The question:

“I am so tired of the city, but I have to live here because of my husband’s job. The traffic, noise and pushy people seriously stress me out. Plus it’s so expensive! My husband promises we’ll move in a few years, when he’s more established. But for now, I’m stuck. Any words of wisdom?”

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of taking a professional workshop on mindfulness interventions for stress and depression relapse prevention. Our first exercise was to explore a raisin from the perspective of what Buddhists call “Beginner’s Mind.” Our instructions: to see, taste, smell, and handle the tiny shriveled morsel as if experiencing it for the first time. Participants discovered faces in the raisin’s ridges, hidden flavors, and childlike delight in remembering its Playdough-like pliability.

Simply put, the point of the lesson was to demonstrate how otherwise familiar objects take on a whole new light when you slow down to pay closer attention to them. The same can be said of urban life. Whether you live in New York, Boston or Philadelphia, most cityslickers have mastered the art of tunnel vision to maintain sanity amid the pandemonium. But from the perspective of Beginner’s Mind, you don’t need to escape the city to find peace. In fact, all of urban life could be seen as an opportunity for mindfulness practice. Here are some examples:

1)     To practice Beginner’s Mind, walk down a block near your home or work that you don’t normally take. Find something that draws your attention – a tree, beautiful architecture, an animal, or a sidewalk flowerbed. Using as many senses as appropriate, spend five minutes watching and noticing the intricacies of this object. You might be pleasantly surprise to notice things you might have overlooked before.

2)     Frequent unexpected delays and detours on buses, trains and traffic offer an ideal opportunity to practice the mindfulness concept of Patience. Next time you’re stopped on the Express train while several Local trains breeze past, take several deep breaths, and gently remind yourself, “I am practicing patience.” You might also simultaneously practice “Beginner’s Mind” as you study the faces of fellow passengers and see how many soften when you smile.

3)     Unexplained, prolonged delays on trains and buses when you’re running late for an appointment, no one explains the problem, and you have to go to the bathroom, are stellar opportunities to practice Patience, Trust that your colleagues will understand, and Letting Go of circumstances beyond your control (but not your bladder). Take deep breathes and feel your feet on the ground. Simultaneously, you might also simultaneously practice Non-Judging. Maybe the conductor isn’t taking a nap, or consumed in a riveting game of iphone Solitaire. Perhaps he or she has laryngitis, ran to the bathroom, or hasn’t been notified by headquarters. Again, take several deep breaths.

4)     Circling around six times for a parking spot on the Upper West Side on a Sunday night is an opportunity to practice Trust that someone will eventually pull out just as your pulling up, and Letting Go when you realize you have to throw the car in a lot.

5)     Next time you feel you’re not doing enough, seeing enough, reading enough, and being enough, practice the art of Non-Striving. While antithetical to most cosmopolitans, non-striving means that you don’t need to do anything – just allow yourself to be. Embrace the perfection of imperfection. Also resist the desire to strive towards Non-Striving (New Yorkers, this means you!)

6)     We practice Acceptance when we see things just as they are. We accept that we got a parking ticket as the price of having a car in the city. We practice Non-Judging by forgiving ourselves for forgetting that Tuesday is street cleaning. And we accept that sometimes we have to live in over-priced, over-crowded cities because our loved ones are employed here.

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A little distance might help you view your problems in a new light.
Credit: Goodshoot

The question:
“I’ve been searching for a job for 5 months now and I’m getting discouraged. I’ve done all the right things – networking, consulting a career counselor, etc. – and still nothing has worked out. Friends tell me I shouldn’t stress- I’m young and it’s just a matter of time. But I’m seriously beginning to worry. How do I hold on to hope when nothing seems to be panning out?”

Every life is an unfolding story with bright spots, low points, and plot twists. When people lose hope, it is usually because they mistake one or more difficult chapters in their lives for the entire plotline, and overlook important life lessons that such chapters have to offer.
Take the 2006 Blockbuster, “The Pursuit of Happyness.” The true rags-to-riches film chronicles exactly 28 chapters in the life of Chris Gardener, a suddenly single father who battles homelessness and ridiculous odds to earn a coveted entry-level position at a major San Francisco brokerage firm. The genius of this film is that 27 of the chapters, wrapped into gritty little headings like “Locked Out,” “Being Stupid,” and “Riding the Bus,” are about the “Pursuit” part of the equation. Only the last chapter, as the narrator points out, is entitled “Happiness.”
If Mr. Gardener had gotten stuck in one of these chapters, misinterpreting his temporary difficulties as a never-ending story of struggle and victimization, he may have failed to muster the courage and resilience to succeed. Consequently, the film might have been called “Giving Up,” and its message about the triumph of the human spirit over adversity would have been lost.
Of course, it’s so much easier to accept the meaning of difficult chapters and heart-wrenching scenes when it’s happening to someone else, and we’re virtually assured of a positive outcome (after all, the film’s title suggests a Hollywood happy ending).
But what if you could see your life as a major motion picture? Imagine that you’re the main character and the plotline is about “a talented young professional battling unemployment.” Ask yourself, “What is this chapter about?” Give it a name, and see if you can write a paragraph summary in the third person voice, as if you were a movie critic giving a positive review. While this may seem counterintuitive, psychological studies show that people are more likely to view their lives favorably at a distance, than up close.
Conflicts in novels and films shape the plot and move the story forward, presenting the main character with opportunities to overcome inner obstacles, potentially leading to epiphanies, life lessons, and psychological rebirth. After writing the summary, ask yourself, “What life lessons can this character learn from this time? Who are his supporting characters and how can they help him? What tools does he need to move to the next chapter? Where has he found hope in the past and how might he find it now?”
Times are tough, and crystal balls break. But once you have identified the chapters and deciphered its meaning, you may find it easier to weave the fragments of your life into a meaningful narrative that values the subtle, often unrecognized personal victories that build character – facing a fear, changing an attitude, or building endurance. This new awareness can help you write new scripts for old stories while embracing life’s inevitable trials and tribulations as purposeful experiences that won’t last forever.

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The question
I’m 45 and I’m going through a difficult period in my life now. I’m having trouble controlling my adult daughter and dealing with aging parents, and I feel like I’m making my husband unhappy. I’m so stressed out.Whatever I do seems wrong. Any suggestions?

There’s a name for people who are excessively preoccupied with the needs of others at the expense of their own. It’s called “codependent.” Codependency is often characterized by low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies, emotional reactivity, excessive guilt, feelings of over-responsibility and a desire to fix and control others.

If you are codependent, you’re in good company — many people demonstrate some degree of codependency, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, which many people do. The good news is that codependency need not be a chronic condition. With a little awareness, you can start to develop new habits and breathe a bit easier.

Let’s start with your daughter. Unless she has substantial disabilities that prevent her from taking care of herself, she is an adult and, by definition, responsible for her own life. Whether or not you approve of her life choices, they are hers to make and learn from, even if she falls. Letting go and setting boundaries can be one of the most difficult but important acts of love a parent can do. It communicates a subtle, often unspoken trust in the adult child’s abilities to make decisions.

Regarding your parents: While it may not be easy, you’re not alone. According to recent statistics, more than 48 million Americans are currently caring for aging parents (and spending a fortune in the process). And yes, it is stressful. If you are feeling overly responsible, try to share responsibilities with other family members and utilize community resources whenever possible. I suggest visiting the Administration on Aging’s website (www.aoa.gov) for information about services in your area.

Relationships with significant others (like your husband) is where codependency can be most insidious. There isn’t enough space in my column to do this justice so I’ll try to summarize. We are responsible for our own feelings. No one can strong-arm you into feeling joy. Yes, our actions have consequences on our relationships. But how others respond to and interpret our behavior is their choice, just as how we respond to their behavior is ours.

Finally, and most importantly, is the relationship with yourself. Take time to nurture yourself and reflect on how excessive people-pleasing and care-taking deplete you. Ask yourself questions like, “What do I want?” and “How do you I feel (about such and such)?” Since self-neglecting behaviors are often rooted in our families, consulting a therapist or attending a free Codependents Anonymous (www.coda.org) meeting may be helpful.

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