Playing the Field: What’s in a name, Chad Seisnueve?

Ahhh, what could have been, Seattle ... memories of a scorned lover.

For many of us, our surname carries tons of pride. Maybe it dates back to a long line of kings or conquistadors, or maybe you are simply stuck with the responsibility of being the last person capable of continuing the blood line.

Whatever the reason, your last name is important — unless your name is Chad Ochocinco. The former Patriots wide receiver — he was cut Thursday — is being offered $69,000 to legally change his name to Chad Seisnueve, by the popular porn site, PornHub.

First, let’s just say, if we have to explain what Seisnueve means in Spanish or why it’s funny (or why it has us LMFAO, for you texting nerds out there). Now back to Chad. He’s a proud, unemployed black man. He’s already changed his name once, from Chad Johnson to Chad Ochocinco.

Here’s a portion of the official letter …

Dear Mr. Ochocinco,

We would like to extend a proposal to you to legally change your name to Chad Seisnueve on the day of June 9, 2012 for the subsequent 24 hours. As proof, all we require from you is a twitpic of the approved name change registration from accompanied by a @Pornhub hashtag mention. We believe that this partnership can be beneficial to both parties.

The opening part of the offer praises Chad’s dedication to PornHub. Apparently, he is a huge fan of the site and a great brand ambassador on Twitter. Many have reached out to Chad via Twitter to seek comment. He wants $690,000. Here’s his response: “Add a 0 in front of the 9 RT @Pornhub.”

We find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t do it. Just check the fine print, we don’t want to see Chad end up in a X-rated version of “The Longest Yard.”

Sonics advance to NBA Finals

Kevin Durant wowed the city of Seattle with his highlight-reel dunks for just one season. One season they’ll never forget. Durant and the Sonics were quickly stolen from Seattle in 2008 and sent to Oklahoma City. Four years later, they are four wins away from winning the NBA title.

Most of the key players — Durant, Russell Westbrook, Serge Ibaka — came into the league wearing those awesome, green Sonics jerseys. Now, they’ll hoist the Larry O’Brien in the place Timothy McVeigh tried to blow up.

This would be like someone sticking it out with an average girl. She’s a little chunky when you meet her, but you get her a gym membership. She might be a little underdeveloped, but you pay for some cosmetic surgery. Maybe you land her a job as an administrative assistant, instead of that old bartending gig. Then, she runs off with the CEO and wins a beauty pageant.

That’s Seattle right now. It’s the fat guy sitting alone at the bar. And they know it.

Pearls of Wisdom

We recently had the privilege of interviewing Earl “The Pearl” Monroe. The Philly native is considered one of the greatest basketball players of all-time. He was inducted into the Naismith Memorial Hall of Fame in 1990. We won’t bore you with all his accomplishments. All you need to know is that he was the inspiration for Ray Allen/Jesus Shuttlesworth.

Anyway, here’s what The Pearl told Metro:

Metro: Any predictions for the NBA Finals? (asked before OKC won)
Pearl: My picks are Miami and Oklahoma City

Metro: Which players remind you of yourself in today’s NBA?
Pearl: None, really. Maybe a Dwyane Wade because of his slashing and ability to pull up and hit a jumper.

Metro: How was growing up and learning basketball in Philly?
Pearl: Philly basketball was not just a sport, it was a religion. The younger players were taught and nurtured by the older players.


Mutant worms stay sober, even on alcohol

U.S. researchers have developed "mutant worms" that do not get drunk by alcohol, a breakthrough that could lead to new treatment for people trying to quit drinking


K-9 nose helps capture $150K in cocaine at…

A furry, four-legged security agent helped authorities stop an illegal cocaine shipment from sneaking past JFK customs.


Minnesota man asked to leave Southwest flight after…

A man and his two sons were asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight after the man sent a tweet complaining about being treated rudely by a gate agent.


Man sues hospital after surprise penis amputation

An Alabama man who went in to a hospital last month for a circumcision awoke after surgery to find his penis had been amputated, his lawyer said on Thursday.


Review: Brett Ratner's big 'Hercules' movie is small…

The latest "Hercules," starring Dwayne Johnson as the half-god beefcake of Greek myth, strips its hero and tale of most of its fantastical elements.


Scientists recreate world's smallest Monet copy

Scientists have reproduced a famous Impressionist painting using nano-printing, to create what has been described as the world's smallest work of art. Reworked at the…


Jerry Seinfeld is ambidextrous, and other Reddit AMA…

See some of the weirder highlights of Jerry Seinfeld's recent Reddit AMA.

Going Out

Grab a pedestrian and start dancing at What…

As a New Yorker, I’ve mastered the art of focusing my gaze straight ahead. Though it occasionally piques my interest, the absurdities that play out…

U.S. Soccer

Orlando City takes shot at NYCFC over Frank…

Orlando City reminded the world how big a signing Brazilian star Kaka earlier this month with a photo of Kaka mobbed by fans juxtaposed against Lampard.


Jeremy Lin says 'Linsanity' is over as he…

Jeremy Lin lit up the NBA two years ago with his play for the Knicks but he has no desire to recreate "Linsanity" in his new career with the Lakers.


2014 NFL Fantasy Football Top 100 overall player…

2014 NFL Fantasy Football Top 100 overall player rankings

U.S. Soccer

NYCFC announce signing of Frank Lampard

The tease of a big signing Thursday by new MLS side NYCFC ended up being one rumored for weeks. England midfielder Frank Lampard agreed to…


Forget Wi-Fi: Li-Fi could be the future

Li-Fi technology – developed by Mexican company Sisoft – is wireless internet connectivity using specialized LED light.


Weather app Climendo might be the most accurate…

The wait for a truly accurate weather forecast could finally be over thanks to a nifty new app called Climendo.


Napkin Table puts focus off the phone and…

Michael Jan, a design student at Tunghai University in Taiwan, has invented a serviette-picnic blanket hybrid called the Napkin Table.


Essie's new Color Boutique

Essie launches high-tech kiosks at major airports and malls across the country.