‘Pretty Little Liars’ recap: Season 5, Episode 9, ‘March of Crimes’

LUCY HALE, SHAY MITCHELL, ASHLEY BENSON, TROIAN BELLISARIO

For every answer, we get another question. So we do the recaps that way, too. Here’s your weekly Q&A.

Spencer’s eye is still a wreck from the stable incident, so sees an ophthalmologist (pun intended), who administers drops that make her vision blur to the point she can’t even see the names Gina and Kristine T. on her recent-calls list.
Q: who the hell are they?
A: no idea, but I think it’s less believable that Spencer knows more than one Kristine with a K. The point is she can’t see, so when Jenna enters with another brunette in dark glasses, Spencer thinks she has a twin.
Q: and since they’re twins, when one went blind, they both did?
A: no, the twin is just Sidney. Emily busts them and explodes in anger, but Jenna says Ali is the one they need to be scared of. Then Spencer notices that the letters on the eye chart have been rearranged to spell “CAN UCME YET A”, which is pretty creepy–
Q: not really — what’s an Ucme?
A: no, as in “you see me”.
Q: wait, so Spencer can see?
A: good point. Maybe she just doesn’t want to call Kristine T. back.

Ghost chairs

Emily’s biking when she hears Noel sitting in his car listening to a recording of Ali saying, “It’s too dangerous Shana”. So, later, she breaks into his locker, takes his car keys, and steals a package from the glove compartment, which also contains pictures of Ali during the time she was supposedly kidnapped. Spencer takes the package to the Lake House to hide it, but then there’s a ghost chair.
Q: are you talking about Caleb again? You’re obsessed with this theory he’s dead.
A: he is!! But here I’m saying that someone is hiding under a sheet on a chair in the Lake House, and apparently can’t sit still. Spencer notices, grabs a fire poker, and then–
Q: approaches the chair to rip off the sheet?
A: you’re really cynical tonight. And also correct. My husband had been pretending not to watch, and then suddenly shouted, “Don’t get that close to him!”
Q: so it’s Noel?
A: yep. He says the pictures and recording are “insurance” in case Ali turns on him. Shana gave them to Jenna, and Ali made Noel steal them from Jenna’s house; he left moments before it blew up and fears the explosion was actually meant for him. So he’s scared. He grabs for the package, but Spencer slices his hand, and he runs away.
Q: wait, when Emily eavesdropped, was it blazing hot?
A: no, Emily had on a jacket.
Q: then why was Noel’s window down?
A: good point. Maybe he wanted Emily to overhear him and steal the envelope.

Strong-jawed poo

Q: let me start this one off: Hanna’s still drunk?
A: dazedly-ambling-down-school-hallways drunk. Caleb pushes her to explain what’s going on, and she finally spills that Zack hit on her and no one believes her. Naturally, Caleb goes to the Brew and punches Zack, then comes home to Hanna, puts ice on his hand, and explains that the piece of crap has a strong jaw. Meanwhile, Aria has a change of heart about Hanna’s confession and tells her mom, who says this isn’t the first time Zack has sleazed. Wedding off. Then Aria visits Hanna to apologize, saying, “It’s not that I didn’t believe you, it’s that I wanted to believe something else more.”
Q: like when you think you’re actually a size 6 just because the sizes on one brand you own skew bigger?
A: yep.

Fake Kidnapper

Ali’s still staying with Mrs. Marin, who’s still totally freaked out by the knife-wielding intruder she doesn’t know was really just Noel.
Q: so did she hire 24-hour guards or at least install some kind of elaborate alarm system?
A: nah. But she does receive a call on her cell phone from “Rosewood Police”…
Q: [silence]
A: so now is when you’re willing to suspend your disbelief?
Q: wouldn’t you have “Rosewood Police” saved in your phone if you’d been banging a cop?
A: good point. Anyway, it’s Lieutenant Tanner calling Ali down to the station because they’ve caught the man who kidnapped her.
Q: but isn’t it a lie that Ali was kidnapped?
A: she appears to be as confused as we are. But she goes to the station and sees a young stranger–
Q: is he smoking hot?
A: obviously; he’s a new character. And he’s confessing to the crime exactly as Ali told the police it happened. Then we cut to “A” sitting in the ophthalmologist’s office listening to the recording Ali made of her police statement.

What else? Emily is the new Assistant Coach and basically tells Sidney that, with her position, she plans to do to Sidney what America did to Iraq.
Q: engender a longer cycle of hatred and revenge instead of actually solving the problem?
A: now, there’s that cynicism again.



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