanity. Because she’s decided “Sir” will want his lady to do this — will expect his princess to literally shovel shit — she says, “If we show him we can do this, he’ll like us more.” Oh, honey, please: He doesn’t expect you to do that; he wants a woman who can wash his vomit out of nightclub bathroom stalls.

Toughest toll of competition: 
Chelsea rows with the other girls at lunch one day, finally saying in frustration, “If you guys don’t shut the fuck up…” That’s when Anna Lisa, who’d previously had no trouble understanding the other girls, suddenly asks, “Excuse me? Excuse me? I’m sorry, I need to what?” The stress of the show must be affecting her hearing. She’s so concerned about it, she actually sounded angry.

Most poetic description of love:
Matt explains his relationship with Karina as an, “automatic chemistry physical connection — like a fiery bang bang, like sort of in-your-face I-am-attracted-to-you you-are-attracted-to-me sort of feeling.” I think that’s iambic pentameter.

Most willing citizen of a police state:
At dinner, Jacqueline says, “He’s watching us, the way we interact with each other, how we behave. He has an eye on us: like how we talk, the way we talk, the way we sit, the way we stand, the way we dance or don’t dance. He’s watching.” And she’s into it. So is Meghan: when she catches Sir staring at her in the hot tub, she deduces she’s his favorite “babe” on account of the “eye humping,” which sounds like a form of torture too extreme even for “1984″.

Best casting: 
In addition to resembling Prince Harry, Matt also betrays an inmate understanding of American reality television, when he prefaces his reluctance to know Karina better by saying, “Lying to someone you don’t know is okay.”

Biggest lie: 
It’s not Sir saying he’s Prince Harry. Neither is the biggest lie that Chelsea says she’s leaving because the girls are mean (as opposed to this being in her contract from day one, according to a source inside my own suspicion). No, the biggest lie is told by Maggie, who responds to Anna Lisa’s desire to learn the size of Sir’s package, by announcing, ”Yeah, because if it’s little, I’m out.”

Worst guard at Buckingham palace: 
During a hot tub party, Sir and the girls play Truth or Dare, which leads Rose to do the “chicken dance” in front of / at / on one of the security guards, who keeps a straight face for most of it but finally cracks a smile and turns around.

Saddest moment: 
When Kingsley calls Kelley’s name, to have a chat with Sir on elimination night, she immediately starts crying. When he joins her outside, she greets him by saying, “Please don’t tell me I’m going home.” And he doesn’t; he invites her to stay in the Crown Suite. The girls hear the news and put her on their shoulders. Maggie says, “This is the best time of Kelley’s life.” And she’s right.

Most Machiavellian move: 
Anna Lisa voices her disbelief that Sir is Harry, and later probes him for answers. After asking her to leave, Matt explains that he didn’t feel Anna Lisa “was completely genuine.” But clearly she got whacked for knowing too much.

Strongest sign that Kingsley will wind up being the real royal:
When announcing the two women who meet with Sir on each elimination night, he pauses first and reads their names from a pocket notebook. Only royalty can be so utterly unable to remember commoners.


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