The last time we spoke to Dwayne Johnson, he said he’d earned the nickname “Franchise Viagra” because of his knack for injecting energy into lagging movie properties like the “Fast and Furious” and “Journey to the Center of the Earth” series. He’s at it again with “GI Joe: Retaliation,” grabbing the alpha position from Channing Tatum to lead America’s coolest covert military force. So we thought we’d see how Johnson could be deployed for other famous franchises — some struggling, some not. To our delight, he gave the assignment a lot of thought.

“You’ve got to give it thought because all these franchises are so beloved, and all of them have their own built-in mythology and affinity that’s global, which makes it very special,” Johnson says. “And it reminds me of when we were kids, how cool and fun big Hollywood movies can be.” With that in mind, here are his ideas:

“Star Wars”: “What is the cross between a Sith and a Jedi? I don’t know. Is there something in between that has a bit more neutrality, who vacillates between both sides? Kind of like a gray area, possibly. Being such a big fan of ‘Star Wars’ and the mythology of ‘Star Wars,’ my inner boy, my inner geek — which is a big geek, by the way — embodies both sides. So back when I was 8 years old I was both. And I don’t know what that’s called. What would that be?”

“Star Trek”: “My gut tells me we would have to create a character that puts not only the Enterprise but the entire [Federation] at risk in terms of destruction by one man. That’s where I feel like we should go with that. And I love ‘Star Trek,’ by the way, but it feels like that. That’s heavy, right?”

“Indiana Jones”: “That’s tough. I love George Lucas, obviously. I love Harrison [Ford]. OK, I hunt him down. I hunt Indiana Jones down. When I hunt him down, there’s a plot twist in there somehow where I then become the hero. (laughs) And I share the hero mantle of ‘Indiana Jones’ with Harrison Ford. Yes. Because of my 8-year-old inner-geek.”

“Twilight”: “All hypothetical, right? All hypothetical. Because this is not now saying that the Rock wants to be in ‘Twilight.’ (laughs) In steps the most manliest, toughest son-of-a-bitch of a vampire the world has ever seen. He grabs Kristen Stewart, pushes aside Pattinson and quietly yet firmly says, ‘We are now doing away with our boyhood ways.’ Hypothetically.”

“American Pie”: “Wow. Wow, I would say… I have no idea where I would fit in that. No clue, no clue.”

“The Avengers”: “I got it. I think I got it. I’m going to show you something right now. (pulls out his phone — see picture above) It is a great question to end on, because I have been thinking about this for some time. Sometimes there are moments in life where there are no words. This is one of those moments. And this is who I should be in the next ‘Avengers.’ (shows photo of himself dressed up as the Hulk for Halloween) No more CGI, just me.”

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‘G.I. Joe: Retaliation’
Director: Jon M. Chu
Stars: Dwayne Johnson, Adrienne Palicki
Rating: PG-13
2 (out of 5) Globes

As with most long-running comic book franchises, “G.I. Joe”‘s mythology is insanely complicated. Here’s all you need to know to comprehend the first sequel, “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”: at one point, a member of the good guy squadron announces, “I’m the quicker blower-upper.” Less an action movie than a catalogue of artillery and explosions, it’s too much of a drag to be dumb fun, but gun collectors and pyromaniacs might dig it.

The film takes off where the first left off, with the American president (Jonathan Pryce) having been replaced by Zartan (also Pryce), a soldier serving the evil Cobra Commander (Luke Bracey) who’s been made to look exactly like the commander in chief. All that’s standing between Cobra and world domination is the G.I. Joe team, led by Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson at his most by-the-numbers). Other members include Flint (D.J. Cotrona, appropriately rock-like), Lady Jaye (Adrienne Palicki, relentlessly ogled) and Duke (Channing Tatum). Tatum’s role has been played up in advertising, and there were reshoots to give him more screen time, but he exits early.

The colorless crew is almost wiped out by a strike ordered by “The President” shortly after they successfully invade Pakistan to retrieve that country’s nuclear weapons. That mission is one the movie supports: up with guns and pre-emptive strikes, down with nuclear disarmament. Or does it? “There’s only one person who could authorize a strike like that, and I voted for him,” Roadblock says after the attack, and the team investigates what our white male president is up to. “What if the president…isn’t the president?” Lady Jaye wonders when she stumbles onto the truth. At such moments, “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” seems like a bizarre riff on Obama voters disappointed with their president’s drone strike policy.

Sometimes the movie seems to be flirting with camp, as when the RZA shows up as a ninja master with the fakest beard ever and barks martial arts lore. But mostly “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” is shockingly dull, with lots of incoherently shot carnage and lame wisecracks. (The worst offender on that front is Bruce Willis, who seems to be trying to destroy the goodwill he’s accrued over the years.) There’s one undeniably cool bit involving ziplining ninjas fighting it out on the mountains, but the film mostly presents undeniable silliness with a tedious poker face.

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When he’s not piggybacking on already established franchises (“Journey 2,” “Fast Five,” “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”), The Rock — sorry: Dwayne Johnson — periodically headlines shockingly dour thrillers that are more interesting than they should be without being all that interesting. 2010’s not very aptly titled “Faster” was sold as a revenge spectacular, only to reveal itself as a brooding, if humorless, look at guilt and rot. The new “Snitch” is even slower, draggier, humor-impaired.

Johnson is John Matthews, a moneyed father trying to take down a drug cartel after his son is busted with pills. His single-minded pursuit winds up embroiling Daniel (“The Walking Dead”‘s Jon Bernthal), an ex-con trying to make good who, desperate for cash, reluctantly serves as a link to the violent drug world. That John is so obsessed with saving his son he doesn’t think about endangering the life of another family man lends queasy complexity to what would typically be a straightforward family-first B-picture.

But is “Snitch” interesting or just stupid? Much of the film wobbles, drunkenly, between the two extremes. And right when John’s toying with drug dealers and DEA heavies — including Barry Pepper, struggling mightily to overcome the funniest goatee since Evil Spock’s on “Star Trek” — would seem to have built to a spectacular quagmire, “Snitch” takes the easy way out. How? By visiting the gun shop. Guns make everything better.

“Snitch” is “inspired by true events,” which traditionally translates as “not much of this happened.” But writer Justin Hough (of “Revolutionary Road”) keeps relative fidelity to truth — or at least denies us lurid thrills. That may mean a classier film, but also a fairly boring and plodding one, and it’s never clear why you need to hire The Rock to play a straight dramatic role. Johnson is a secret comic talent but a bit monotonous when serious, and he’s not terribly convincing as an ordinary dad, unless most ordinary dads are built like refrigerators. “Snitch” would have greater verisimilitude — and entertainment value — starring someone whose arms didn’t have the breadth of some humans. (2 out of 5 Globes)

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