Is teabagging illegal? Apparently, yes.

This is still legal, though.

[Editor's note: The opinions expressed in this piece do not reflect the views of Metro.us. Non-consensual sexual contact is sexual assault -- even if it's not "violent," and even if the person doing it meant it as a joke.]

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past week, you’ve undoubtedly heard about the Alabama Teabagger. In brief, a heavily intoxicated fan of the Alabama Crimson Tide thrust his testicles onto the neck of an unconscious LSU fan in New Orleans, moments after Alabama defeated LSU for college football’s national championship.

Teabagging is harmless, right? It happens every weekend on college campuses, in frat houses, man-caves and, sometimes, neighborhood bars all across this great land.

Is it juvenile? Sure is. Is it funny? Sure is. Is it criminal? Well, apparently yes it is.

This incident went viral after video was posted to YouTube and a story soon appeared on Deadspin. This led to a full-out search of the man in question by New Orleans police. On Thursday night, the man — Brian Downing — turned himself into authorities. He has been charged with sexual battery.

According to The Times-Picayune, the police categorized the assault as sexual battery, which under state law includes “the touching of the … genitals of the offender by the victim” without the victim’s consent. A victim who is incapacitated or unconscious is generally viewed as not having given consent.

Downing has also been fired from his job working at a sporting goods store along the Alabama border.

Look, we understand that teabagging is crude and probably uncalled for, especially from a 32-year-old doing it in a public setting. But is it really worth allocating an investigation and police man hours?

Soon they’ll be telling us we can’t make our best friend chug a beer, or fart in the car with the windows and doors locked, or poke fun at someone for wearing a pink shirt, or making it rain at the local strip joint. At the very least, teabagging should be covered under the Bro Code.

With that in mind, we present our list of non-fineable offenses:

1. Teabagging. There is a certain skill to doing it properly. And tastefully.

2. Yellow Bottle Trick. If you can urinate in a beer bottle and someone actually drinks it, then sorry, that’s their bad.

3. Streaking. Classic and always funny. Kind of like re-runs of The Cosby Show.

4. Drunk Texting. Some of the funniest things are born at 2 a.m.

5. Human Jenga. If you pass out — with shoes on — you deserve to have the kitchen sink piled on top of your dome.


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