Three ways divorce will help Gwyneth Paltrow’s career
Somewhere along the way, people really started hating on Gwyneth Paltrow. Maybe it was her complete denial of her privilege, her constant extolling of fad diets and treatments, her emphasis on perfection. Maybe it was “Glee.” But just as everyone hates annoying celebrities who seem completely unaware of the privileged life they lead, everyone also loves a fighter. And there is no fighter in the world more relatable than a 41-year-old divorcee with two kids — no matter how skinny she is.
1. She should date likable people. A good way to seem more likable? Date likable people! Someone like Steve Carrell (who is married, but work with me here, people). She will seem more awesome — and relatable — by default. Plus, there’s nothing like tabloid dating drama to make us actually be interested in her again.
2. No more Coldplay jokes. A theory: Maybe people found Paltrow insufferable because they also found Coldplay insufferable? Now that she’s broken ranks she can become her own person. Maybe start dating a heavy metal musician for diversity.
3. Divorce weight! What if Paltrow actually let herself eat dairy and fat and went on her own calorie-laden rumspringa of different flavors of Ben & Jerry? What if she started to actually look like a real person going through a divorce? Surely we will come around then and begin to see her as a human, capable of feelings and thoughts.
Actually — nah. We’d just attack her viciously like we always do. Comme ci, comme ca.