‘Bachelorette’ recap: Episode 7, ‘Belgium’

Andi cut the fat down to her Final Four during this six-on-one Belgian getaway. Did the setting have anything to do with today’s U.S.A. World Cup game in Belgium? After all, ESPN and ABC are both huddled under Disney’s evil capitalist umbrella. Did they know how the matches would shake out during filming, or was it just a coincidence? (I’m honestly asking; I have no idea how soccer or reality TV work.) Whatever, only Beyonce knows for sure.

Their baby would have the shiniest hair and no soul
Their baby would have the shiniest hair and no soul

Also, I’m not watching this show for the right reasons, but are lavish European getaways really the best way to find love? Set me up with comped plane tickets, luxury hotels and romantic dinners in Medieval castles ,and I could fall in love with a Xeroxed copy of the Supreme Court’s majority decision in the Hobby Lobby case. But that doesn’t mean we could spend the winter together torrenting “Breaking Bad” in a crappy Brooklyn apartment.

So Marcus got tapped for the first one-on-one, which doesn’t even come with an automatic rose this week because CHAMPIONS DON’T NEED SAFETY NETS. The best thing about Marcus’ personality is that he looks nice in that blue sweater. He did confess that he might be falling in love with Andi. “It’s what you dream of as a woman,” remarked the impeccably coiffed Juris Doctor. Oh, Dull-But-Technically-Handsome-And-Fair-Featured Marcus. He gives off a distinct “Liesel’s crappy boyfriend from ‘The Sound of Music’” vibe. Like he’s always one sexist duet away from selling out your dad to the Nazis.

Onwards! The show’s editors have been bending over backwards to make Nick-as-a-villain happen, but I’m not buying it. He’s getting mega-heat for doing things that would be totally reasonable in real life, like saying that group dates feel weird. Or having a good feeling about his chemistry with Andi. Competitive dating is not a gentleman’s game.

So Nick went big! He asked the concierge for an extra key to HIS WIFE, ANDI DORFMAN’s room to pay her a late visit. The concierge bit was clearly pre-planned to establish narrative tension, since any dum-dum can knock on a door instead of letting themselves in with a key. But the tellest-tale red flag of BS came from Andi herself, who answered Nick’s late-night keyless knock still done up in the same dress, earrings, hair and makeup she’d worn to the cocktail party. YOUR BLUFF, DORFMAN: I’M CALLING IT. Because as any woman knows, five seconds after you get home from a party, you ditch the fancy garb for smelly sweatpants and scroll through Twitter in bed. (That is, unless you know a camera crew is afoot.)

The rule-bending move pays off, and Andi joins Nick for a kissy walk under the stars. Andi has words for viewers wringing their hands over the utter collapse of order that Nick’s foul sneaking could precedent: “This is Week Seven. Go for it.” Go for it, indeed.

The next one-on-one date goes to Josh, who hotly escorts Andi around the City of Ghent. They went to some old church and lit candles, which Josh probably could have done using only the radiance of his smile. You can practically count the individual fibers in his muscles through his crew tee. Then they grab chow in some old castle and Josh says, “I’m falling in love with you and I love the way it feels,” and then there is REVELATORY MUSIC. Then they start kissing in some dim sexy nook, while being silhouetted in a blue fog. Where did that even come from? I guess it’s some kind of castle smoke?! Either way, it would make a sick gypsy music video.

I guess I should take a moment to say that I follow #TheBachelorette on Twitter during the show, and ABC’s official @BacheloretteABC account is basic as helllllllll, y’all. (How basic??? If it were a dorm room poster, it would be the one of James Dean with the “dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today” quote on it. BAY-SIC.) Like, what is the psychology behind faving a tweet like “Rose ceremonies keep getting harder and harder ☹ #TheBachelorette”!? Anyway, some summer intern also makes these dopey memes and people LOSE THEIR MINDS over them. Look at this baloney:

this isn't even a distinctive quote, you dingleberries
this isn’t even a distinctive quote, you dingleberries

Why????!!! WHITHER, WHENCE AND FOR WHOM??!?!! 181 retweets. LOLOL DOES IT EVEN BUG YOU GUYS THAT OUR SUPREME COURT RULED AGAINST WOMEN’S PERSONHOOD, YESTERDAY???!!

Anyway, if I were Andi, I’d have made the most of my time in Ghent by dragging Josh to visit the site of the signing of the 1814 Treaty of Ghent, the peace agreement between the U.S. and Great Britain that ended the War of 1812. HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHA HA HA HA Just kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not worthy of love.

Dum de dum, Andi rides with Chris, Brian, Nick and Dylan on a weird group rickshaw to a chill monastery that forbids smooching, lest they should skeeve out the monks. There is some pottery studio on the premises and Andi does “Ghost” with Farmer Chris, whose agriculturally battered hands will NEVER be too rough for art. (Full disclosure: I know nothing about “Ghost” except for the pottery wheel scene and that boner-popping slow song.) Oh, and  those “I’VVVVVE HUNNNNGERRRREDDDD FORRRRR YOURRRRR TOUCHHHH” lyrics are supposedly about necrophilia? Sure.

Andi still has four hometown date roses to dole out!!! She displays one on the table during the group date to keep them on their best behavior, which is the same rationale behind public executions.

Nick Hate reaches a fever pitch when the guys call him a “snake” for strategizing (and maybe also eating mice.) Chris leads the chorus, he being moved by a sacred and deeply-held notion of FARM JUSTICE. I’m still unclear on what Nick’s doing wrong, or whether snakes are even good at plotting strategy, but Twitter disagrees. HE IS A VILE SLIME BALL, cries Twitter, in unision. I DON’T REALLY MIND HIM HE SEEMS FINE, say I. C’mon, he’s from Wisconsin. Everyone’s so nice in Wisconsin.

Sorry, h8ers, but Nick nabs a hometown date rose anyway. As does Josh, Chris and Marcus. Buh-bye, Dylan and Brian. UGH YOU CUT DYLAN AND BRIAN BUT NOT NICK???? WHY ☹ ☹☹☹” bellowed Twitter (except, unlike me, they actually knew how to punctuate their grief with a crying emoji.)

Give the guy a break! He’s not the real enemy. Let’s focus our emoticons on the REAL enemy: the ABC executive who green lit the decision to stretch this show into a two-hour time slot.

Grade: D+



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