How to quit anything (just in time for New Year's)

As the calendar inches closer to New Year’s Day, we’re all setting goals: work out more, be kinder, quit smoking. If you’ve ever resolved to give something up, you know how hard it can be. In Unhooked: How to Quit Anything, authors Dr. Frederick Woolverton and Susan Shapiro teach that what’s holding you back from successfully quitting lies far below the surface of your habits themselves. When you take stock of yourself and understand what’s behind your addictions, you’re on your way to breaking them for good.

Why are our bad habits often so hard to quit — even when we know they’re bad for us?
Dr. Frederick Woolverton: Substances should be seen through the lens of what “helps” us, not what hurts us. While it is true that substances hurt us in all of the obvious ways, what is very often overlooked is how they "help." They help in ways that often no other outside source of comfort, soothing and calming exists. Most frequently, people who use substances suffer from big feelings that they cannot contain or reduce to a size that is bearable. They are unable to live in their own skin. This can be because of genetics or early experiences. An addict feels deeply out of balance, that he has no sense at all of inner equilibrium. The substance chosen to be "abused" is exactly what reduces the size of unbearable feelings. Substances are "self-medication" that make life bearable. Therefore, the good that derives from substances far outweighs the bad, even though from any outside perspective it seems exactly the opposite.

Susan Shapiro: In therapy with Dr. Woolverton I analyzed why I started smoking at age 13. I'd been unhappy, overweight, antsy and socially awkward. One summer I went away and started smoking. I lost 20 pounds, felt happier and cooler, looked better, discovered boys and dating and was able to focus more on writing poetry. It felt like a miracle. I fell in love with cigarettes -- they felt like a combination diet pill, anxiety soother, oral fixation satisfier, A.D.D medication, best friend and loyal confidante. Dr. Woolverton says, "addicts depend on substances, not people," and I realized for 27 years, cigarettes were always there for me, 40 times a day. It was my longest intimate relationship.   

How does understanding yourself lead to a successful break from addiction?
FW: Understanding why one uses substances -- understanding oneself -- clarifies the role that substances play in one’s life. Only then can the person correctly define what the problem is and look for alternate solutions. British psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion said that we cannot solve a problem unless we can correctly identify the problem. Once the problem has been identified, the substance abuser can begin looking for other means of soothing and other means of achieving balance and equilibrium. In Unhooked, we discuss how to find out what the underlying problem is and ways to solve it without using substances.

SS: Understanding yourself and your past definitely helps and explains why all other methods (like quitting cold turkey, or trying Nicotine Anonymous or cutting down slowly) didn't work for me. In therapy Dr. Woolverton was able to learn a lot about me, my upbringing and the roots of my high-strung personality. My mother, an over-feeder, had four kids in six years and my father was a smoker. As a child, whenever anything was wrong, I was given a bottle or pacifier and my role models were eating, feeding or smoking. I needed a very idiosyncratic program to help me quit my two-pack-a-day, 27-year cigarette habit. Along with using a high dose of the nicotine patch, dieting carefully and going to therapy twice a week, Dr. Woolverton insisted that my husband Charlie hold me every night for one hour without talking. Charlie's a TV/film writer and teacher so we would watch tapes of his shows and others with no words. Dr. Woolverton gathered that if we spoke, we could argue, and that I couldn't really ask my husband directly to help me or soothe me. But by having this mandate I would feel soothed, and closer to my spouse -- who felt good that he could finally help me. I wound up transferring my substance dependence to "core pillars." In Unhooked we discuss where to find people who can help you.

Does going “cold turkey” ever work?
FW: It virtually never works long-term if that is the only thing a substance abuser does. Just stopping completely fails to address the underlying problem. Going cold-turkey removes the medication that maintains balance and equilibrium but fails to replace that medication with anything. The person is left with the very problem that was there at the beginning.

SS: Personally, I went crazy whenever I tried to quit cold turkey on my own. I actually wrote a New York Times humor piece about it that led to my addiction memoir, Lighting Up, about how Dr. Woolverton taught me to quit many addictions (cigarettes, alcohol, pot, gum, bread). He helped me rechannel all my energy into my work and I've since published eight books in eight years. People don't realize that your addictions are what's keeping you from getting what you want. When you quit a toxic substance, you leave room for something beautiful to take its place.

What does work to break addiction?
FW: In Unhooked we suggest many things that do work: 12-step programs, a sponsor, therapy, medication, physical exercise, pets, music, yoga, Pilates. It’s all about the specific needs of each addict. The guiding principle is what works is what helps soothe, calm and maintain equilibrium. That could be many things and most often it is things that are outside the box. That's why in Unhooked we include so many different case studies, of people who quit everything from ice cream to pills to gambling to Internet porn to addictions to tattoos and piercings. What helps substance abusers quit is often overlooked by the conventional professional community; it is why relapse happens so often and why quitting seems so impossible at times. It is not impossible. The solution requires a creative approach and that’s why we include so many different suggestions in Unhooked.

SS: In my own case, I replaced cigarettes, alcohol, dope, gum and bread with exercise, a closer relationship with my husband, therapy and work. Now I joke I'm a shrinkaholic addicted to book deals.

Dr. Woolverton and Shapiro will be holding a free panel discussion, “Change Your Life,” on Jan. 10 at 11 a.m. at the Strand Book Store (828 Broadway, 212 473-1452). All are welcome.