Playing the Field: Michael Turner’s DUI should result in fantasy deductions and an NHL lockout song we can all enjoy

Michael Turner turned on the burners last night and, in turn, spent the morning in jail.

While watching football, there is no quicker way to annoy a friend than to constantly scream out, “Yessss!!! Fantasy points!!!” every time one of “your guys” gets a pickup of five yards or more.

Other than a fantasy loss, there has to be a better way to shatter annoying fantasy guy’s hopes and dreams in an instant. It’s been stated before, but there really should be a “personal life” stat attached to each and every NFL player.

For instance, say annoying guy had Falcons running back Michael Turner last night. Turner had a decent fantasy day, scoring a touchdown, racking up 74 yards and catching a pass. Those points could have made the difference in someone winning or losing their week.

Insert the “personal life” category and you would have had annoying guy dropping F-bombs under his breath for the next month. That’s because Turner got arrested for DUI this morning, just hours after Atlanta beat the Broncos. Imagine your buddy getting this in his inbox when he got to work:

“The officer could smell an odor of alcoholic beverage coming from the driver and proceeded to conduct a DUI investigation,” Gwinnett police Cpl. Edwin Ritter told The Atlanta Journal Constitution in an e-mail. “During the course of the investigation, the officer developed probable cause to charge Mr. Turner with DUI and speeding.”

Turner’s Audi R8 was going 97 mph in a 65 mph zone on I-85 northbound near Indian Trail Road just after 4 a.m., Ritter said.

Under “personal life” category rules, DUIs count for -70 points, which would have wiped out Turner’s entire production from the night before … Go F-yourself annoying fantasy guy.

NHL players/owners, are you ever, ever get-ting back together?

There are few things more boring for a sports fan than reading lockout stories. The sad part is, we’ve had to read a bunch of them over the last 16 months due to three out of the four major professional leagues enduring work stoppages (what?!!! Major League Baseball is doing something RIGHT?!!!!).

Of course, someone decided to do a parody song about it. Now, before you dismiss this idea entirely, know that this video is actually pretty well-done.

1. It is not a “Call Me Maybe” parody (which jumped the shark’s baby shark three months ago)

2. It’s hard to figure out if the girl in the video is bordering on hot, is hot or is really hot (definitely a good day/bad day type of gal).

3. The production values are up to snuff.

4. The song is mildly catchy (I’m told it’s a Taylor Swift rip-off?)

5. The best part: the lyrics openly reference how all Canadian women are more or less groupies for NHL studs. In fact, that’s the main reason they are so depressed about the lockout right now. It reminds us all that groupies have mouths to feed too (single tear).


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