2013 Boston sports predictions sure to go wrong

Jacoby Ellsbury could be playing elsewhere before the 2013 MLB trade deadline.

The Patriots finally capture that long-sought fourth ring by defeating a faceless Falcons team in New Orleans. Pats fans immediately claim that the Giants dodged them this year and that the only way to exorcise the demons of Super Bowl XLII and Super Bowl XLVI is for Roger Goodell to schedule the next three Super Bowls as Pats-Giants in advance. Being Roger Goodell, the commish seriously ponders this. Thankfully, Paul Tagliabue steps in.



More evidence that the regular season has become boring for Pats fans:

Tom Brady goes down with a scary injury in Week 3 of the 2013 NFL season. Sorry, folks, but he’s due. Ryan Mallett goes 3-3 in the six weeks that Brady is out, leading many to argue that the Pats should sit Brady six regular season games every year so that No. 12 can play until he’s 50. Actually, we’re sure that Bill Belichick already has this plan outlined in the boiler room of CBS Scene.



More evidence that Danny Ainge and Rajon Rondo are manic:


Celtics fans plead with Danny Ainge to swing a deal for Rajon Rondo’s buddy, Josh Smith, at the NBA trade deadline. Instead, Ainge brings back Rondo’s other buddy, Kendrick Perkins by dumping a pair of his under-achieving bench players (any takers out there for Courtney Lee?). During the summer, Ainge ends up overpaying for Smith as a free agent. All in the name of keeping No. 9 happy.



The Bricklayers always win Rock ‘n Jock:

The Red Sox get off to a scorching start in April and May but end up fading down the stretch the way the Baltimore Orioles used to. Still, the locals are fully on board with the Sox’ conservative approach and can’t wait to dump Jacoby Ellsbury at the trade deadline in exchange for a Cubs prospect who has the ceiling of Kevin Youkilis. Fans spend their time monitoring said prospect’s OBP with the Portland SeaDogs and couldn’t care less that John Lackey is 11-2 with a 3.36 ERA midway through the year. Brick sales are up.



Steve Burton, right again:


The NHL lockout ends in late-January and fans are rabid-excited about the Bruins being back. The problem is, Brad Marchand shows up to “camp” tipping the scales at 285 pounds. Tuukka Rask’s groin injury is worse than originally expected and he misses the majority of the 40-game season. Tim Thomas does not answer anyone’s phone calls. The Bruins miss the playoffs.



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