‘The Hangover’: Athlete Edition

Alan (Zach Galifianakis) is a better fit for Kim K. than Kris Humphries.

“The Hangover” was one of those movies where you walk out of the cinema and text your friends or update your Facebook status. I still remember my initial impressions: Bradley Cooper was hilarious, Andy Bernard, er Ed Helms, was going to be a star and Zach Galifianakis was funny, but a bit overrated.

The sequel, “The Hangover Part II,” hits theaters nationwide this weekend, and I’m not as stoked as everyone else. Doesn’t it look like all the same jokes? Or are they trying to be ironic? I’d rather see a “Wedding Crashers” sequel. In the spirit of the “ultimate guy movie” we present to you …  the worst athlete regrets and hangovers:

» Kris Humphries — When the Nets’ hulking forward is presented with a lucrative free-agent offer from the Indiana Pacers this summer and Kim Kardashian decides he doesn’t quite fit into her plans — we don’t see her turning into a Hoosier State fanatic like Leslie Knope — I wonder if he’ll miss the paparazzi shots on the beach and the red carpet premieres?

» Anna Kournikova — Remember when she retired from tennis in 2003? Injuries were cited as part of the reason, but it seemed like a curious move at best since she wasn’t even 25 and had no other discernable talent besides looking nice in magazines. She went through a bout a few years back where she appeared alarmingly skinny. Eight years after her retirement, she seems to have found a new job: She’s going to be a trainer on “The Biggest Loser.” I don’t see this ending well. Her stuffy personality makes Kristin Cavallari seem charming. There’s a reason her movie/TV career hasn’t taken off yet.

» Dennis Rodman — The Worm was once a wide-eyed youngster with the Detroit Pistons who just collected rebounds. It’s been 20 years of unforgettable memories since: He’s dressed in drag, married and divorced Carmen Electra and has put more strippers through college than Charlie Sheen.

» Bernard Hopkins — The Philly boxer and former convict recently popped off about former Eagles’ QB Donovan McNabb, essentially saying that he wasn’t black enough. Hopkins was trashed in the media from coast to coast. When McNabb signs with the San Francisco 49ers this summer and magically leads them to a Super Bowl, I hope he mocks the Executioner (and Rush Limbaugh, for that matter) from the podium.

» Tiki Barber — Everyone thought he was making a brilliant decision to walk away from football with fuel still left in the tank. A future in broadcast television beckoned! Well, he bombed at NBC, and then couldn’t get a job anywhere else after he made the foolish decision to cheat on his pregnant wife. The divorce will cost him millions. His only move left? Go back to football. Good luck with that, Tiki.

–Jason Raj McIntyre covers athletes off the field and runs the popular blog, TheBigLead.com

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Send 400-word submissions to letters@metro.us.


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