Throughout my life I’ve given up many bad habits. Most recently I got off coffee. Letting go of coffee was not easy. In fact, strange as it may sound, it was even harder than when I got sober eight years ago and gave up drugs and alcohol. Caffeine was my last drug, and because it wasn’t killing me I continued to give myself permission to drink it.

One of the main reasons we stay stuck in habits we know don’t serve us is because of our permission-giving thoughts, such as “One cup of coffee a day won’t kill me,” or, “I only drink on weekends.” These thoughts keep us convinced that there is nothing wrong with our behavior even though deep down we know it isn’t right.

In many cases we use our bad habits to avoid dealing with something much more difficult. In my case, I was using coffee as a final vice. As a sober woman I felt I deserved to have something I could turn to when I felt I needed a jolt. This habit seemed harmless, but when I got honest with myself it became clear that I was just using the coffee as another drug. Upon genuinely reviewing my behavior I came to realize that I had to stop giving myself permission to drink coffee and that it was time to change the habit.

Transitioning out of a bad habit can be really uncomfortable at first. To help you ease into the process, I’ve outlined the three steps that worked for me when I put down the coffee.

Step One: Keep it in the day

One of the main reasons we get tripped up when we try to change a habit is that we start future-tripping. For instance, when I was first letting go of coffee, I’d project onto the future with thoughts such as, “What will I do when I’m in Europe and I want a cappuccino?” What helped me most during these future flip-outs was to simply keep it in the day. I would tell myself, “I don’t need to worry about tomorrow. Today I choose not to drink coffee.” One day at a time I’ve stayed committed.

Step Two: Change your breath pattern

The moment we change our breath pattern we change our energy, thereby changing our experience. Whenever you notice yourself about to relapse into your negative behavior, take a long, deep breath. As you change your breath you change your energy. Your calm and centered energy will support you in positive behavior and stop you from indulging in your bad habit.

Step Three: Make it joyful

Letting go of a negative habit doesn’t have to be torturous. In fact, it can be joyful. To really create change we need more than just willpower: We must find the joy and curiosity in it. Letting go of a bad habit is really just creating a new habit. In that new habit you can find happiness. In my case, I chose not to dwell on the loss of coffee and instead I fell in love with organic tea and have become a tea connoisseur. When you find joy in creating a new habit you can effortlessly let go of the bad one.

If you’re ready to let go of that nasty vice, use these three steps. Keep it in the day, breathe through the transition and find joy in creating new habits.

The post How to break your bad habits appeared first on Metro.us.

The question:

“I am so tired of the city, but I have to live here because of my husband’s job. The traffic, noise and pushy people seriously stress me out. Plus it’s so expensive! My husband promises we’ll move in a few years, when he’s more established. But for now, I’m stuck. Any words of wisdom?”

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of taking a professional workshop on mindfulness interventions for stress and depression relapse prevention. Our first exercise was to explore a raisin from the perspective of what Buddhists call “Beginner’s Mind.” Our instructions: to see, taste, smell, and handle the tiny shriveled morsel as if experiencing it for the first time. Participants discovered faces in the raisin’s ridges, hidden flavors, and childlike delight in remembering its Playdough-like pliability.

Simply put, the point of the lesson was to demonstrate how otherwise familiar objects take on a whole new light when you slow down to pay closer attention to them. The same can be said of urban life. Whether you live in New York, Boston or Philadelphia, most cityslickers have mastered the art of tunnel vision to maintain sanity amid the pandemonium. But from the perspective of Beginner’s Mind, you don’t need to escape the city to find peace. In fact, all of urban life could be seen as an opportunity for mindfulness practice. Here are some examples:

1)     To practice Beginner’s Mind, walk down a block near your home or work that you don’t normally take. Find something that draws your attention – a tree, beautiful architecture, an animal, or a sidewalk flowerbed. Using as many senses as appropriate, spend five minutes watching and noticing the intricacies of this object. You might be pleasantly surprise to notice things you might have overlooked before.

2)     Frequent unexpected delays and detours on buses, trains and traffic offer an ideal opportunity to practice the mindfulness concept of Patience. Next time you’re stopped on the Express train while several Local trains breeze past, take several deep breaths, and gently remind yourself, “I am practicing patience.” You might also simultaneously practice “Beginner’s Mind” as you study the faces of fellow passengers and see how many soften when you smile.

3)     Unexplained, prolonged delays on trains and buses when you’re running late for an appointment, no one explains the problem, and you have to go to the bathroom, are stellar opportunities to practice Patience, Trust that your colleagues will understand, and Letting Go of circumstances beyond your control (but not your bladder). Take deep breathes and feel your feet on the ground. Simultaneously, you might also simultaneously practice Non-Judging. Maybe the conductor isn’t taking a nap, or consumed in a riveting game of iphone Solitaire. Perhaps he or she has laryngitis, ran to the bathroom, or hasn’t been notified by headquarters. Again, take several deep breaths.

4)     Circling around six times for a parking spot on the Upper West Side on a Sunday night is an opportunity to practice Trust that someone will eventually pull out just as your pulling up, and Letting Go when you realize you have to throw the car in a lot.

5)     Next time you feel you’re not doing enough, seeing enough, reading enough, and being enough, practice the art of Non-Striving. While antithetical to most cosmopolitans, non-striving means that you don’t need to do anything – just allow yourself to be. Embrace the perfection of imperfection. Also resist the desire to strive towards Non-Striving (New Yorkers, this means you!)

6)     We practice Acceptance when we see things just as they are. We accept that we got a parking ticket as the price of having a car in the city. We practice Non-Judging by forgiving ourselves for forgetting that Tuesday is street cleaning. And we accept that sometimes we have to live in over-priced, over-crowded cities because our loved ones are employed here.

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Comparing is a nasty habit. When we compare ourselves to others we get hooked into the belief that we’re better than or less than someone else. Comparing creates animosity, resentment, jealousy and competition. Living with this attitude can be very detrimental to your happiness and overall sense of peace. How can you be peaceful when you’re constantly comparing yourself?

Underneath the desire to compare is a deep rooted sense that we are not enough. When we feel an unconscious sense of lack then we project that lack onto others so we won’t feel so badly about ourselves. It’s a vicious cycle. For instance, maybe you’ve been single for a while and you often compare yourself to other people who are in relationships. This act of comparing sends you into a tizzy reiterating all that you don’t have and it makes you feel worse about yourself. Or maybe you’re someone who compares themselves to celebrities and notable figures. You always see yourself as less than and in effect you feel incomplete. Understanding this pattern is the first step towards transforming it.

Once you’re aware of your comparing habit the next step is to take action towards changing the behavior. The moment you witness yourself compare simply say, “The light I see in them is a reflection of my inner light.” Even if you don’t believe this affirmation or if you think it’s too new age-y, just try it. The action of perceiving oneness in the moment can release you of the need to compare. Even for an instant you can be set free. That is a miracle.

Let’s drive this exercise home with a little recap: Step One is to witness how you compare yourself to others. Become familiar with the behavior so you can recognize it when it comes on. Then Step Two is to shift the behavior in an instant with the affirmation, “The light I see in them is a reflection of my inner light.”

Practice this tool as often as possible and pay attention to your shifts. The shifts may be subtle at first, but you’ll feel relief in an instant. Set yourself free from the comparison cycle and be at peace with who you are.

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A little distance might help you view your problems in a new light.
Credit: Goodshoot

The question:
“I’ve been searching for a job for 5 months now and I’m getting discouraged. I’ve done all the right things – networking, consulting a career counselor, etc. – and still nothing has worked out. Friends tell me I shouldn’t stress- I’m young and it’s just a matter of time. But I’m seriously beginning to worry. How do I hold on to hope when nothing seems to be panning out?”

Every life is an unfolding story with bright spots, low points, and plot twists. When people lose hope, it is usually because they mistake one or more difficult chapters in their lives for the entire plotline, and overlook important life lessons that such chapters have to offer.
Take the 2006 Blockbuster, “The Pursuit of Happyness.” The true rags-to-riches film chronicles exactly 28 chapters in the life of Chris Gardener, a suddenly single father who battles homelessness and ridiculous odds to earn a coveted entry-level position at a major San Francisco brokerage firm. The genius of this film is that 27 of the chapters, wrapped into gritty little headings like “Locked Out,” “Being Stupid,” and “Riding the Bus,” are about the “Pursuit” part of the equation. Only the last chapter, as the narrator points out, is entitled “Happiness.”
If Mr. Gardener had gotten stuck in one of these chapters, misinterpreting his temporary difficulties as a never-ending story of struggle and victimization, he may have failed to muster the courage and resilience to succeed. Consequently, the film might have been called “Giving Up,” and its message about the triumph of the human spirit over adversity would have been lost.
Of course, it’s so much easier to accept the meaning of difficult chapters and heart-wrenching scenes when it’s happening to someone else, and we’re virtually assured of a positive outcome (after all, the film’s title suggests a Hollywood happy ending).
But what if you could see your life as a major motion picture? Imagine that you’re the main character and the plotline is about “a talented young professional battling unemployment.” Ask yourself, “What is this chapter about?” Give it a name, and see if you can write a paragraph summary in the third person voice, as if you were a movie critic giving a positive review. While this may seem counterintuitive, psychological studies show that people are more likely to view their lives favorably at a distance, than up close.
Conflicts in novels and films shape the plot and move the story forward, presenting the main character with opportunities to overcome inner obstacles, potentially leading to epiphanies, life lessons, and psychological rebirth. After writing the summary, ask yourself, “What life lessons can this character learn from this time? Who are his supporting characters and how can they help him? What tools does he need to move to the next chapter? Where has he found hope in the past and how might he find it now?”
Times are tough, and crystal balls break. But once you have identified the chapters and deciphered its meaning, you may find it easier to weave the fragments of your life into a meaningful narrative that values the subtle, often unrecognized personal victories that build character – facing a fear, changing an attitude, or building endurance. This new awareness can help you write new scripts for old stories while embracing life’s inevitable trials and tribulations as purposeful experiences that won’t last forever.

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The question
I’m 45 and I’m going through a difficult period in my life now. I’m having trouble controlling my adult daughter and dealing with aging parents, and I feel like I’m making my husband unhappy. I’m so stressed out.Whatever I do seems wrong. Any suggestions?

There’s a name for people who are excessively preoccupied with the needs of others at the expense of their own. It’s called “codependent.” Codependency is often characterized by low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies, emotional reactivity, excessive guilt, feelings of over-responsibility and a desire to fix and control others.

If you are codependent, you’re in good company — many people demonstrate some degree of codependency, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, which many people do. The good news is that codependency need not be a chronic condition. With a little awareness, you can start to develop new habits and breathe a bit easier.

Let’s start with your daughter. Unless she has substantial disabilities that prevent her from taking care of herself, she is an adult and, by definition, responsible for her own life. Whether or not you approve of her life choices, they are hers to make and learn from, even if she falls. Letting go and setting boundaries can be one of the most difficult but important acts of love a parent can do. It communicates a subtle, often unspoken trust in the adult child’s abilities to make decisions.

Regarding your parents: While it may not be easy, you’re not alone. According to recent statistics, more than 48 million Americans are currently caring for aging parents (and spending a fortune in the process). And yes, it is stressful. If you are feeling overly responsible, try to share responsibilities with other family members and utilize community resources whenever possible. I suggest visiting the Administration on Aging’s website (www.aoa.gov) for information about services in your area.

Relationships with significant others (like your husband) is where codependency can be most insidious. There isn’t enough space in my column to do this justice so I’ll try to summarize. We are responsible for our own feelings. No one can strong-arm you into feeling joy. Yes, our actions have consequences on our relationships. But how others respond to and interpret our behavior is their choice, just as how we respond to their behavior is ours.

Finally, and most importantly, is the relationship with yourself. Take time to nurture yourself and reflect on how excessive people-pleasing and care-taking deplete you. Ask yourself questions like, “What do I want?” and “How do you I feel (about such and such)?” Since self-neglecting behaviors are often rooted in our families, consulting a therapist or attending a free Codependents Anonymous (www.coda.org) meeting may be helpful.

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There are plenty of people out there who are hoping the day of hearts will bring them the gift they want most. It is a day full of wishes, red-wrapped gifts, candy hearts and — whether you like it or not — occasional disappointment.

There is so much expectation wrapped into this one special day because we attach our significant other’s love to the gift they give us. Sometimes, that all-important item you are hoping for just isn’t sitting in the tissue paper when you open the box. So if you don’t get the present you were expecting, or if you don’t like the one you got, what can you do? Most importantly, how can you get through the day feeling better and not worse about the one you love?

This one 24-hour period carries a lot of weight for couples. Some people deal with that pressure by choosing to play it down. Maybe they are a nonconformist, or feel they don’t need a holiday to show their love. If that’s the case, try to talk about it to see where your valentine is coming from so you can better understand it.

If you are given something you don’t like, thank your partner graciously but see if there is the option of taking it back. If there is, explain why you might like something else — what’s in the box is too dressy or too bright — and then invite them along to choose something else. Use it as an opportunity to teach them about your tastes. If there is no chance for a return or exchange, be receptive. If your loved one likes the gift they gave, try to be open to their taste and you might expand your own horizons.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that Valentine’s Day is to express your love, whether or not your partner’s generosity is packaged quite the way you had hoped. No matter what you receive, remember that it’s still carrying love and you will appreciate it more — and so will your Valentine.

Relationship expert Dr. Jane Greer is creator of “Shrink Wrap” – a nationaly commentary on what we can learn from celebrity relationships — and host of “Let’s Talk Sex” at Healthylife.net. Her book, “What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship,” is available nationwide.

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Enter Metro’s Justin Bieber contest, and you’ll have a chance to meet him backstage at a future show!

Alas, we weren’t so lucky. But the superstar did answer some questions about his new album, “Believe Acoustic,” via e-mail, shortly before heading out on his European tour.

Metro: On “Believe Acoustic,” you sound rawer and more available than on previous big production tracks. How do you make that intimacy sound authentic, even though you’re…Justin Bieber?

Bieber: It sounds authentic because it is. Acoustic performances, whether busking in my hometown or on YouTube, are how I got started. Songs and performances like that really give me the chance to connect with my fans. That connection is why I perform an acoustic set as part of my Believe Tour every night.

Does this bring us closer to the “real” Justin?

I think everything I put out is a representation of the real me. But this album (Believe Acoustic) definitely allows the public to see a different side of me than “Believe.” The sound of this album is a lot rawer and more exposed.

I ask because previous stars your age—Timberlake, Britney—usually start to define their sound for an older audience around this time. Where are you going?

I’m just growing up and my sound is maturing with me. I don’t spend a lot of time planning where my music will go next. I just write about what is going on in my life and how I am feeling and it’s causing the music to grow with me in a very organic way.

Lots of guys in dorm rooms everywhere play acoustic guitars to pick up girls…and fail, because they look cheesy. What tips do you have for them?

Be confident.

What are you doing this Valentine’s Day?

I’ve got a small break before my UK tour dates start so I’m still figuring it out.

What’s the wildest offer that you’ve had from a female fan?

I get a lot of marriage proposals.

We have to ask about “Nothing Like Us,” a song about your break –up with Selena Gomez—you told Billboard you’re not in the happiest place and have friends to get you through. What have you learned about relationships?

I have learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be.

And?

I’ve also learned how to be there for someone else.

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According to Buzzfeed, the study was conducted by Andreas Baranowksi, a PhD student at Johannes Gutenberg University in Germany who was itching to get to the bottom of this age-old enigma. 17 men and 23 women went through about six hours of training on how to better pick-up potential mates by learning “evolutionary psychology principles” — what men and women find attractive about each other.

Men were told to use indirect approaches by opening a conversation with a question about something like music rather than a compliment about a woman’s appearance. They were also told to use their physical stature to indicate a high social status by making sweeping hand gestures and and touching others “non-reciprocally” (but this could get weird if you’re not good at it).

Women were told to send men clear signals that they were open to being approached, like smiling… over and over again. In fact, it could take up to 12 times for a man to finally get it (Seriously?).

Both genders were told to touch their love interest slightly in conversation. Then they were sent out to battle. Did the training pay off? Yes, both men and women actually doubled their typical success rates.

Men who usually got 1.07 phone numbers from women per hour on average were able to snag to 3.67 numbers. Women were offered drinks 3.1 times compared to their usual rate of 1.65 cocktail.

See? There is hope for you!

The post A Study Has Found: You, too, can train yourself to be a pickup artist appeared first on Metro.us.

“I don’t think anyone should take this to heart,” says co-editor Mike Sacks drolly. “It is all meant as a gag; most of the advice is not particularly good. But it’s very funny.”

And it should be. From a crotchety Louis C.K. offering guidance on whether or not to grow a mustache to Nick Hornby sharing his best song to make love to, “Care to Make Love in That Gross Little Space Between Cars?” is a compendium of the best and brightest of the comedy and writing worlds.

But Sacks says that just because someone with a famous name was asked to contribute to the collection, it doesn’t mean their submission is actually in the book. “We cut some pretty famous writers and performers,” claims Sacks, who declined to name names. “I was surprised. Many writers are great at what they do, but they can’t do this form of humor.”

One who could? Author and essayist George Saunders. “His mind is so amazing,” praises Sacks. “Just by answering a few questions, you can see why he’s so good,”?he continues. “He’s the one who came up with the title, ‘Care to Make Love in That Gross Little Space Between Cars?’ It was in one of his answers and we just used it for the title because it was so perfect.”

No cancer jokes, please

Editors Mike Sacks and Eric Spitznagel were in charge of gathering the book’s advice-seeking questions. It wasn’t easy. “It has to be a certain type of ques­tion,” claims Sacks. “It can’t be, ‘My mom just died of cancer — can you help me?’ We needed questions that weren’t too personal.” Luckily, they received plenty of contributions. “A lot of people want Zach Galifianakis or Dave Eggers to answer their ques­tions. It’s fun for them, too.”

Follow Dorothy Robinson on Twitter @DorothyatMetro

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The best advice I can give you is to think outside the box. Drop your preconceived notions and go out there with a completely open mind. Everyone typically has their “type” — whether it is tall, short, brown or blond hair, conservative or free-spirited —and thus instantly screens out people who they think aren’t it.

Instead of sticking strictly to what you know you like, be open to someone new and different and give yourself a chance to discover if, in fact, you might find something attractive or appealing in a person you previously would never have given a chance. You might even discover that you like a different “type” more. By increasing your options you will greatly increase your odds.

While doing that, look for and gravitate toward the positive energy — a nice smile, those who show they’re interested by asking questions about you, considerate behavior — rather than focusing on appearance alone.

And at least as important, keep a smile on your face. That’s a green light to starting up a conversation wherever you are — on the train, in a store, at a party. All it takes for chemistry to happen is for two people to simply click, which can begin with a few words. Take the initiative and ask questions. Show interest — and see if it is returned.

The quicker you find a common ground, the faster you are on your way to a new beginning. Welcome the unknown, and see who comes your way.

— Relationship expert Dr. Jane Greer is the creator of “Shrink Wrap” – national commentary on what we can learn from celebrity relationships – and host of “Let’s Talk Sex” at Healthylife.net. Her book, “What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship,” is available nationwide.

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages.

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Here are three ways to become a more effective leader by controlling your perceptions and becoming more self-aware.

Ask for feedback regularly
Most companies have performance reviews for employees quarterly and annually in order to identify who should be promoted, remain in their current position or be laid off. Don’t wait — you need to ask for feedback regularly from your managers so that you can correct your behavior before these reviews even take place. When you ask for feedback, you’re showing that you care and want to improve.

Develop your emotional intelligence
CareerBuilder.com reports that 71 percent of employers value emotional intelligence over IQ. There are thousands of qualified candidates, but only a few that truly fit in the corporate culture. To develop your EI, you need to learn how to manage conflicts, become a team player, listen to what other people say before speaking, lead by example and keep your emotions in check.

Be mindful of your online presence
What you publish online and how you present yourself can affect how you’re treated at work — and if you get promoted. Think twice before posting personal messages online and configure your privacy settings so that your co-workers can’t see the next party you’re planning.

– Dan Schawbel is the author of “Me 2.0,” the Managing Partner of Millennial Branding, LLC and a personal branding expert. Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. 

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It’s normal only if he works the night shift; otherwise sleeping all day could be a sign of a problem — emotionally or physically. He should discuss it with his doctor. Sleeping all day can also be a side effect of depression, in which case he should seek help as well.

I feel sad all the time. Is that normal?

No, it’s not normal. Sadness is a normal emotion; however, it’s not so normal when it is how you feel “all the time.” Seek help and try to identify the cause of the sadness. Figure out what’s missing in your life and what troubles you. Most importantly, work with someone to figure out what would make you more content in life.

I worry incessantly about body odor and bad breath. Is this normal? 

To “worry incessantly” isn’t normal. To be concerned about such health issues is. Could there be a reason to devote more concern to this issue than one should? Perhaps someone once pointed out that your odor was offensive and that comment stung. The remedy to such fears and concerns is to take action. See a dentist if you’re truly concerned about bad breath, and take measures to ensure that you smell fresh:?Use the right deodorant and soap, and practice good hygiene.  

– Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist. E-mail him your questions at jonathan@jonathanalpert.com
Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages.

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2. Research companies that can help you build your career.
Start by going on sites like Glassdoor.com and Hoovers.com or reviewing Fortune Magazine’s “100 Best Companies to Work For” list. This will give you a good idea of what companies are out there and what they offer employees in terms of work environment, benefits and salaries. Then, once you’ve narrowed your list to around five companies, jump on social networks and start engaging with employees who have positions that interest you. This way, you get a better feel for the type of people who work there and can start establishing your network.

3. Know the corporate environment before taking the job.
A job interview is not just for the employer! You should be critical of the type of companies you’re applying to. You need to feel like you fit into the corporate culture and that you can get along with people there — because you’ll be seeing them every day.

– Dan Schawbel is the author of “Me 2.0,” the Managing Partner of Millennial Branding, LLC and a personal branding expert.
Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Please send 300-word submissions to letters@metro.us.

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But he’s also a celebrity ambassador for the After-School All-Stars, a national organization focused on providing after-school and summer programs for low-income youth. I recently caught up with him.

Why did you decide to get involved with the After-School All-Stars?

Growing up in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, I’ve seen firsthand how kids can get into trouble during the hours of 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. if they are not supervised by responsible adults. I was lucky that I had a safe place to go to do my homework, play basketball and learn from caring adult mentors. I hope that my involvement will bring attention to this very important cause so that the government, companies and individuals will continue to fund after-school programs.  

How important is it to give back to those in need?

I think it’s very important for everyone to give back to their communities, especially when one is successful and able to spend the time and resources to help others.  If we each lived selfishly as individuals not caring about others, then we will not be as happy as if we live as a community that supports all its members.  

What career advice do you have for someone just starting out?

Stay determined in what you want to do in your career. Be attentive to things going on in your career path. Keep your ear to the streets, so to say. Be the boss at what you do — be in control and be the best at it.

–Dan Schawbel is the author of “Me 2.0,” the Managing Partner of Millennial Branding, LLC and a personal branding expert.

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Of course, paying attention is easiest when you’re engrossed in a task you find interesting. My mind never jumps over to an e-mail I have to answer when I’m watching “Fringe.” But the reality of work is that a lot of tasks are boring, and we have to do them well and efficiently anyway.

Fortunately, the solution is pretty simple — you just have to practice catching your mind in the act of wandering. Note how long you can generally focus before your brain decides to call it quits, and try to divide tasks into small chunks that can be accomplished in this time period. When I’m working on a book, for example, I write only three pages at a time because this task takes me roughly one hour, or the length of my own natural attention span.

If you must work on an assignment longer than your brain can tolerate, don’t chastise yourself when external thoughts start intruding. Accept a little off-task thinking, and then commit to another period of focus.

—Alexandra Levit is the author of “They Don’t Teach Corporate in College: A Twenty-Something’s Guide to the Business World” and a nationally recognized authority on workplace issues.  

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Send 400-word submissions to letters@metro.us.

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Which interview surprised you the most?

To me, maybe it was the Chuck Berry interview, only because his reputation of being cantankerous and bitter sort of precedes him. And what I met instead was actually a really funny, warm, loveable guy. Not only did I understand why he had that reputation but I also understood how he invented rock ’n’ roll, his entertainer side, just by the way he approached the interview.

How do you get people to open up?

My first interview was bad! But there have been a number of them. Since it’s for Rolling Stone and because I’ve got a lot of time with these people, I never start the interview right away. I’ll always hang out with them, observe them in their life and get them a little bit used to me before starting the tape deck.  

How has fame impacted the celebrities you’ve interviewed?

I think a lot of people think fame and wealth will solve their problems and fix what’s wrong with them. All it does is amplify what’s wrong with you, so if you’re a stable person who grew up in a good family, it strengthens your character. If you’ve got anything wrong with you, man, you’re under that microscope and all the worst stuff comes out.

–Dan Schawbel is the author of “Me 2.0,” the Managing Partner of Millennial Branding, LLC and a personal branding expert.

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And when they’re diagnosed with a long-term condition with an acronym like PSTD or ADHD or become pregnant (for example), it’s the most natural thing in the world to tell office-mates immediately.

My advice is to think twice about this. Don’t get me wrong — I’m sure your managers and co-workers care about you. But the truth is, their first priority is  the work that needs to get done; and even if you are convinced that your affliction will not affect your performance, they may begin to subconsciously doubt you as a result of receiving this extra information.

Even non-medical disclosures might undermine your reputation and cause you unnecessary headaches. For instance, a piece I wrote last year on coming out at work was much more controversial than I expected — sadly, a lot of work environments are still hostile to openly gay employees.

Bottom line: Be discreet. If your medical condition or lifestyle choice truly doesn’t impact your job, then people at work  shouldn’t need to know about it. If you must share out of necessity or because it’s causing you too much stress to maintain complete secrecy, then keep your circle of informants small and limited to people you really trust.

–Alexandra Levit is the author of “They Don’t Teach Corporate in College: A Twenty-Something’s Guide to the Business World” and a nationally recognized authority on workplace issues. 

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Send 400-word submissions to letters@metro.us.

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1. Be a die-hard fan.
If you don’t genuinely want to work at a company, your résumé will get tossed. Through body language and effort, employers can tell if you’re a serious contender. When a hundred candidates have the same hard skills, the candidate who goes the extra mile scores the job — every time.

2. Adopt new technologies early on.
One of the most important ways to get ahead in this economy is to stay as relevant as possible. The latest technologies allow you to be perceived as someone who is more valuable and can help you differentiate your online profile from others in your field. Some examples include QR codes, which are graphics that can be scanned and link to your website, and Klout scores, which showcase your online influence.

3. Network 24/7.
Treat your life as one giant networking event. Everyone you meet can be, and should be, part of your network. Keep track of your network digitally so you can reconnect with people who can help you. LinkedIn is one of the most powerful websites for professional networking because it gives you access to executives and hiring managers. The Society for New Communications Research reports that 97 percent of executives used LinkedIn in 2010.

–Dan Schawbel is the author of “Me 2.0,” the Managing Partner of Millennial Branding, LLC and a personal branding expert.

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome.

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I’m very sorry this happened to you. Sometimes people do things we feel we cannot forgive — but I’m going to encourage you to try. My first reason is that perhaps this was more of a misunderstanding than a betrayal. Even though I don’t know the specifics, I can say with certainty that there are very few truly evil people in the world. Maybe he thought he arrived at the idea himself, or maybe he was so insecure about making a contribution that he was grasping at straws.

My second reason is that harboring anger and resentment against this person will only serve to negatively impact you emotionally and professionally.  Even if his behavior was indisputably callous, it was 10 years ago and he has hopefully matured since then — so look at it as water under the bridge and aim to make a fresh start with him.

Remember that you can forgive, but you don’t have to forget. There is no reason to blindly trust this person again until he has earned it. I’m just saying to get over the grudge and move on so that you can be as effective as possible.

–Alexandra Levit is the author of “They Don’t Teach Corporate in College: A Twenty-Something’s Guide to the Business World,” and a nationally recognized authority on workplace issues facing young employees. 

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Send 400-word submissions to letters@metro.us.

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From the other perspective, 62 percent of bosses agree that it’s wrong to friend an employee. Co-workers and your friends or family are two different audiences. Here are three tips for handling co-workers’ friend requests:

Defer them to LinkedIn: Facebook was founded as a social network for students and then grew to become all-encompassing. LinkedIn, on the other hand, is a professional network. It’s very hard to be social on LinkedIn, but very easy to job-search and build your professional Rolodex. You should add your co-workers and managers to LinkedIn so they can provide recommendations and help you strengthen your network.

Be straightforward: If a co-worker sends you a friend request, tell them that you are only using Facebook for family and close friends. They should respect your personal boundaries and understand where you’re coming from. You should set boundaries before you run into a situation where a co-worker adds you as a friend.

Have two profiles: Have a private profile and a “fan” page for your professional life to avoid awkwardness. No co-worker will question you when they see that you have a page for them to “like” because it is a workplace relationship.

–Dan Schawbel is the author of “Me 2.0,” the Managing Partner of Millennial Branding, LLC, and a personal branding expert.

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Send 300-word submissions to letters@metro.us.

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Extreme amenities like video-game lounges are still fairly rare, and this is not necessarily a bad thing.

It’s important to provide a pleasant environment, but let’s not forget that there’s a reason this place you go every day is called “work” and not “fun.” It’s not smart to go so far that you undermine the jobs that people are there to do.

There’s also a danger inherent to jumping on board with any new fad. Free-range office space was all the rage a few years ago, and a lot of companies spent a ton of cash remodeling only to realize that most employees don’t actually like this setup.

I think it’s better for organizations to try to beat the blahs by planning communal activities, motivating employees through rewards, recognition and continuous exposure to new responsibilities and challenges.

–Alexandra Levit is the author of “They Don’t Teach Corporate in College: A Twenty-Something’s Guide to the Business World,” and an authority on workplace issues facing young employees. 

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Please send 300-word submissions to letters@metro.us.

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You can simply ask him and hope he tells … but don’t hold your breath. Short of catching your husband with another woman or man, there’s no way to know with certainty if he’s cheating. You must first accept the notion that he actually could be cheating, then signs might be more apparent.  

In the world of the down-low and homosexuality, stereotypes mean nothing. Throw out the window any preconceived ideas you might have such as being effeminate or sensitive and caring. Plenty of gay people don’t have these traits and just as many straight people have them. Look for behavioral changes. Does he tell you about last-minute plans with others? Has he deviated from his normal routine? Changes could be indicative of an affair. Next, take a look at physical changes. Have his dress and grooming habits changed? When someone is cheating, they’re usually more concerned about their appearance. Further, if he is withdrawing from you and avoiding sexual activity or seems detached, that’s a red flag that something is off.

–Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist. E-mail him your questions at jonathan@jonathanalpert.com

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages.

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