Playing the Field: What’s in a name, Chad Seisnueve?

Ahhh, what could have been, Seattle ... memories of a scorned lover.

For many of us, our surname carries tons of pride. Maybe it dates back to a long line of kings or conquistadors, or maybe you are simply stuck with the responsibility of being the last person capable of continuing the blood line.

Whatever the reason, your last name is important — unless your name is Chad Ochocinco. The former Patriots wide receiver — he was cut Thursday — is being offered $69,000 to legally change his name to Chad Seisnueve, by the popular porn site, PornHub.

First, let’s just say, if we have to explain what Seisnueve means in Spanish or why it’s funny (or why it has us LMFAO, for you texting nerds out there). Now back to Chad. He’s a proud, unemployed black man. He’s already changed his name once, from Chad Johnson to Chad Ochocinco.

Here’s a portion of the official letter …

Dear Mr. Ochocinco,

We would like to extend a proposal to you to legally change your name to Chad Seisnueve on the day of June 9, 2012 for the subsequent 24 hours. As proof, all we require from you is a twitpic of the approved name change registration from accompanied by a @Pornhub hashtag mention. We believe that this partnership can be beneficial to both parties.

The opening part of the offer praises Chad’s dedication to PornHub. Apparently, he is a huge fan of the site and a great brand ambassador on Twitter. Many have reached out to Chad via Twitter to seek comment. He wants $690,000. Here’s his response: “Add a 0 in front of the 9 RT @Pornhub.”

We find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t do it. Just check the fine print, we don’t want to see Chad end up in a X-rated version of “The Longest Yard.”

Sonics advance to NBA Finals

Kevin Durant wowed the city of Seattle with his highlight-reel dunks for just one season. One season they’ll never forget. Durant and the Sonics were quickly stolen from Seattle in 2008 and sent to Oklahoma City. Four years later, they are four wins away from winning the NBA title.

Most of the key players — Durant, Russell Westbrook, Serge Ibaka — came into the league wearing those awesome, green Sonics jerseys. Now, they’ll hoist the Larry O’Brien in the place Timothy McVeigh tried to blow up.

This would be like someone sticking it out with an average girl. She’s a little chunky when you meet her, but you get her a gym membership. She might be a little underdeveloped, but you pay for some cosmetic surgery. Maybe you land her a job as an administrative assistant, instead of that old bartending gig. Then, she runs off with the CEO and wins a beauty pageant.

That’s Seattle right now. It’s the fat guy sitting alone at the bar. And they know it.

Pearls of Wisdom

We recently had the privilege of interviewing Earl “The Pearl” Monroe. The Philly native is considered one of the greatest basketball players of all-time. He was inducted into the Naismith Memorial Hall of Fame in 1990. We won’t bore you with all his accomplishments. All you need to know is that he was the inspiration for Ray Allen/Jesus Shuttlesworth.

Anyway, here’s what The Pearl told Metro:

Metro: Any predictions for the NBA Finals? (asked before OKC won)
Pearl: My picks are Miami and Oklahoma City

Metro: Which players remind you of yourself in today’s NBA?
Pearl: None, really. Maybe a Dwyane Wade because of his slashing and ability to pull up and hit a jumper.

Metro: How was growing up and learning basketball in Philly?
Pearl: Philly basketball was not just a sport, it was a religion. The younger players were taught and nurtured by the older players.


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