Guy’s guide to the NCAA tournament

UConn
Athletics: A-minus. A three-time national champ in hoops. A football program that at least plays Division I football … the Big East is still Division I, right?
Academics: B. Not too smart. Not too dumb. Just right.
Talent: B-minus. There just aren’t enough 70-plus degree days where tanning at Mirror Lake showcases the true female potential.
Weather: D-plus. The fall in Connecticut is pretty. For about two weeks. Spring is nice too — for two weeks.

Duke
Athletics: B-plus. Coach K has made Duke the premier hoops school in the nation. But its football team once again drags down its score. Nothing new here.
Academics: A-plus. Consider that UConn’s new school president is a Duke grad.
Talent: D-plus. Kentucky has Ashley Judd. Missouri has Sheryl Crow (hot in her day). Syracuse has Vanessa Williams (smoke show in her day). UConn has April O’Neil (aka Paige Turco). Duke? Your response?
Weather: B-minus. North Carolina. Meh.

Syracuse
Athletics: C-plus. We’re coming up on the 10-year anniversary of Jim Boeheim’s lone NCAA title. Still, their fans carry themselves as if they’re Duke in hoops and LSU on the gridiron.
Academics: B-plus. This school gave us Marv Albert, Bob Costas, Mike Tirico and Sean McDonough. You have to like one of those guys if you like sports.
Talent: C. Who knows with all those clothes on all year?
Weather: F. A good place for a sequel to “The Shining.”

Florida State
Athletics: B. This school is so ’90s it should have Zach Morris, Bell Biv DeVoe and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin heading the athletic department.
Academics: C. Ranked the No. 46 public school in US News’ rankings. That’s not great, but it’s damn good for Florida!
Talent: A-minus. Now we’re talking. FSU grabs all the Southern girls who want to have a career and want to have an ungodly amount of fun for four to seven years. Tan lines for all!
Weather: B-plus.Tallahassee ain’t South Beach. But it ain’t Buffalo either.

Michigan State
Athletics: B-plus. Painfully underrated. Tom Izzo gets his teams to the Final Four routinely and the football team at least competes in a true football conference.
Academics: B. Painfully underrated again due to rival Michigan’s brilliance in the books.
Talent: C. Too close to Detroit for comfort. That Midwest twang only goes so far.
Weather: D-plus. To think, they actually hosted a Super Bowl in Michigan? Hopefully the NFL learned its lesson.

Alabama
Athletics: A. Hate him or love him, Nick Saban wins national championships. Arguably the best football school in the world, the tailgate in Tuscaloosa is otherworldly as well.
Academics: C. That pseudosmart girl from your high school who strangely liked NASCAR and was badly in need of braces? She goes here.
Talent: B-plus. Southern belles aplenty. Plus, unlike Northeast girls, they actually understand football. No lie.
Weather: B-minus. Humid!

Murray State
Athletics: C-. Not bad for their lot in life. They routinely sneak into the Big Dance and make goons everywhere pick them because they think Bill Murray has something to do with the school.
Academics: C-minus. Not bad for Kentucky. A top-rated Southern school.
Talent: D. Their most notable alum? Ernest from the “Ernest Goes to Jail” enterprise.
Weather: B-minus. At least they’re a road trip away from the Kentucky Derby.

San Diego State
Athletics: D. Marshall Faulk, Tony Gwynn. And that’s about it. How can you not attract more athletes to San Diego? Who’s running this ship!?
Academics: D. Let’s just say SDSU won’t be confused with Princeton anytime soon. But being homeless in SD isn’t all bad, truth be told.
Talent: A-plus. There isn’t much silicone seen at, say, Wisconsin in February. In SoCal, every day’s a pool party.
Weather: A. We’ve covered this. But it does get below 60 degrees sometimes at night. Brrrr.

Final Four

At the risk of sounding like every greedy NBA star, weather matters when choosing a location to be the master of your domain.

Warm weather brings in hot girls and high quality athletes. No surprise there.

Therefore, in the Guy’s Guide pool, we have Florida State ousting Syracuse, San Diego State blasting Alabama, Duke besting UConn and Michigan State beating the surprising Racers. Your national champion? FSU parties like it’s 1997.